If its recent it's a continuation of the A. Affairs arent always cosy, warm agreeable 'be together forever' things. Sometimes it consists of fraught on again/off again negotations where one keeps the other on a string.

If your wife is keeping him on a string instead of cutting all contact by changing her contact details - she's in an active A.

She's soaking in the admiration of the other man with each email. Which is probably why she doesnt want you to know about the email address.

Definitely do this, after seeking legal advice. It's outrageous she's cheated on you and took your son away from the only faithful parent.

If you can get the home setup back, and she wants in. Make a FULL list of conditions you expect her to sign up to. I would make one of those a PROPER NC letter using the templates here.
Making sure he has no way to contact her, no email addresses etc.

I would even add a line in about seeking legal restraint order advice if he contacts her for ANY reason in future.

The problem with text messages is they are really flippant and informal. You see how seriously he took it - he sent her emails after receiving it - and she responded!

She needs to change all contact information.

Have you given her these?

Also when are moving back to your home?

Thanks for all the comments.
I want to give a more balanced perspective on what I have done that has played a role in my wife�s affair. Besides the inappropriate viewing and newsletter subscribing of escort sites, I was a neglectful husband. I put work ahead of family. I accepted an opportunity to teach at a major public University out of state, which took me from home 3 days and nights a week.
After separation in June 2012, I again turned to escort sites for comfort, and proceeded to use those services, which makes me guilty of infidelity as well. It is true that my wife gave me permission to do this (since she felt the marriage was over), but it was a big mistake, as it represented a kind of agreement that the marriage was irreconcilable. As I arrived on my international assignment, I realized the wrongness of what I was doing in February of this year and ceased use of escorts. I realized that I had lost the best person to ever entire my life. I tried in vain to express my desire for reconciliation. However, I did not own up to my extramarital sex until just this week, and I wanted to take responsibility in this forum as well.

I also want bloggers to know that my wife was diagnosed with cancer just after I signed the contract for my international assignment. My wife urged me to go anyways, but it was still a huge mistake, especially in light of her health.
Despite the fact that I had extramarital sex, I am still very sad about my wife�s affair and her prior emotional affair, but I do not judge my wife in the least. �Let he without sin through the first stone�, so surely I cannot throw any stones.
I am convinced of my wife�s honesty and truthfulness that she has stopped all contact with the OM. She has not changed her phone number, but she has hundreds of contacts that rely on that phone number, many of whom she might not know prior to their need to contact her, so it is not so easy for her to change it (she is a board member of a local charitable organization, something I am very proud of her doing).
What remains is for me to show real change so that my wife can accept me back without fear of the relationship reverting back to its former state, where she experienced the environment as �toxic�. To me this means I should continue Plan A.
I move back to the US on October 30th. I will live in a separate residence, but hope with all my heart to reconcile and renew our marriage with a new understanding of my priories and my role in the family, as well as a new respect for my wife�s capabilities and her desired role.

Were you writing that for your wife to read?

Nope! She very well can change her number and update her contacts accordingly.

Allowing her to convince you otherwise will be your downfall.

Me and scores of others have gotten that t-shirt and would hate to see you make the same mistake. Honesty and truthfulness are often defeated by a sense of self-preservation, so don't just take her word for it, ok?

The conditions that allowed her affair must be changed. If she carried on her affair through her phone. Her number must be changed.

What EPs is she putting in place?
What EPs are you putting in place?

Have you been STD/STIs tested?

I understand the need for Extra-ordinary precaustions and this is something we are negotiating.

My wife finally wrote a firm "do not contact" note to the OM. Until then she was trying to be nice, but the OM would not get the hint (as men often don't). My wife and I jointly wrote the "do not contact" note, using Kevin's note to Amy in "Surviving an Affair" as a basis, but simplifying it a bit.

We shall see if this is enough to resolve the situation.

The OM seeems to me to be boarderline psychotic, so his behavior is not too predictable, but his past track record shows that he moves on once the path of least resistnce is to just go fishing.

LonelyMan, Do not trust her blindly right now. Its a mistake we all make because we remember who they were, right now treat her as someone you are getting to know.

