I'm just curious if people here at MB have talked about exposure on other infidelity forums and found that they were anti-exposure. I myself did full blown exposure.

Just curious?

My experience is that most people are anti-exposure because they have no idea how to save a marriage after an affair. Many people unwittingly enable affairs, not realizing that affairs thrive on secrecy. Nor do most people understand the dynamics of an affair, ie: the fog that poisons the wayward mind.

MelodyLane,

I totally agree with you. They can't see that they won't have a marriage in the end if they enable an affair. It has to be stopped dead in it's tracks. The fog has to clear.

In my opinion, it's an act of love for one's WS.

This has also been my experience. I have seen others support not exposing and not to even confront the wayward. It's very sad how many other programs claim to know how to recover from infidelity, but the very first step is ignored and even shunned.

Courageous,

They likely are anti-exposure, as was I when I first read MB. When I stopped to think about every case of adultery I knew of however, it was pretty obvious that keeping adultery secret was only giving legitimacy to the lies that had allowed adultery to flourish in the first place.

God Bless
Gamma

legitimacy to the lies is a great way to put it

Full-blown exposure got my WH out of the fog pretty darn fast...worked like a charm. Why do BS endure a more lengthened suffering when they don't have to. I just don't get that mentality.

One of my relatives that knows everything thinks I did it out of revenge, but he was speaking as a FWH of my sister. He counseled me that the best thing to do is just stop talking about the A as soon as possible (whatever not gonna happen). In my opinion, my sister and her FWH swept it under the rug. They have a friend who's husband had a 7 year PA and then came back to the marriage, but they all rationalize it now because the BW got revenge on him because she made him pay for 2 separate households while he was in the A; the WH's house and the BW's house. Can you believe that!!!!! It just makes me furious!!! How could a BW put up with that for 7 years and know about it most of the time. Well it turns out that when the BW found out how I did 100% exposure to work and friends/family she wished she would have had the guts to do it herself. Don't people want to fight for their marriage. I'll never get that!

And I did NOT do it in revenge like my relative thinks. I thought long and hard about it and did tons of research. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I risked everything to do it.

Non exposure is certainly a valid approach if the goal is to end up in limbo and or further validate the A for everyone involved.

Not sure what that has to do with saving your M...

And I have yet to see a solid explanation behind non exposure other than "exposure will only kill your chance at R", and my favorite "you will only push them further away"

The goal is to end the A first then R your M.

Not the other way around.

Yes there are other forums that do NOT promote exposure.
In fact just the opposite, they promote letting the wayward go (find themselves) and dont fight anything.
One such forum purged(banned) a bunch of us pro-exposure posters a few years back and several wound up here.

oooooooh, is that where you came from?? I remember that!

I know that the Divorce Bust Weiner is anti exposure on her forums.
Her philosophy, like many others is to do a "180" and turn around and let them come back. This is to be coupled with strong personal boundaries.

James Dobson has a similar approach.

Dr Harley addressed Dr Dobsons approach on a recent show and said that as much as he (Dr Harley ) loved Dobsons work he (Dr Dobson) was wrong about his 180 approach and that such an approach ends in divorce.

Personally I waffled on esposure for weeks due to pressure and even afterwards I don't know if it did any good. I suspect my ex ww family knew of the affair before I did!
The neighbors knew before I did!
I think the most good exposure did in my case was exposing to my children so that they know the reason I divorced their mother and that they may learn from it, to hopefully forever avoid and hate adultery in their marriages.

It doesn't matter if people already know. Exposure is a call to arms. They may know there's an A, but they don't know there's a fight against it going on. They don't know the BS knows and needs support.

The WS also often fondly imagines no one knows as they bumble around tipping everybody off. Exposure is more about letting them know the jig is up than anything else.

The non exposure types dont deal with the affair at all, it is virtually ignored. You are supposed to win them back by being the better option.
I was getting conflicting advice on other forums/programs and did things wrong, i didnt expose until late and it wasnt a full on exposure.
If i had followed the advise i see here everyday, i would have had a chance to save my first marriage.
The one piece of advise in hindsight, that i should have listened to was get a lawyer immediately.

Thanks for all the comments about exposure and other forums.

Because I had over the years previously told my FWH that I didn't believe in divorce (shouldn't have done that) he probably thought everything would be OK. When I did full blown exposure it totally woke him up in a heart beat. He was so overcome with guilt and shame that he wanted to kill himself and he FINALLY started talking. I couldn't even get him to say a word about the A prior to that (he's in law enforcement). And I'm not kidding, not a word. Every time I even tried to talk about the affair he would get angry and go lock himself in another bedroom. After exposure he was different.

I too, had found that the Dobson program was anti-exposure because I called them. Even my family that was supporting me were urging me not to expose. If I had listened to them I would be divorcing now.

Thanks everyone

Hi Courageous!

I have a question regarding something you said earlier in this thread:


Are you continuing to bring up the affair even after you have all the facts?

Mrs. W

I exposed instinctually within hours of finding out.

A lot of people felt it was 'unseemly' and I must admit that without a 'program' at the time, I was a bit all over the place.

My ipad is dead right now, but at least two of the books I bought in the early days said exposing made it difficult for the WS to come back as other people knew what he/she had done and judged them.

People judged! But it didn't make it difficult for my H to come back. He would not have come back without exposure which is what ended the affair.

I guess I should rephrase. What my relative counseled me within weeks after DD was that it should not be mentioned again and to just pretend like nothing happened because it's over for the WS and it was too painful for my WS to think about. My relative brother-in-law is a FWH and IMO they swept the A under the rug. At the time he counseled me I only knew a few details of the A. The full details took 5 months to get and only after numerous coaching sessions with Steve Harley did I get any details. Luckily I had convincing evidence.

Once I had the details I am not bringing up again as SH said that I shouldn't bring up the A if it is to "beat him over the head" with it which I have mostly not done since "details day". But I do talk to my FWH about the pain I feel and we talk about how to protect our marriage from another affair and with SH's help we're learning the MB program and avoiding LB and learning to meet each others EN. How can one heal from an A and develop an affair proof marriage without talking about affairs? When my pain is so tremendous and I'm having a really hard day I try to nicely tell my husband how the A has made me feel, etc., but I try to never bring up the specifics and beat him over the head with it. I have failed a few times, but it is so hard to control emotions when the pain is so severe. I'm working on controlling my emotions. Also, IMO he needs to see and witness my pain so his remorse grows. His remorse has been slow and at times I feel like he "doesn't get it", but it's improving with time. I just need to be patient and realize that healing and building a new marriage takes time. We couldn't have made so much progress by this time without the help of SH who is wonderful.

Courageous, this is one way to drag out the pain for YEARS. I made myself and H miserable by bringing it up every time I was triggered. It was all so unnecessary. Every time I talked about it, I just brought the misery of the past into the present. It was also a huge lovebuster to BOTH of us. It ruined any hope of making our marriage a pleasant and happy place.

Don't make that mistake. Instead, actively eliminate triggers. Consider moving to a new house and town. [you will be amazed at the difference this makes!!] And most importantly, make sure you are getting in 20-25 hours of quality UA time every week. Creating a romantic, happy relationship TODAY will not only affair proof your marriage but it will help you forget the past. When you are happy in the present, the mind doesn't tend to wonder to the tragedy of the past.

I agree with you. It did NOT make it difficult for my WH to come back. It actually sped up the process because the fog suddenly lifted, the secret was exposed and he realized he was about to lose his wife.

IMO he deserved to be judged. After I exposed and my WH came back home after leaving for several days he asked, "Why did you ruin my life by telling everyone?". I replied, "I didn't ruin your life . . . you did". Boy I think that hit home with him. I know it sounds vindictive but he deserved to be judged because what he did was very, very wrong and maybe it's with the judgement and shame that will keep him from doing it again. He has to face his sin. Tough love!!!

As I'm writing this the thought occurred to me. Is it the judgment that makes them come back and not leave because everyone would think "after what he did how could he leave her"? IMO the judgement often falls on the BS (unfortunately) because they think "how could she take him back". I actually had a niece who called me late at night after she had too much alcohol and pretty much raked me over the coals for not divorcing him immediately. I know it was the alcohol talking, but it still was a little upsetting to get that call. I can see how judgement can be extremely painful for the WS, but really they did it to themselves.

I too got the "unseemly" feeling from friends and family, but they're not living my life or going through the same trauma. When I talked to friends and family about exposing the affair I told them I still loved my WH very much and that I was not exposing to hurt him, but to kill the affair, to get him out of the fog and repair our marriage.

I know you said to eliminate triggers (which I'm working on), but how do you deal with them without talking about the pain. Are you just supposed to say "No, I'm fine" when he asks if you're OK. That's not dealing with reality. He's supposed to help you handle triggers and help heal the pain he has caused, right? If I recall correctly SH says when you have trigger pain you should not bring up the specific details of the A that caused the pain, but it's alright to let him know you're having pain at the moment, not try to dismiss the pain. It's only by dealing with the pain that you heal. I don't bring things up every time I trigger only when I'm having an extremely gut wrenching day.

Believe me, like everyone else here, the faster I can get rid of the triggers the better. Thanks for the advice about making the present a happy and romantic place. We're both working very hard at making that happen. These days we have alot of good days, but there are still bad days which is the roller coaster on which we now reside at least for awhile.

Maybe what I should have said earlier is "How can one heal from an A and develop an affair proof marriage without talking about the pain from the A" at least until a little more healing takes place and I feel that he is truly remorseful".

No I am suggesting that you pretend everything is fine. All you have to do is simply say "I am having a bad day" and change the subject to something more pleasant. Don't let it ruin your marriage at a time when it is so important to create a happy marriage.

Are you actually getting enough UA time?