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I don't understand why it's not enjoyable.
Why don't you brainstorm?
Take one-half hour and write down why activities that align with her professed preferences are not reported to you by her as enjoyable.
Bring your list here and we can all analyze it.
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I don't understand why it's not enjoyable.
Why don't you brainstorm?
Take one-half hour and write down why activities that align with her professed preferences are not reported to you by her as enjoyable.
Bring your list here and we can all analyze it. I tried to go down this route at lunch. She says nothing we do would be as much fun as the same activity done in a group of people. So I'm back to one of those roadblocks. It's honest, but frustrating.
Me (42)
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But that's how she feels. I can't argue with that. I'm actually not surprised at all that she feels going out with other people is more fun.
Me (42)
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She says nothing we do would be as much fun as the same activity done in a group of people. So I'm back to one of those roadblocks. It's honest, but frustrating. Then what does she suggest?
Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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She says nothing we do would be as much fun as the same activity done in a group of people. So I'm back to one of those roadblocks. It's honest, but frustrating. Then what does she suggest? She says "I don't know" and she probably doesn't.
Me (42)
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Getting input from her does seem tedious, but "I don't know" cannot suffice indefinitely.
I'd just tell her that, as something's gotta give. You cannot pull the rope forever.
Me (BH)
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Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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When is it OK to tell your spouse "I don't think you get it"
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When is it OK to tell your spouse "I don't think you get it" Rephrase it to relay what you feel. "When you say that, I get the impression that you mean ___. Help me out, here."
Me (BH)
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But that's how she feels. I can't argue with that. I'm actually not surprised at all that she feels going out with other people is more fun. This is because you aren't her favorite recreational companion, yet. This will be solved by continuing to make those love bank deposits. Keep spending the time together. Keep doing what you are doing. Her feelings will not change gradually, but suddenly. Keep spending time doing things that she has said she finds enjoyable. Be open to new input from her as she moves out of withdrawal.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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But that's how she feels. I can't argue with that. I'm actually not surprised at all that she feels going out with other people is more fun. This is because you aren't her favorite recreational companion, yet. This will be solved by continuing to make those love bank deposits. Keep spending the time together. Keep doing what you are doing. Her feelings will not change gradually, but suddenly. Keep spending time doing things that she has said she finds enjoyable. Be open to new input from her as she moves out of withdrawal. In a case like this one, she actually resents me for wanting to spend the time with her to make the LB deposits in the first place. To be more exact, she resents me because I'm keeping her from being able to go out with this group of friends. It's a catch-22. If we go, she will be happy but we won't get our UA time in. If we don't go, she won't be happy, but supposedly this will make LB deposits.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
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But that's how she feels. I can't argue with that. I'm actually not surprised at all that she feels going out with other people is more fun. This is because you aren't her favorite recreational companion, yet. This will be solved by continuing to make those love bank deposits. Keep spending the time together. Keep doing what you are doing. Her feelings will not change gradually, but suddenly. Keep spending time doing things that she has said she finds enjoyable. Be open to new input from her as she moves out of withdrawal. In a case like this one, she actually resents me for wanting to spend the time with her to make the LB deposits in the first place. To be more exact, she resents me because I'm keeping her from being able to go out with this group of friends. It's a catch-22. If we go, she will be happy but we won't get our UA time in. If we don't go, she won't be happy, but supposedly this will make LB deposits. Yikes. That's a nasty situation for you to have to be in. Here is what I think I would say: "I am most concerned right now with getting our marriage the support it needs to survive. I haven't been happy because our relationship has suffered and we haven't yet become each other's favorite recreational companions. Until we are, I'm definitely not going to be enthusiastic about adding other activities into our lives that prevent us from getting the time we need together. I want a romantic relationship with you."
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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When is it OK to tell your spouse "I don't think you get it" Don't go there, under any circumstances. Tell her what you need and aren't getting: the chance to be with her alone, sufficient time during the week to build a romantic relationship with her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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She says nothing we do would be as much fun as the same activity done in a group of people. So I'm back to one of those roadblocks. It's honest, but frustrating. Then what does she suggest? She says "I don't know" and she probably doesn't. I suspect you are doing the right stuff, but it hasn't been long enough. There may also be some ways you can make more love bank deposits and a little more may put her over the top. Do you do anything affectionate for her each day? Do the two of you have any conversation during the day?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Here is what I think I would say:
"I am most concerned right now with getting our marriage the support it needs to survive. I haven't been happy because our relationship has suffered and we haven't yet become each other's favorite recreational companions. Until we are, I'm definitely not going to be enthusiastic about adding other activities into our lives that prevent us from getting the time we need together. I want a romantic relationship with you." We tried again tonight. I didn't say this exactly but I did say it in my own words because it IS what I feel and want. It didn't go well. We ended up talking about her wanting to go to nightclubs and how she used to enjoy girls night out. Then she got upset and left to go to bed. Maybe this is the conflict stage? I don't know. That's the only silver lining I can see here. I'm trying really hard to win her over, but I feel like she hates me for ruining all her fun. This sucks.
Me (42)
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We talked about it again this morning. She wants a balanced life that includes family and friends. She doesn't want to spend all of our time together. That would make her happy.
That actually doesn't sound bad. The problem is we have mismatched priorities. Given a finite amount of time and money, she would spend it more heavily on the friends and family side of the equation. I'm sticking to UA time as a priority.
I have to come up with a way to make this work. But right now, she resents the UA time because it leaves little room for the friends side of the equation. Family time she says she gets enough of.
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[
We tried again tonight. I didn't say this exactly but I did say it in my own words because it IS what I feel and want. It didn't go well. We ended up talking about her wanting to go to nightclubs and how she used to enjoy girls night out. Then she got upset and left to go to bed.
Maybe this is the conflict stage? I don't know. That's the only silver lining I can see here. I'm trying really hard to win her over, but I feel like she hates me for ruining all her fun. This sucks. It is because doing almost anything is more enjoyable to her now. That is the whole point of the POUA. It will take about 8 weeks of spending 20+ hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs for her to fall in love again. If your wife is in love with you, her girls night out will pale in comparison. She won't want to squander her free time on that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We talked about it again this morning. She wants a balanced life that includes family and friends. She doesn't want to spend all of our time together. That would make her happy. You know what would make her happier? If she were in love with you. Then she is going to be very stingy about the amount of time she spends with friends. There is nothing wrong with having friends, but it should come AFTER your time. You shouldn't be competing with friends. Has she read about the policy of undivided attention. Does she get that the goal is to create romantic love?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We tried again tonight.. What did you try? You went out together?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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