I kept all paths open. I let my husband walk all over me. He was always saying "sometimes" and "maybe" and never really let her go and I tried insisting on no contact but I was "being unfair".. in the end, he ended up filing for divorce a couple of weeks ago because the OW insisted "it was time"... Just keep your eyes open, especially if he's borderline psychotic lol.. the OW is too, lies, leaves notes, bangs on doors.. but for some reason that is seen as being really in love (to chase away his wife she must truly care huh? lol).. it's the "crazy love" feeling that makes affairs so addictive. And the crazier they are because of "love" the more they convince our spouses it must be true love if they'd do such crazy things.. the fog. Some wake up.. some wake up too late.. some never wake up at all.

LM, that is good that you are trying to implement EP's but these are not negotiable issues. Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

LM, I see that you are still separated. Is there any plan to move in with her?

I don't know, buddy. You, certainly, could make a list of things that you absolutely require in a spouse for you to remain married to them.

Those things wouldn't be negotiable, would they?

I wouldn't believe the "OM would not get the hint" story that you're being sold.

OM goes between begging her, telling her he didn't want her anyway, and berating her.

He acted like he didnt' want her after the "no contact" letter, then back to begging, now no contact. If he goes into the berating mode (calling her a whore for example), then we have to go for a restraining order.

it is not blind trust that I have in my wife. I invaded her e-mails and saw his behavior and her reactions to his behavior. I also saw her reaction in person when I was with her.

She is not ready for me to move in with her, but she did let me spend several nights at her home in her bed (no sex). I think this is progress. But there is more work to do.

Are you back in the same city now? That is, is this out of town work done?

Get your child back under your roof.

Pre-move visit just finished. It was only one week, but a very nice week it was.

I am back overseas, but will return next month permanently.

I have my own place to live, for now, hope to spend as much time with my wife as possible, including as many sleep overs as she will permit. If all goes well, I hope we will move in together soon.

My wife is worried that the changes I have made in myself recently are not permanent and I will slip back to my old ways. She hinted that the amount of time for believability would be around 6 months of consistent behavior.

I hope I will deposit enough love units once I return, so that she will quickly want to be with me. If our week together is any indication, I don't think it will take the full 6 months before we at least become intimate, but she might hold out on my moving in. She feels emotionally singed by her recent relationship/affair as well as by my past behavior. It will take time for her to recover her love for me. Too many love busters from the past. My balance is still negative, but it is increasing.

OK good that you have verified what is going on.

But you don't seem to see the DANGER of ongoing affair contact!

You seem to believe that your wife's negative reactions to OM indicate the 'end' of the A. Not so. An A is a hugely addictive, dramatic roller coaster which adulterers are highly reluctant to leave.

They would rather have the OP contact them to berate them and beg than just hear...silence. Likewise the OM would prefer she keep her contact details unchanged than see her close the door, even if that's all he gets.

Affairs are not necessarily characterised by being together and it working out. Sometimes it is just about maintaining a link and getting attention.

Affairs are not real relationships - they involve three people for a start!

While contact is ongoing, the A is ongoing,

While the A is ongoing HE is meeting needs for admiration (I want you back), affection (why arent you answering me?) and IC (what's more interesting to a woman than a spurned, but still faithful lover?).

It doesn't even matter if she doesn't want him too. Needs meeting is unconscious. If it happens to us, it affects us - like alcohol. That's why kidnap victims fall in love with kidnappers in spite of deciding not too trust them. It is also the equation behind affairs.

While your wife is getting 'shots' of needs meeting she will not respond to YOUR efforts to meet her needs. Not until she is months away from the last point of contact and past withdrawal.




This IS good. It also implies to me that if you were more firm about no contact you'd be doing incredibly well.

Even if she were desperate to try and love you - she wont be able to while contact with him is ongoing. EVERY piece of contact resets her withdrawal clock to day one. So you are constantly getting a little bit ahead, and then resetting progress back to the start when he contacts her.

If she is singed - why expose her to more burns indefinitely?

Even if your efforts were stellar, your love bank balance will stay STATIC while he is still making deposits.

Recovery STARTS when contact ENDS and EPs are in place.

indiegirl, I appreciate your advice and concern. I will try to be as firm as possible regarding no contact. She is being very honest with me, but indeed if contact from his side continues than not only extraordinary precations, but extraordinary measures are needed to stop him.

My biggest worry is that this guy goes psyco and hurts my wife and son. He has never done this before, but I don't want my family to be his first victim.

I am cautios but optimistic