Next time, get the kids ready to do something and ask her if she wants to come. If she says no, GO ANYWAY. take the kids and take lots of fun family pictures. (this will meet a family commitment need) Tell her about all the fun she missed when you get home. Let her see that she is missing out.

No more heated discussions. If you're going to win her back you're going to have to become an expert on how to have safe conversations and successful negotiations with your W. The word heated implies you were trying to persuade, educate or convince her of something she didn�t want to hear. So stop doing that.

Learn how to communicate your desires without demanding or educating.

�I would love it if ��

�I would love it if we could spend more time together. For me separation does not make the heart grow fonder. It just creates more distance.�
�I would love it if we never fought ever again.�
�I would love it if we could be in love again.�

Always be on your best behavior. Be fun and pleasant.
Take good care of yourself. Dress nicely. Be well groomed.

What are her most important ENs?
If it�s IC then be a great listener. Be a great conversationalist.
As indie said create fun family activities and invite her to come along.

Be consistent and persistant. Stop this talk of giving her peace.

Thank you for the input! Yes this is a very close friend of both of ours. I also asked a few other people that she would talk to about this. It always ends up her breaking down and crying because of all the fighting we have been through and she can not go back to us bickering everyday around the kids. They don't need to see mom and dad arguing over every small thing. Right now I'm 90% certain she is not.

I'm not ruling it out, and I will continue to find ways to snoop more and get some info if there is any.

I will still continue to be a nice confident guy that she can depend on at all times. I guess I'm truly an impatient person, I don't see any change from what I have been doing then again she probably feels the same when she says I'm just putting on an act.

Mralias, thank you for the motivation, I will do just has you suggested along with many others on this thread. It gets hard sometimes and I have a tendency of pushing an issue. If though I was calm I still tried to persuade her. No more I will offer it to her down the road like you suggested. I'm going to order love busters, his needs her needs and the workbook. Thanks

Impatience in your position is natural and every single one of us has been there. You want to wake up in the morning and for your spouse to love you without any work! We get it, but you have to put on a backpack and hike up a mountain to win her back I'm afraid.

You have sounded exhausted and disheartened in recent posts. Do make sure you eat, sleep, rest and get ADs if needed. This is a marathon not a sprint and you need to take care of yourself.

If / when you make a mistake, and you catch yourself... just stop in your tracks...
apologize...move on.

example: If you find yourself getting hot under the collar, STOP, and say...
"I just realized I am getting touchy with you. I am very sorry. This is not how I want to be with you. I will keep practicing to be the husband you deserve."

Then, lighten up. Change the subject. Something breezy..."What would you like for dinner?"

Good advice thank you! Right now it seems were both uncomfortable to be around each other. It is like walking on egg shells. I have been asking how she was been doing today and I keep getting one word response if she even replies. So I guess I'm on the base of the MT. Everest at this point, just hope I can gain some ground before court dates start to arrive. As of now believe first one is set for Jan 13th, however she did say she filed a motion so it could be coming in a few weeks. Not sure if there is going to be time but I pursue

PLEASE continue to snoop...doesn't sound right.

I was "99.9%" certain my husband didn't have an affair - I literally SAID that - I was wrong.

My husband did not tell his best friend (he didn't tell anyone). In fact his best friend was SHOCKED.

I have been snooping a lot, I even took half the day off today and drove to her work in a different car. Her car was not there, waited until she thought I was going to be off work, I called her several times. She answered on the third time sounding stressed out. I asked her if she could pick up our son at school cause I had to attend a meeting at work. She said she just got back to work cause she was at hospital with one of her co-workers who passed out at work today. She did offer to go get our son but said it was one of the biggest events of the year! There were a ton of cars and people there. So thinking she played me I called her work and a different lady not the lady who went to the hospital answered the phone. The lady who normally answers was the one who supposedly went into hospital. Story is adding up! She was so busy planning for this she event she had to take my daughter to work with her before school. One would think she would have called me but like I said its like egg shells

Good, but don't stop snooping. I pulled out some of the red flags you've written:

She is not being responsive to anything I suggest to help save this marriage.

She is now sleeping in the other room, I swear she is off mentally this does not seem like her normal behavior.

I'm so confused by this all, blaming me for every little thing that has happened. She is taking no accountability for her own actions and how they made me feel.
I examined phone records and nothing is out of norm. There are no text messages or calls that exceed my number or anyone else in our family. Only thing I think where it might be happening if it was going on would be at work. And everything would have to take place at her job.

She has said some pretty horrible things to me over the past few weeks.

I have access to all email accounts that I know of, Facebook and also all phone records which she has no idea that I have password. Nothing was out of norm, does eliminate work phone but I think I'm clear.

