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Might she be looking for some incentive to call? I would surmise that people rarely seek aid in changing situations that they are, for whatever reason, content to remain in. I don't see how she could possibly be content.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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I don't see how she could possibly be content. Well, she must be content enough to not file for a divorce. Why?
Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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We have been talking seriously about moving. Not too far away, just to a better neighborhood. I haven't asked about the list yet, but I did sneak a look and I think the big secret is that my W has a nigh (as in #3) need for FS.
We have been looking at some nice houses is a great neighborhood. I can tell that she is very excited by this. I am too. I may be on to something here.
I think she is going to be a lot happier if she is working and bringing in some income to the household. This new neighborhood is in a different school district, so it would be a fresh start for us and I think I could accept her working there with proper assurances of EPs.
Me (42)
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OK I have a situation that keeps coming up and I don't know how to deal with it.
We have been invited to go out with some friends on Saturday. The wife really wants to go, but we have not gotten anywhere near our UA time for the week. I know the "right" thing to do is to decline and go out alone, but that's not what she wants. How can I get out of this discussion without lecturing?
Me (42)
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Can you get out alone before or after and then stop by and see your friends? Good news about considering a move. Sounds like it will be very good for both of you 
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Can you get out alone before or after and then stop by and see your friends? That seems like an obvious type solution, and we could do that, but to me that just means we could have spent more time alone in the first place. She suggested we could just go out the next night. Which has the same argument from me. I am coming at it from what I have picked up around here that time with friends should only come after you have met you time together, which we historically haven't met consistently in the first place. Sounds like a lecture doesn't it? Good news about considering a move. Sounds like it will be very good for both of you We have started getting the house ready to sell. Doing small repairs and painting. It's been some good together time in itself.
Me (42)
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Until you BOTH can enthusiastically accept the invitation, it has NOT met the test of POJA.
You need not lecture her. Print out the line above and hand it to her.
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Until you BOTH can enthusiastically accept the invitation, it has NOT met the test of POJA.
You need not lecture her. Print out the line above and hand it to her. I should have gone there. Unfortunately I've already messed it up. I capitulated.
Me (42)
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Until you BOTH can enthusiastically accept the invitation, it has NOT met the test of POJA.
You need not lecture her. Print out the line above and hand it to her. I should have gone there. Unfortunately I've already messed it up. I capitulated. Okay, you need to rectify this by being radically honest: "I'm really not enthusiastic about this after all."
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Capitulation is one of the worst things you can do for your marriage. It does no favors for you, your wife, or your marriage.
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I capitulated.
Really????
In under an hour you went from standing up for what you knew (even subconsciously) was right, to yielding to a initiative counterproductive to YOUR goal - creating an MB marriage!
**EDIT**
Last edited by MBSync; 09/11/13 11:23 AM. Reason: TOS - disrespectful
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I messed it up this morning before I even posted here. Her friend called and wanted to know if we were coming and if they could have their kid come over and share our babysitter. She was on the phone looking at me asking if it was OK. I told her I can't discuss it while on the phone with someone else. So she hung up and said she wanted to go. We had a short discussion about it during which I made the mistake of saying "We are supposed to get our UA time in and then if there is anything left over we can go out with friends." To which she rolled her eyes. What I said was a lecture to her. And then I could feel myself starting to get irritated and I knew I had just messed up so I just gave in.
Me (42)
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I suck at this dynamic of trying to make her happy and at the same time not giving in to what she wants to do. I can see it after the fact, but not in the moment.
Me (42)
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I suck at this dynamic of trying to make her happy and at the same time not giving in to what she wants to do. I can see it after the fact, but not in the moment. Me too. Sometimes you think you are enthusiastic about something, and then you realize you aren't. Don't worry - it's the same for women. Be radically honest about how you feel.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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We had a short discussion about it during which I made the mistake of saying "We are supposed to get our UA time in and then if there is anything left over we can go out with friends." It is very hard to avoid sounding like you are lecturing. It is best to stick with your feelings: "I'm not enthusiastic about planning any more activities this week because we don't have our UA time planned." Do the two of you sit down at 3:30 Sunday afternoon and plan your weekly schedule including UA time?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I messed it up this morning before I even posted here. Her friend called and wanted to know if we were coming and if they could have their kid come over and share our babysitter. She was on the phone looking at me asking if it was OK. I told her I can't discuss it while on the phone with someone else. So she hung up and said she wanted to go. We had a short discussion about it during which I made the mistake of saying "We are supposed to get our UA time in and then if there is anything left over we can go out with friends." To which she rolled her eyes. What I said was a lecture to her. And then I could feel myself starting to get irritated and I knew I had just messed up so I just gave in. Notice that UA time does not seem to be very enjoyable to your wife. She's not pushing you to get it scheduled for the week. That's a sign something is wrong. Couple posts from Dr. Harley to me about this years ago: markos:
I'll ask Kim to talk with your wife to see what's going on. For some reason, her emotional needs are not being met when you give each other undivided attention, and we need to know why that's the case.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr. Markos:
As I've described UA earlier, it's like a blank canvass. What you do during that time is the painting. It's beautiful when both spouses enjoy their time together. Kim will talk to your wife about what would make your time together more enjoyable for her.
Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr. UA time is not enjoyable for your wife. Big problem!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I suck at this dynamic of trying to make her happy and at the same time not giving in to what she wants to do. I can see it after the fact, but not in the moment.All that needs to be said is "...and exactly how well has that been working for you?" I'm not trying to "pile on" more depressive items than you have dude, but try this: Take the feelings you have RIGHT NOW - anger at not holding your ground, resentment <<EDIT>>, possibly a bit of embarrassment at reporting both to us - and BURN THEM into your conscious thought. Make it so that you can, with a bit of reflection, bring all those back to the surface.
The next time <<<EDIT>>> pull up that "emotions package" you stored away. Realize that yet again, you will have those feelings generated if you DON'T stand up and follow the MB way. Typically the hardest thing an recovering BH has to learn is to exude the duality of a rigorous SOB about violating principles, and a loving, caring spouse while honoring them.
Last edited by MBeliever; 09/11/13 12:44 PM. Reason: removed disrespectful comments
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But it's hard for me to not to get into a philosophical argument. From my perspective, we need as much as 20 hours or UA time. And it should be the best time of the week.
She offers that we can go out with friends on Saturday night and then on Sunday maybe we can get grandma to watch the kids for a few hours in the afternoon. Well, that doesn't work for me because if we could do that then we should do both as UA time.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
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But it's hard for me to not to get into a philosophical argument. From my perspective, we need as much as 20 hours or UA time. And it should be the best time of the week.
She offers that we can go out with friends on Saturday night and then on Sunday maybe we can get grandma to watch the kids for a few hours in the afternoon. Well, that doesn't work for me because if we could do that then we should do both as UA time. It should be the best time of the week, but it doesn't sound like it is her best time of the week. That's a big problem!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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It should be the best time of the week,
but it doesn't sound like it is her best time of the week.
That's a big problem! Agreed. But so far, we are doing everything on her list. Stuff she wants to do, so I don't understand why it's not enjoyable. Time for lunch. I'm going to try to discuss this some more.
Me (42)
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