What can she do during the day that would involve meeting you? Can you guys meet for lunch? Can you occasionally arrange longer lunches and come home for a couple hours?

Yes, this would be so she could carry more kids around. Our current vehicle will on seat three kids at a time and we have two, although during the school year, one is at school most of the day.

I don't particularly believe in car payments anymore, although I have had them in the past. She wants to be able to haul at least 5, preferably 6 kids. Our current vehicle is worth maybe $1000. It will take some time to save up enough for anything bigger and she wants it ASAP.

I come home for lunch every day already! In addition, we had been meeting up at the gym once a week for a couple hours. I just took longer lunch breaks every Wednesday. This week, we are going to try doing the gym thing twice, Tuesday and Thursday. But she proposed today that she would like to stay there after I leave and take the kids to the pool. I'm feeling pressured to give in on that one.

Well, God bless her if she wants to haul 6 kids around

Maybe a trusted friend or another SAHM that could be an accountabilty partner so that she could do those things?

Ot a local Mommy's group that does play dates?

Trying to brainstorm here, but I think you will have to give a little wiggle room in this department.

She said just today that they all lived too far away. She suggested that she might start her own group. Maybe she will, but this has been mentioned in the past and nothing came of it.


I don't trust that if she saw this guy out there that she would even tell me about it.

So, wait. She can't go anywhere without you if there are payphones, internet access or the possibility of an attractive male being around?

I'll have to steer clear of this one. I'm way too independent to help you with this.

All the "friends" that knew of the A, got dumped.


No problem with that one.


Why? I'm doing nothing but being honest about how I feel and what triggers me. I've listed only three places that trigger me. Four if you count her place of work. And the 5th isn't advised to do alone.

If KISS had been carrying on his affair at the library, how would you feel about him going there? How would you feel about him saying "So now I can't go anywhere without you if there is internet access?"

I understand, Fightthefight. I do. There must be a solution here somewhere that will help you feel safe and help FC feel less "trapped".

Btw, kiss' affair took place at his place of employment, which is where he still works (different location) and I am no longer triggered by it.

There is! It's called EPs, the PORH, and the POJA!


Oops. Sorry I didn't remember that was the case.

EPs themselves being part of the JC Triad:

- NC
- EPs
- MB Participation

Now I just feel bad that maybe I am being unreasonable.

I need to think about this.

I was never one to be considered controlling. I don't ever remember telling my wife pre-A that she couldn't go somewhere or do anything that she wanted. Even if I felt a tinge of jealousy (which rarely happened) I never said a word.

FtF, I think you should be honest about your feelings, and look diligently for something she can do that does not affect you negatively.

Tell us what you think.
Radio Clip on O&H
Segment #2

And that was bad for your marriage, sir.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8122_wife.html

I've heard that clip before and I know Dr H's opinion on Radical Honesty.

The problem is that this is a case of "How you feel makes me feel bad".

"How you feel makes me feel bad."

Why?

Why does what FC has to say about her "feelings" make you uncomfortable?

Stop being reluctant to identify exactly what it is about her opinions and expressed desires that impacts you so negatively. (Some of us out here can "guess", but telling you is not going to be effective.)

Look, Plan A's rule about "No Expectations" is not a prescription for a lobotomy. ("No expectations" means working hard towards a goal, but accepting the near certainty of failure. Think of Sisyphus pushing his rock! Or rooting for the Chicago Cubs!) You need not cease accepting input, analyzing it, considering responses and implementing changes. (Ahhh, the return of the "OODA Loop"!) After "FC said/did this...." and before, "I think I will now do this.....", comes the vital link of "FC's action affect me this way....." Without that second step (which is what I'm urging you to do) there is nothing but repetition of still-unsuccessful actions.

So, fill in the blank: When FC supplies negative input regarding...our situation/my efforts/her intentions...it affects me negatively because________________.

I'll get to the answer to your question, but you have my meaning backwards. Remember, my current focus is her happiness. My meaning was "How I feel makes her feel bad." Or more specifically makes her feel sad (which is bad).

Yeah, I kinda saw it as a joint rotation of badly interpreted inputs. But this is your thread, so I put the question to you.

When you say, "I feel....." and FC comes back with "That bothers me," THEN what is the emotion you want to act on?

One of the things I've heard Dr. Harley say is that a complaint is actually a love bank withdrawal. It's not a love buster because it's absolutely vital that husband and wife have accurate information about each other's feelings. But it does make you feel bad. I think that's what both of you are running up against. She feels bad that you don't want her engaging in certain activities - but that's vital information for her to have. You feel bad that she would think about engaging in them again - but it's vital for you to know she's not happy with the current arrangement.

Even Dr. Harley says that when Joyce complains, he feels bad - it's a love bank withdrawal. But it's vital information.

Now, if you want to handle that in traditional markos fashion, you blow it up into a fight and have a nuclear war about it. I suggest not doing that.

Sometimes it takes a few days for the emotional fallout of the communication to settle so that you can start thinking about how to solve the problem. I am happy to say that down the road it doesn't take so long. But you aren't used to solving such complicated problems together, with an emotional component where the most obvious solutions offend one or both of you. Navigating it is going to be tricky and take some time, and there will be some resentment in the meantime (and again, communicating about that resentment is going to have a negative emotional effect). BUT, when you reach a solution, the resentment is going to be gone.