OK, you need to go see a dr for your depression, it is very clear you are depressed! You need help!

It is normal, it is part of the process, but you need to get out of this!

Do you have an attorney?

I'd be spending every penny I've made since I got this job on an attorney. Anything I do I am stuck in a catch-22.

Are you paying any CS at all? Even if it's a small amount? Do you give her any money for your DDs?

BNM,

I would also strongly repeat Dr. Harley's (and MelodyLane's) advice about antidepressants. When you don't see a solution to your problem, a good antidepressant can help you find one.

My dad was in your shoes many years ago - and I'm happy to echo the comments of others that one day, your children will understand the truth.

I'll look into the antidepressants. Any suggestions? I am going to look up contraindications for the meds I'm on now.

So my ex FIL is passing through town this weekend, and on Sunday he is going to stop at my xWWs house and try to talk to her. So far she has not spoken to him in almost a year, and she refuses to speak to anyone in her family about me. She knows that no one is on the same page as her, so she avoids it. It HAS to be wearing on her since she hasn't seen her family all together in probably two years. I'm hoping he can at least crack her a little bit and let her know that she is still not getting any approval from them. They are (dare I use the term) hardcore Christians, so I haven't had to do any persuading to have them see things the way I see them.

Still trying to figure out how to apologize for last weekend so I can have my girls this weekend. I know how to eat foot, that's for sure.

Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Lexapro, and Wellbutrin......all good choices and are available in generics (some are on different pharmacies discount plans). Talk to your doctor and like you are doing, double check the contraindications.

Cymbalta.......only as a brand, good but very, very expensive.

Talk to your doctor about antidepressants, I know people who take Paxil and Cypralex, they say it woks very well. They feel better and more alive, thier memories have gotten much better and they cope much easier with everyday life. I am not sure how CS works in the States but here in Canada you pay based on your income. If you were not working then you do not have to pay, however, I would try to start giving something if you are working now.

Interesting update. Last Saturday I put the extra copy of SaA in the girls' toy bag. xWW sent it back to me unopened. I keep telling my friend (whose WW came back to him) that my xW is NEVER coming back to me, but he still likes to blow sunshine up my butt and tell me that when the OM leaves her, she'll start to put things into perspective. But, the OM won't leave her, she will not see things any differently than she does now. It has been going on for over 2 years and there is no indication that it will end. She'll figure out all the things she did wrong in our marriage, and apply it to her new one and I will be left to rot from the inside out. It would take nothing less than divine intervention, and I have seen none of that in this whole situation. It's not that I don't believe in God, it's that I don't believe God gives a crap. I am starting to hate this woman with a passion.

I agree you should consider this a lost cause. That will help you accept the situation as it is and start making decisions about your future.

As far as God not caring, he does not give a crap, it is that he is not going to force your wife to do something against her will. He allows people to choose their own path.

Any update on those anti-depressants?

The problem is, I don't give a crap about my future any more. My future was with my family, as a whole unit. I think (I hope) we are in the end times. I really don't like it here any more.

You can't envision a future because you are DEPRESSED! This is why you need to get on AD's and cut off all contact with your wife. You DO have a future. It will not always be like this. What you have to do is walk yourself out of this fire. You can't give up. You have a lot to feel sorry about, but you have to walk yourself out of this fire mechanically even though you don't feel like it.

Feelings follow actions.....

When you are going through hell, you must rely on your intellect to drive you out of the fire. I have been in your shoes, except my child was killed after my husband left. Just keep walking forward, BNM, and don't stop. You may not see where you are going just yet, but soon enough you will see how far you have come. It won't always be like this.

It has been over two years. Nothing has changed for me. I've gotten over relationships before, but this is different. I told you all why - because my kid's childhood is being stolen from me. All the days and months that I should be watching my kids play and learn and grow up are being stolen from me and I will never get it back. I am frankly getting tired of everyone telling me that "it gets better" because THAT will not get better with time. I will only lose MORE of that time that is most important to me.

This is why I am suggesting you try something different. I know nothing has changed for you. And this relationship is unlike any other, it has been devastating. But you can live over it if you take a different approach.

You have lost your kids and yes, that is a tragedy. My son is dead. I will never get over that. But I do have a happy life. You can have that too.

Did you petition the court for equitable child custody when the divorce decree went through?

I know you didn't fight the divorce, but now that you are working, you can petition for your parental rights for a more fair visitation, even if you have to file Pro Se. The county law library and department of children and family services would likely encourage a father who desires to have more involvement in their childrens upbringing and welfare.

Were you ordered to pay child suppirt or maintenance to the ex-W?

If so, are you making the required payments?

Regardless even if you have not, or fell behind, that is not, in and of itself, a legal ground to deny or limit your visitation rights, but you must properly request them, otherwise the opposing side gets what they asked for.

LTL

I am thinking about hiring an attorney to get more than that - I want half of the business that I spent 2 years building for her. I want half of the house we lived in together for 10 years. I want everything I owned before we were married (judge gave her that, too). New Mexico is a community property state, yet the judge gave her everything. How does THAT work?

