You can do better, though.

Start investing your time in this:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

Well, of course, Ernie. I know this without you even saying it, because Dr. Harley says that anyone in an abusive relationship will usually tend to become abusive themselves. It was true in my marriage, so I know it from experience as well as from Dr. Harley's expertise.

It sounds like your wife is willing to follow this program here and learn to eliminate this abuse. Are you? If so, part of the program is learning to be open to her complaints.

This big emotional thing you are doing - where you fall to pieces when she is honest and don't indicate you are going to take any action to address her complaint - that would be punishment to anybody.

Ernie78,

Don't try and understand why your wife does things. Just realize she feels certain ways. My wife likes sex. Even when we didn't like each other much and were constantly fightin, we were still having sex. I made the mistake of confusing sex and happines. She explained that she liked sex and I was her husband.

So just because she is cuddling and kissing does not mean she isn't hurt by you.

Note to those involved: I am not not upset - just very, very sad.


I can understand that and relate.

I was wrong in believing I was meeting her EN on a regular basis. She hadn't relayed anything to me recently that made me think I wasn't doing that.

I need to get over feeling hurt right now; it's a difficult thing to work my way out of and it generally doesn't come to people naturally.

I want to address her complaints, I just don't feel like I am getting the info from her I need to do that.

Ernie, here's an important principle: you should ask yourself regularly if you are doing the suggested things to meet her emotional needs.

Are you spending at least fifteen hours a week together giving her your undivided attention?

Are you establishing an environment of affection, being affectionate to her daily and contacting her throughout the day?

Are you integrating her into your life, inviting her into each "room" of your life?

Are you completely refraining from Love Busters such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts?

Here's some suggestions from Dr. Harley's son, Steve (also a marriage counselor):

How do you know if your spouse is "in love" with you?

Yes, we get that. Anyway, we hope you do it FAST, because the VICTIM of your abuse here, your wife, needs your help.

Are you going to listen to this radio show?

I WANT that information, but so seldom receive it. I just really wish she had said something to me about the way she was feeling, that's all...... I feel betrayed by her when I have to find out her true feelings from here, and not directly from her. I think you can understand that.

I have NOT been doing that.
When things appear to be going well, I tend to "go with" the good feelings of all that is happening (well). I have a very difficult time asking if anything is wrong, when from the signals I am getting everything is fine. I work best when the problem is presented to me - I don't go looking for problems if it appears there are no problems.


I think we are pretty close - Maybe 10-12?



Oh, yes! Absolutely! And she reciprocates very positively :-)


When she takes an interest I do - - If she appears to be not interested in what I am thinking and feeling, then I don't push her to take an interest.



Yes, except for Monday night. I was stressed about work and about stepson leaving sleeping bags and blankets out on the rain on the dirt. I did not AO, but I wasn't happy.


OK - - - They radio links don't work at work. I will have to try to get access from the computer at home. I usually get distracted by being so happy to see everyone when I get home (HUGS!) that I forget to do stuff like this.

That's not a radio link!

And Ernie - you can't afford to skip the vital education you need. Figure out how to not forget! Suggestion: read your entire thread daily, for awhile, and keep a todo list.

Yes, it would have been nice, but she didn't do that. Fortunately, though, she's telling you NOW! You need to focus on the problems now, sooner rather than later.


Yes, I definitely understand that. I understand it feels terrible, and I also understand that if we let you wallow in it, it will distract you from the work that you need to do.

If you can't hold it together well enough to do what you need to do to save your marriage, you should probably see your doctor about prescribing some antidepressants for the short term.

Ernie, just to give you some productive feedback, the scene she describes below was a massive hit to your love bank. While it may be disappointing to read that she hates you, this is invaluable information that can help you turn this around.


I think she feels that the steps in MB are her only hope (and they really are - if you know of another way please tell us all). Your refusal to do them along with the badgering above upsets her terribly.

So, any progress you make in filling her love bank is wiped out with a single lovebuster. The fact that she is not being honest with you tells me she doesn't safe doing so. And that is very typical when there is an anger problem in marriage. This is why fixing the angr problem has to be first on the list.

That is why I keep pointing you to the radio show. Dr. Harley is an expert at helping men figure out what that information is when their wife is so withdrawn she won't talk about it.

And if you've read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts, you know about the state of mind of withdrawal in marriage - where a spouse does not want their emotional needs met. In that state of mind, they won't talk about it!

Suggestion: review the Basic Concepts daily for awhile. Other suggestion: don't miss the radio show any more. It's every week day. You can listen it to it any time day or night because the show repeats.

Oh, by the way, I also gave you a cheat sheet. When something's wrong in your marriage and your wife won't talk about it, it's usually one of these things that I wrote above:


Ernie, if you're not doing those things, there's no reason to expect that your wife will be in love with you.

Yes, Ernie - quit telling your wife what you think she "should" do - that's disrespectful and it withdraws love units from your account in your wife's love bank. You can't afford that right now since your account is bankrupt.

Ernie, if you're not doing those things, there's no reason to expect that your wife will be in love with you.[/quote]

But what does he do when she LB's him in the process?

Not sure exactly what this means - the family should spend 15 hours together. FC is a need that typically the husband meets for the wife.

Ernie, quit cutting corners with Dr. Harley's suggestions, or you are going to have an unhappy wife. (Who may feel that she has to hide that unhappiness from you.)


Okay - my suggestion was for you to ASK YOURSELF. In other words, take a little pride in your work as a husband and take responsibility for yourself and look at yourself to see if you are doing a good job. My suggestion was not ask her (although that's a good idea), my suggestion was not to tell me - my suggestion is for you to TAKE OWNERSHIP of these things instead of constantly making excuses why you can't.


That's not enough. If you cut this corner, your wife will not be in love with you. Dr. Harley says there seems to be something magical about that fifteenth hour - couples who don't get it, aren't happy.

Have you read this page? (it's an article, not a radio show, so please don't again give me the excuse that you can't click it at work)
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3350_attn.html


I put a strikethrough through your excuse.

The important thing is this: out of four things that have to be happening if you want your wife to be happy, two of them are not happening.

If you will take ownership of this and start ensuring that these things happen, you won't have to worry about your wife surprising you any more.

By the way ... READ THIS: