It doesn't matter what my story is or all the other BS stories on here are. We are all dealing with the same thing, betrayal by the person we joined ourselves in marriage to. The person we loved and believed they loved us.

Some WS come clean right away others TT for years. Whatever their story is I believe they water down the truth to save themselves or not hurt the BS anymore than they have. Those BS on here that believe they have the whole story or don't want to know anything that happened. Or those of us that want every detail and get a version of the truth, in the end how do we go on?

How do those of you that have made it, do you never think about it? I have read "our marriage is better than ever". How can that be? How can you have the ultimate betrayal happen to you, forgive that person, but you can't ever forget. It would be like saying you were raped and never think about it again. Our brains are not computers that we can just delete information.

I have been TT for 4 years now, each new "truth" is worse than the one before. At first I was more than willing to make it work, to try and heal our marriage, but now I sit and look at him as he tells me what really happened and I want to puke. We have gone to IC and MC, followed the MB program, read all the books (me more than he has). He has given me total transparency (as if there is such a thing). The more I read the more I think that it is impossible. I was reading about these new Apps you can get on your phone that give you a new secret number that never shows up on the bill and shows up on the phone like a game app or something.

We are going to set up some counseling with the Harleys, it is our last hope because I am hanging on by a thread and not sure of what I want anymore. I would love to hear some success stories, especially on how you have forgotten what your WS did to you.

Halfunit, the way you forget and move forward is to use the program. You have not been doing that. First off, MB does not advocate forgiveness. And secondly, one of the first steps is getting ALL the truth out. Most BS's sense it when they are not getting the truth. One solution to that issue is to have the WS take a polygraph.

Once the full truth is out and the marriage is completely arffair proofed [transparency, no more nights apart, removing the conditions that led to the affair] the next step is to create a romantic passionate relationship using these concepts. That means becoming a pro at meeting each others needs, avoiding lovebusters and SPENDING 20-25 HOURS OF UNDIVIDED ATTENTION TIME PER WEEK MEETING THE TOP 4 INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS.

I can tell that this has not happened in your marriage. Instead, the affair has trickled out over the years, keeping that unpleasant event top of mind. Every time it comes up you are both back to DAy 1 of recovery.

Marriage Builders is not a cafeteria plan where you can pick and choose the concepts. They all have to be followed exactly.

And I KNOW it works. There are many of us here who are in great marriages and we never think of the affair. I can think of the affair today and it doesn't phase me in the least. We haven't discussed it in YEARS.

The fact that you say "if there is such a thing" tells me your marriage is not affair proofed. IF you were with your husband 24/7 could he cheat? If he had a dumb phone, could he install an app? No, he could not. Your lifestyles need to be set up in a way so he CAN'T CHEAT.

I think you need to re-evaluate your whole approach to affair proofing, even if it means he quits his job and you start up a business together. If I were you, I would begin with a polygraph to clean out the wreckage of the past. There is absolutely no reason it should take 4 years to get the full truth.

You are right as usual Melody. I remember first coming here and hearing what you just said. In fact at that point he said they didn't have sex, just met for dinner and kissed. God what a fool I was, but I wanted to believe it so I did.

Then I would read other post on here and how other BS found out more happened and I would say that would never happen to me. Then the next truth came out they had oral sex, but he could not perform and she wasn't his type etc.

The latest was just this month and now it is sex 5 times and no condoms. ALL of this could have been avoided if I had listened to YOU at the beginning. If I had drug his sorry [censored] into a polygraph. On that I only have myself to blame because I just knew he would never hurt me this way.

He has quit his job and we work at home together, but we also were home 24/7 together during his A. I am going to pull out all my MB books and he is either going to put 100% into reading them, take the Poly or I have to leave, this is now effecting my health in a bad way.

Thanks Melody, you are a special lady who has helped many marriages and deserve an award if there was such a thing.

I agree with the praise of Melody. She knew months ago that my WS was having an affair, and I was convinced she was nuts - there was no way my WW would do that.

I do wonder how one affair-proofs a marriage when one spouse works full time and the other stays home.

With EPs in place and spyware on phones, keylogger on computers. Until you verify you keep checking.

HU,

Have you given your WH a polygraph?

So you were in the room when they were having sex? How did that happen??

[

What is affecting your health EXACTLY? Is it that you don't feel you have all the truth? Or is it that he is ABLE to conduct an affair without your knowledge?


Thank you! You are a very special lady too and I really want to help you!! You deserve it.

I am still pretty sure my wife had not given me the full truth. I told her that we will get a poly and I told her two of the questions that would be asked one referred to the timeline and if they used protection like she says they did. She did not like the fact that I was going to ask questions about it. So, I am somewhat sure that something has been omitted. The reaction to the questions that will be asked is enough to tell you the truth sometimes. So what do you do if you get the poly and find out that they have lied to you?

There are many ways, but when it can't be done in current circumstances, then a lifestyle change is in order. For example, one surgeon retired and now stays home with his wife 24/7. Others have quit their jobs and started businesses together. Every situation is different, but if there are gaps in your affair proofing, they need to be resolved. I don't have the answer for every situation, but I do know that when there is a will, there is a way!

And yes, some people think I am crazy when I tell them their spouse is having an affair. One guy asked me if I was "psychic" when he confirmed his wife was, in fact, having an affair. I am almost always right. And so are many, many other regular posters here. We can tell right away. I have heard Dr Harley tell many people on his radio show that their spouse was having an affair. It is like the master mechanic who can listen to an engine knock and know with certainty that it is getting ready to throw a rod. When you deal with engines every day for years on end, you know exactly what it sounds like.

So what do you do if you get the poly and find out that they have lied to you?

That would vary by the state of recovery/acceptance by the BS. The only standard would be that whatever the BS is going to eventually decide (after learning of ongoing deceit) should be concretely finalized prior to the poly, and transmitted to the WS.

"WS, next week you will be undergoing a polygraph test regarding the answers
to questions you have already given me, and swore were truthful. If the poly
shows you have been lying about those vital subjects, you can expect me to..........."

And, yes, the discussion needs to be exactly that radically clear and definite! There can be no "But I never thought you'd...." whining and post-poly squirming permitted in an attempt to make the BS the "bad guy/gal".

You may also consider giving them One Last Chance to fess up to the whole truth 1-2 days prior to the polygraph test.

Hand them your list of 5, 10, or 20 questions and go over each one.

Then, at the time of the polygraph test, you can just ask if they were 100% truthful when they responded to your previous list of questions.

You can still have them asked several specific questions to put your mind at rest once and for all, but know what your boundaries are if they lie and know what you WILL follow through with.

Good Luck,

LTL

What is affecting your health EXACTLY? Is it that you don't feel you have all the truth? Or is it that he is ABLE to conduct an affair without your knowledge?

Melody, we shared an office together and worked on our home business. We were 6" apart as he e-mailed and chatted with her. Anytime I was out of the room they would talk. So yes he did it right under my nose. I know for sure I have not gotten the truth he has lied to me since my original D-day, in fact I believe he has lied about things since we first met.

Brain,
No I have not done a poly, but I am going to have to do it. I can't live like this.

Here you go and there are example questions in this thread.
Polygraph Testing

I don't understand how.. I share an office with my husband and neither one of us could chat with an OP while in our office. We have a big house, but I would hear him if I was upstairs and he was talking on the phone in the study. There are lots of ways to prevent that kind of contact. I am sitting right across the desk from my husband right now and I can see his computer monitor and know exactly what he is doing. He is looking at houses for sale in some city in Texas. IT would be impossible for him to chat or email anyone.


I agree you should set up a polygraph. But what about his occupation? Do you still work together?

At the time of the A our desks were on opposite walls so back to back. Most of his calls were when he ran to the P.O.. H was a pro at having several Windows open and chatting with her on one.

We still run a business together, but now we are in separate rooms, as different parts of our business need to be done on certain m a Chinese if that m a les since. We just are not together in the same room all day.

That is something you will want to change then. The environment that led to the affair must be changed. So be thinking of ways he could not do this again. Do you have a keylogger on his computer?

I had one on there for 2 years, nothing showed up. Then I changed phone Co so that everything he did on his phone was sent to me. We only have one car now and go everywhere together.

We are moving into a new home. We have no need for this big house and plan on moving everything for the business into one room in the new home or we have talked about selling it all and just traveling.

Why did my post before this say Chinese.....made me laugh...shouldn't post before bed.

So your keylogger did not show his chats and he had an affair while you were in the SAME house with him 24/7? I have no idea where to go with this....