I did not answer the petition because the answer would have required me to either agree to what it said or disagree. I did not agree with one word of it for philosophical/religious reasons, so disagreeing would have meant a fight that I could not afford or want. But now that she has committed to this path, I am going after what is mine.

Maybe New Mexico has different procedural rules, statutes, or laws, but in my state, once a decision is rendered, either party has a strict 30 day time limit to appeal the ruling before the presiding judiciary.

A change in circumstances is a valid reason to petition for modification of child suppory and/or custody/visitation rulings.

Use your anger at your situation to pull yourself off of your self imposed pity pot and get proper Anti-Depressant medication. A self loathing, potentially para-suicidal parent will not be viewed in a favorable light to receive additional privileges. So Get On With YOUR Life immediately and be positive for your own well being. Now!!!

I wish you the luck and success you deserve.

Go see your kids and be their Father.

LTL

So I took a breather and tried getting my mind off things. A couple things have transpired since last time I was on. First, my ex FIL was at my xWW's house a couple weekends ago. He has not seen her since last year and talked to her maybe twice on the phone very briefly. The xWW has been avoiding him because she knows that he does not approve, will never approve of her actions, and will let her know. He is very much against adultery and divorce and prescribes to scriptural doctrine. Well, when he was there, he let her know. In fact, he used the OM's name in a rather derogatory manner, and she didn't even bring him up. He also told her that "Your ex husband wanted me to talk to you" which I wish he would not have said. I did say that I was a bit upset that he and her mother never said a damn thing to her ever. What if she were a drug addict, would they just sit back and watch her destroy herself without saying a word? Anyway, I digress. After he said that I asked him to talk to her (which I guess I did indirectly), she told him "That's not your job, that's HIS job," which quite frankly surprised me. MY job? I thought I was out of the picture, ya know?

So the other thing that has been going on is that she has been gently urging me to see my kids more. I actually took them to dinner tonight and I just got home. I am BEAT, and I don't think I can do that during the week with my schedule. If I don't get enough sleep, I get sick - t's that simple. Monday after work I saw my kids briefly when I went to the business for a charity event that we have hosted 3 years running. I have become friendly with the guy who we host, so I stopped by to visit a little. The xWW was there and it has been the first time that we have been in proximity like that in a LONG time and didn't pick up a lot of tension from her. She wasn't chatty or anything, don't get me wrong. I had been there maybe 90 minutes and I had to leave. When I did, my 4-year-old was beside herself. She was crying til she could hardly catch her breath. Before that, she asked her mother "Can daddy come to our house?" So I don't know - the xWW is feeling some pressure I am sure - from her father who she got NO approval from, from her mother who does not approve, her sister who does not approve, her brother approves, but he's an [censored] and never liked me anyway. His wife did the same thing to him, but that's his problem.

Anyway, the dynamic seems to have changed slightly and I am not sure what to make of it. The xWW has also fired off a few texts about random things in a very conversational tone, rather than the usual "I hate your guts" tone. She has also asked me to watch the girls when it wasn't my 'time' because she had some things come up, and thanked me after.

I hope this isn't her trying to be friendly exes, because that is not going to fly. I am relenting a bit to see what happens, but if she does not start talking about reconciliation, Mr. Friendly is going on vacation.

Also, the OM's name has not come up in conversation with the 4 year old lately, either, but his daughter has. 4 yr olds have an interesting concept of time, so I am not sure if that means anything. I've learned that "last last yesterday" could mean three weeks ago or 2 days ago. Again, I don't know if he is history or if my daughter has been coached to not talk about him.

I wish Dr. Harley got on these forums and helped with situations like this because I have no idea whether to stay Plan B or do a soft Plan A. Any thoughts? Sound like anyone else's experience?




Oh, on a side note, she informed me that she is closing the business and renting some space with 2 of her employees in another, cheaper space. I frankly don't care because that business has probably been the biggest cause of our problems. She'll make a lot more money, too. I just hope she keeps all of our equipment and finds a buyer or something. But she asked me to do website work for her (I built the site for our business). Again, I'm not sure what it means, if anything.

BNM,

I'm sure your wife is still with POSOM, but she's wondering now. Something is not right in fantasy land I'm guessing.

I have Crohn's, my wife is a cheater, I am a father. The best part of my life is the time I spend with those kids. I go to work, I deal with the pain, depression, and discomfort and everything else, I feel the hurt from what my WW does. I share some of your pain.

I wish I had better advice about how to end a divorce and reconcile with your wife. But honestly all I can say is wait it out man. Take care of YOU first, so you can be there for those kids. He's not their Daddy and never will be, and your wife knows that. Sometimes it's enough. When it happens go slow and follow the Plan. I can't stress enough to take care of yourself through this. I know from experience. Hell right now I'm staring down the barrel of the colostomy shotgun. It's frightening. And a WW doesn't help. When you're right with yourself and those kids though, the judge will see it.

I do encourage the Anti-Depressant meds, they gave me more energy, took away a lot of the stress, and I got more done so I could be daddy more often. You just have to get the right one.

Good Luck Man