Blah blah blah back story not really that important.

Short run down:

- WW had ONS with OM while high on cocaine at Christmas Party 16th Dec, 2011.
- Has maintained NC with OM.
- Was caught morning of June 7th, 2013 high on cocaine again with her idiot best friend (host of Christmas Party) while I returned home early from a pleasure trip.
- Immediately confronted WW with a quick trip to her Mother's house and threat of immediate eviction from household by myself (MiL previously downplayed WW's drug problem and cheating during initial exposure, helicopter parenting and such).
- MiL now inline and onside. MiL can no longer downplay severity of WW's behavior (Fortunately my MiL isn't a total dunce).
- WW still periodically smokes marijuana which is a huge trigger for me given all the history in my life of loved ones abusing drugs/alcohol.
- Still finding it hard to trust WW, mostly on account of drug use.
- Monitoring program still in full swing (keylogger etc...)
- Triggers send me into instant anger and loathing towards WW and her ONS, the fog and all of the rest of the garbage associated with ONS.
- Still managing to hold myself together (I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be).
- Haven't yelled or any untoward behavior directed at WW.

Still trying to be the best Husband I can be.

As a personal question for myself: Is it normal to still react so negatively to triggers this far along?

WW has been (aside from her drug abuse) pretty good at being a good Wife since ONS. I understand her drug abuse is likely a symptom of a larger personal issue of hers.

Lately she has been more affectionate which is actually a little off putting. At first I thought she was up to no good as I have been burned a time or two ya know, but there is no indication that she is wayward again. Pretty sure I'd know if she had anything underground as I have become amazingly proficient at surveillance.

Starting to think it might be drugs, again. Anyone have experience with their WW/WH and drugs? Haven't really been monitoring for drugs.

You know that gut feeling? The one that likely landed us (you - the reader, and myself) here. Yeah, I have that feeling but different.

NMUN,

Was the OM ever exposed to his GF / W?

Did you ever confront the OM, do you still live near the OM?

If the OM is a drug dealer did you turn him over to the police?

God Bless
Gamma

OM didn't have a GF/W etc... at the time. OM was pretty much just a 19 y/o snot nosed kid sleeping with a married 30-something (MY married 30-something Wife).

Oddly enough, OM ended up with co-worker of my WW, who knew about A. Both have a penchant for nose candy so I can only hope they are happy and high together - living in a different town.

OM had the fear of whatever he's afraid of instilled in him. Wouldn't even go near my WW's place of employment because of exposure and... well... fear. I literally watched him stand across the street waiting for his now GF get off of work because he was too scared to go near the building. Not saying I did anything illegal to scare him so, but I did something... ya know... not nice.

OM isn't a drug dealer, but the line between drug abuser and drug dealer aren't always so clear.

Police were informed, yes.

I know it might be early in the morning, but will no one answer my question regarding triggers?

You asked above about experiencing triggers "this far along". How far along would you say you are, given this information?

Was caught morning of June 7th, 2013 high on cocaine again with her idiot best friend (host of Christmas Party) while I returned home early from a pleasure trip.
- Immediately confronted WW with a quick trip to her Mother's house and threat of immediate eviction from household by myself (MiL previously downplayed WW's drug problem and cheating during initial exposure, helicopter parenting and such).
- MiL now inline and onside. MiL can no longer downplay severity of WW's behavior (Fortunately my MiL isn't a total dunce).
- WW still periodically smokes marijuana which is a huge trigger for me given all the history in my life of loved ones abusing drugs/alcohol.
- Still finding it hard to trust WW, mostly on account of drug use.
You were advised about her drug use in your previous thread, but you brushed off her abuse as "one time". You were told that recovery is not possible with a substance abuser.

And here you are.

You are angry because your marriage is still in the dumps. She is still using drugs and certain conditions ("away for a pleasure trip", WW attending parties without you) are still present which means your marriage is another affair waiting to happen.

She needs to be drug tested and you need to consider that you will have to separate from her unless she is willing to address her drug addiction. You can't recover a marriage with an active addict.

NMUN,
You have no children.
Your wife is not only a wayward but abusing drugs.
Sadly, I do not see much to save here.
I am sorry.

Yeah, I'm not abandoning my wife nor my marriage.

Not happening. No way, no how.

Well yes, there has been an indication that she is "wayward" again -- there was the June drug incident. "Wayward" doesn't just mean cheating -- there are many reckless behaviors that fall into that category. Drug use is certainly one. The conditions that led to her ONS have not been eliminated and you are NOT safe while those behaviors are still present.

Recovering a marriage with an active addict is not possible.

Your gut is screaming out to you with good reason.

Mrs. W

Good.

So when are you going to start trying to save your wife and marriage? Plan head in the sand doesn't work.

Then why would she change her behaviour? She can get the best of both worlds right now, she gets her addiction AND she has you, knowing you won't leave because of it.

Addicts don't change unless they have to. They don't get tired of it.

Anyone else with relevant personal experience on the subject?

Many of you want to be helpful and is appreciated, but I have specific concerns that warrant specific answers.

I have had my fair share of dealings with drug addicts (and probably everyone else's fair share for that matter), and I would not classify my wife as a full on addict.

Yes my wife has screwed up royally, but that is no reason to discard another human being. Let me reiterate that last part: human being.

Some of you, are coming off as being just a tad bit judgmental. If were your spouse *gasp* you might come off as passing Disrespectful Judgements.


I like you, I don't know why but I do. I see some merits to your points.

Let me ponder on this a while.

Most of the veterans here have "relevant" personal experience. Your situation is not unique. We see it all the time. Your wife is a drug addict. Until you fix that you can't fix her or your marriage. An affair is another type of chemical/drug affair. The addict needs to be cutoff from teh drug before any healing can happen.


You're getting "specific answers". If you don't want to listen thats your choice. If so please stop wasting our time. There are others here who want and need help.

It's not abandoning your marriage to say "You will get help for your addiction or we will not remain married", it's about not enabling the addict to continue to commit the behaviours while you are being abused. It is abusive to be the spouse of an addict. This is not marriage-at-all-costs (MB).

It is like saying you will not continue to stay in a marriage with a spouse who refuses to stop their affair - you are HELPING your spouse by showing them that they cannot continue such abusive behaviours. If they refuse to stop, then at least you save your mental health in the long-run by not accepting a life of abuse from your addicted spouse.

Separation (separation - not divorce) is not abandonment or discarding. It is drawing a line in the sand and saying YOU WILL NOT ABUSE ME. If they are willing to get help and proactively change, then there is no need for divorce because that is how recovery begins. If they continue to abuse you, then it is not abandonment, it is their choice.

Absolutely! I concur.

To add to that, it is LOVING and CARING to set a boundary that says, "I am unwilling to sit idly by and watch you destroy yourself [and our marriage] by using drugs".

Even if your wife is not a drug addict, her drug use IS bothersome and harmful to you and your marriage. Drug use was also one of the conditions present when she had her one night stand.


I see. Isn't the above quote just a "tad bit judgmental" on your part?

NMUN, please stop shooting at the "rescue helicopters". No one here is doing anything other than extending a helping hand towards you. We are collectively saying that YES, it is NORMAL for you to still have anger and triggers at this point because the conditions that led to the ONS have not been eliminated. There has been no just compensation provided. Nothing has changed.

Mrs. W

The bottom line is she is choosing to get high and ignore how you feel. She's a casual user that likes the feeling here and there.

NMUN,

Take a look at my signature line -- I am a FWW myself. You'll get no argument from me that human beings aren't disposable. I know that people can and do change. My affair was 8 years ago, and my husband and I are happily recovered -- He posts here too. (MrWondering). I would not have expected him to stay if I hadn't changed my heart, mind and actions. He also made changes. We eliminated the conditions that were present in our marriage at the time of the affair, and now live a very enjoyable interdependent life.

When you have spoken to your wife about her drug use and how much it bothers you, what has she said? Is she willing to change? Is she willing to implement extraordinary precautions that will insure those changes? One glaringly obvious one to me is that she must be willing to give up her friendship with her drug using friend -- do you agree?

Mrs. W

Every time she gets high it's the same as the ONS to you. Your gut is telling you this. Listen to it. She needs to swear off drugs of any kind pot, coke, or otherwise or you won't feel safe. User, addict, recreational fun, doesn't matter the term, she likes the drugs and that classifies her as an addict. She needs to stop using, because she's abusing you.

If you mean the Pot calling the Kettle black as a means of comparing and contrasting behavior, then yes.


This sounds nice.


What rational person wouldn't have spoken to their significant other about their drug abuse? So in short, yes I have spoken to my WW about he drug abuse.

How much of it she absorbed remains to be seen.

By my own admission, probably not a lot.


This sounds more realistic to my predicament, or at least a trigger for continued anger at WW's behavior.

This isn't nearly as cut and dry as some of you would make it out to be. I understand full well there is a paradigm shift to be had here.

Personal Anecdote: In July, her estranged biological Father came to visit us from Ontario. He was drunk and probably high the whole time he was staying with us. It was really, really uncomfortable for me and I can only imagine it was just the same for my WW. He's dying, from all the hard living he's done. My hope, that this visit having taken place after my WW's last stint with nose candy would be enough to swear her off the stuff.

I am surprised that none of you MB'ers haven't had experience with a spouse who has abused drugs.

I know you are out there. It is statistically improbable that there aren't any of you out there. I understand if you don't want to divulge that information, but it's leaving me hanging in the wind here.

My only experience with it is growing up in a home where you were my mom - and your WW was my dad. She complained and got upset until the cows came home, but never actually had the will to separate if it continued. It was a horrible home to grow up in. 32 years later, she had her own exit affair and now lives in that crippled marriage, still, with no will of her own. My dad is still an addict.

If you choose to not call it addiction, she is still doing behaviours that led to her affair and refusing to stop despite that it hurts you. Death by a thousand cuts. It WILL end your marriage eventually, it just depends on how much sanity you will have left in the end. You might be able to save the marriage if you draw the line NOW and let her know that you are not a punching bag.

I have had a similar experience growing up.