She said she can never love me the way she should and to let her have peace.

Just wanted to add - I had access to ALL my husbands passwords, Facebook, bank account, cell phone records, email, etc. And all but a couple incidents took place at -- WORK.

Also - I was most definitely verbally abused by my husband - and I didn't do any of these things. As someone posted earlier - being withdrawn would be a more expected behavior.

So are you saying that she is just totally withdrawn from this relationship currently?

Yes, she's withdrawn and I'm sorry, but with all the red flags, it sounds like she's withdrawn because she's probably having an affair. I hope not - but keep snooping.

So you think she is completely done with this marriage? I have been snooping even more lately and nothing comes up. I just found out that she hired her nephew to work at club. I'm pretty good friends with as well. If she was cheating at the work place it would not seem like a god idea to hire a family member that I speak to.

Well here is a status update, I verified that she was telling the truth about going to the hospital today with a co-worker, and even drove by her work several times to find her car there. I also found out her nephew has been hired at the club.

Right now I agree she is in straight withdrawal mode. After working a 12 hour day she came home and put on pjs and I rubbed her back for a few seconds noticing that she enjoyed it some but also hated it as well. She kept saying ". I'm fine? I'm fine, I'm fine honey" so I let her be. Our son was still up and he was asking for her to lay down with him. So she did. Well they both fell asleep, so I covered my son up then I covered up my wife. She woke up and kept saying " I'm fine, I'm fine" I did it anyways. I said goodnight I love you and in return I just received a goodnight.

I have been looking at this site almost everyday all day. It really helps sort out emotions and keep pushing forward. I really hope this works. I have noticed a few other areas where I have been making more withdrawals. I always seem to push the question why she wants a divorce why she wants the family split up. I kept asking why why why. I think I need to put those questions to rest and keep focusing on those deposits. I really hope she comes around I miss her!!

Have you eliminated all Love Busters?

What are her top ENs?

You need to be 100% sure she's not having an affair. Because all the meeting ENs won't do a thing, if she's in an affair.

The ones that I have realized yes I believe I have. I will continue to be observant on how I present myself and how I communicate towards my wife.

As for her most important emotional need I'm not sure at this point, she has not told me. It use to be trust,support and feeling safe. I have been providing those things as much as I can but not to much to pry.

I'm getting to the point where I'm 100% positive no affair is happening. I will continue to monitor until I'm sure. Everything I looked into she has always been honest about. She does not have long drawn out answers to anything, never gets uncomfortable when I asked her how her day was. Just keeping things short. All body language indicates everything is ok. But, like I mentioned I will continue to be observant to her actions and mannerism as well

Out of these which can you guess are her top 5?
The Most Important Emotional Needs

I would have to say in no particular order

Admiration
Honesty and Openess
Domistic support
Family support
Affection

So I believe I have done all expect honesty and Openess cause we really have not talked. Maybe it is time to read them again.

Well here is another update. Yesterday afternoon my wife was telling me how mad she was at me and how much she hated me for making her choose divorce. Wanting so bad to argue back with her about this I remained calm and just listened. A funny thing happened while just listening. My anger and disbief of what she was saying left me and went right into her. She was getting more and more upset crying yelling... basically a crisis. Then when no reaction was done by myself she became calm and started talking to me like a friend. Telling me about her day and the recent dreams she had. That night after she came home from work she got into bed with me. Surprised I just let her sleep noticing that she was finally comfortable and getting a good night rest.

The following morning she was crabby and begin started conflict with me about the divorce and child custody. She asked me "in a perfect world how do I see out children spilt up" I responded in a perfect world our children would wake up with both parents each day and that both of their parents would be in love" she didn't really like that to much.

So now she is back to being real short with me. I have made small gestures of rubbing her back, telling her hoe proud I am of how strong she is for working so much. No response this time right now, it seems like she is still in a state of withdraw.

This has been one of the hardest goals I have ever set out. I will continue my plan!!! It's just really hard to come to turns with someone who does not love you the same, coming to terms with the fact that your wife hates you.

Anyways I keep trying and hope for the best! Anniversary is this Tuesday... 8 years hmmmm what to do!

Really proud of you for keeping your temper. Its easy to see the benefits of being in control of yourself, once you try it, isn't it?

One tweak I would suggest is not to praise her for working so much. Her overworking is damaging the marriage and you're not being truthful here. While you are winning her back, its tempting to become a yes man and agree with everything but avoid that. Keep it to showing concern for her when she's tired, don't extend it into supporting her anti-marital decisions.

Good response to her divorce query.