My husband and I are relatively happy but an issue keeps coming up that I honestly do not know how to deal with. We previously moved to a new state. Prior to the move, he trained others in his job. His field of work is predominantly led by women. One of the women he trained is our age, a Christian woman, beautiful, and single, never been married. He had contact with her regularly and they interacted at work via text msgs as necessary, ate meals together, and spent time together talking.

We now live somewhere else and there is no reason for contact yet, they text each other sporadically. I do not believe it is regular, but I do not understand why it happens at all. When I have mentioned it before and shared why I did not understand the continued msgs, he stated, "we are friends, I think of her like a sister." she is super sweet and reminds me of myself (same field prior to my turning into a stay at home mom, similar personalities). She even mentions in the texts to say hi to me. It perplexes me because I could not imagine texting a married man while single, even if we worked together.

How do I go about this? Am I overly concerned or are my feelings on this right? I don't want to be a jealous wife, but I honestly do not know what is healthy in regards to boundaries with others while married...at least to this extent.

Thanks for reading!

Your feelings are correct.

Please read.
Are "Friends" a Threat to Your Marraige

Thank you for taking the time to post, I really appreciate it. I will read the article now.

Texting members of the opposite sex is extremely risky behavior. You are very correct in being concerned.

Marriage Builders has a rule called the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), which says that you do nothing without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. You are clearly not enthusiastic about his texting, so it should stop. That is all the more reason you need.

You are not being jealous; you are being protective of your marriage. You have ever right to request he ceases contact with her.

Why not?

The alternative is to act as though your husband is of not much interest to you, and as though you feel he could not be of much interest to another woman.

A careless, non jealous attitude to our spouses is not very flattering to them.

I think most people feel flattered and protective when their spouses show a touch of jealousy (as long as it is shown in a non angry, non disrespectful way)

I think what you mean is you don't want to be a disrespectful or angry wife when dealing with this. It is actually fine to show jealousy in its non angry, protective form.

Be firm but calm. Let it be known you wont stand for this, and dont allow him to sidetrack you with his intentions and 'brotherly' feelings. They are simply not the issue.

It bothers you. It violates PoJA. He is doing something which is very offensive and troubling to you. Even if never gets any worse than this, it is bad enough already.

Tell him you expect him to stop. Be firm, fair, brief and stand tall.

Just tell him you won't stand for a female friendship in your marriage and you expect him to respect your feelings on the matter.

Do not get drawn into whether you 'should' feel this way. Simply restate that you do feel this way and your feelings are not going to vanish. You feel threatened, as would most women, because it IS threatening.

If he is not immediately responsive to your request, simply state that you hope to see him respond to your needs, with more enthusiasm, soon.

If he gives you the 'she is a sister' line say:

"She is not your sister. She is a former colleague and I expect you to stop developing a relationship with her knowing that it is threatening to me."

Go check out the THOUSANDS of affairs over on the Surviving an Affair forum that began as opposite sex friendships. Particularly with a coworker! What your husband is doing is exactly how affairs start. I would not bat an eyelash in asking him to stop. There is no virtue in sitting by idly and allowing your marriage to be threatened.

My ex husbands affair began because like most people, he underestimated the allure of being great friends with a sympathetic and likeable woman with whom he had no real problems/difficulties/life decisions/bills/dirty dishes.

I do believe he began it innocently, believing that being a 'good guy' generally would protect him from the perfectly natural process of falling for a friend.

I still remember his referring to her as a sister. And I think he meant it.

By the time he was knee deep in an affair I remember him confronting me, asking me why I wasn't jealous about the friendship. Was it because I thought no one would be interested in him?

Shamefully, he was right. The only reason I didn't have the (perfectly natural) threat response of jealousy was because he wasnt exactly an adonis. I loved his other traits.

The other woman was also not much of a looker. Especially not compared to me (other people's words!)

However it is very natural for good friends to fall for one another. Couples are all 'just good friends' pre first date. I had not understood this threat and I was careless and casual with my non jealous, arrogant attitude.

Since you have the good sense to be jealous and see the threat, act upon it.

Ellie,
I had a male boss who I, too, thought of as a friend. The texting is what put it beyond the bounds of friendship. I think your husband needs to stop NOW texting this woman, or any other for that matter. Even if he says she's just his friend, what does he need her for if you're right there? If nothing else, he is clearly engaged in an emotional affair. Even if he thinks you're being silly, tell him he needs to stop any and all communication with this woman. You live somewhere else, there really is no need to continue this "friendship". I know you may feel like you're being unreasonable, but I know from personal experience that you need to do this to protect your marriage. It really is that serious.

Ellie,

You may have caught your H in the early stages of an affair. I agree with the other posters that you need to tell him to end this contact with the OW. I would suggest, though, that prior to doing so, you quietly get his phone and put some spyware on it. Because your H is going to do one of three things:

1. Agree with you and stop all contact with OW.
2. Pretend to agree with you and continue to contact her on the sly.
3. Disagree with you and continue to contact her.

If he picks 2 or 3, he's going to hide it from you by password-protecting his phone, and you won't be able to get the spyware on there at that point.

You're going to need that spyware to confirm what he's up to. If he is indeed in an EA, the spyware will give you the intel you need to bust up the affair. If he agrees and stops texting her, you'll be able to verify it with the spyware.

Meanwhile, start doing some quiet snooping. Is he on Facebook? Is she a friend of his there? Does he use his computer for communication? Have you checked your phone records to verify the number of texts between them? Have you looked around in his 'personal space' (dresser drawers, car storage areas, etc) for any evidence? For example, personal cards from OW, or a second phone?

Thank you all for replying. A light bulb has definitely been turned on. I appreciate all of your input and will put it to good use. You are all very valuable, thank you!

Ellie, this sounds a little dismissive. What do you plan to do? What are your thoughts?