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By the way, looking through Dr. Harley's Q&A columns, I just saw this: You are probably feeling that you are not the only one who needs to change. I'm sure that you feel your wife has contributed as much to your marital problems as you have. In fact, she may be just as abusive to you as you are to her. And her abuse of you may make it very difficult for you to overcome your abuse of her.
Almost everyone that accuses their spouse of abuse (and I've counseled literally thousands), are abusive themselves. That's not to say that they are at fault for the way they are abused, but it has a lot to do with why they choose a partner who is abusive, and why they tolerate it until the abuse gets dangerous. They are use to abusing others and being abused themselves.
Abuse is any behavior that punishes someone, disrespects them, or demands something of them. In general, abuse is anything you do that makes someone else suffer. It's what I refer to as the "Love Busters" you have been reading about in my books. You and your wife need to learn how to overcome these Love Busters at all costs. Here's the rest: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5067b_qa.htmlDon't leave those Q&A columns unread, btw. You have a lot of work to do!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Warning: After withdrawal, she will be in conflict. She will probably come out swinging. Don't be surprised if she messes up and breaks some rules and makes some demands, disrespectful judgments, or angry outbursts of her own. Don't respond with MORE demands, disrespect, or anger, or you will send her right back into withdrawal. Don't fall apart emotionally if she does. Just stay cool and keep checking that you are doing those four things and start incorporating the feedback she is providing you. OK, that is a good warning. I have had to fight "defensive tendencies" all my life. Really, NO ONE enjoys getting attacked - especially by their spouse. If you are a Christian man, please pray for my patience to be able to always handle that type of situation. It sounds a lot like going through a root canal with no anesthesia!!! Yes, we see the defensive tendencies in you very clearly, I'm afraid. They aren't attractive - and we're here to help you eliminate them, even when your wife slips up and attacks you. But first you've got to quit using them as an excuse. I will absolutely pray for you, Ernie, and I have already been doing so. But I am praying for Elena's safety. She needs you to get out of the defensiveness, the excuses, the corner-cutting attitudes, ASAP. You should view her like somebody you have robbed or injured - you have a debt to repay. Think more about HER than yourself. If you are a Christian man, this principle should sound familiar.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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So, 24 hours from now, you will have listened to the Marriage Builders Radio show at least once, right?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Start working through Love Busters with your wife, and start exchanging the weekly worksheets that book describes (there's a workbook if you need a guide as to what those should look like). We have this workbook; ironically I photocopied a bunch of pages out of it the last several days for us to go through. When I get home I am in such a hurry to see everyone, I forgot the packet in my truck :-( I will photocopy all the lovebusters pages - - it that the BEST first step? (for us to work on those?) If not, let me know. Get that to do list made. Put all the above on it.  You do mean these 4 items, correct? Are you spending at least fifteen hours a week together giving her your undivided attention?
Are you establishing an environment of affection, being affectionate to her daily and contacting her throughout the day?
Are you integrating her into your life, inviting her into each "room" of your life?
Are you completely refraining from Love Busters such as selfish demands, disrespectful judgments, angry outbursts?
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Ernie there is no sense in your wife learning how to eliminate her demands, disrespect, and anger, if you aren't completely totally 100% committed to doing so yourself. It would be a waste of time for her. No, I am on board with this. I can be 100% committed to it. Your abusive behavior is not caused by her abusive behavior. No, dishonesty was the main reason, it's been going on for years and I have always had a hard time talking to her about how it hurts me so much. We have really been dishonest with each other about a lot of things since the beginning. it's all just excuses to not do the work and it would be unsafe for her to invest much more effort in your marriage. No sir - I will do the work. I do need to ask: What can I do/use to keep the ball rolling? On those days when I feel like all hope is lost, what's the next step to keep the momentum up?
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Thanks for that. Yes, i DO have a lot of work to do!
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No, dishonesty was the main reason, it's been going on for years and I have always had a hard time talking to her about how it hurts me so much. We have really been dishonest with each other about a lot of things since the beginning. Her dishonesty is not the cause of your abusive behavior. She is not the cause of your anger or disrespectful judgements. You and you alone are responsible for those. You cannot stop your anger until you take responsibility for it and stop blaming her. Please read the chapters on Angry Outbursts and Disrespectful Judgements in "Lovebusters."
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In fact, YOUR anger and disrespect greatly contributes to her being dishonest. You have created an environment that discourages honesty.
Very few people will be honest when they fear abuse.
You want honesty? Make it safe for her to be honest. This will take time and a lot of hard work on your part.
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In fact, YOUR anger and disrespect greatly contributes to her being dishonest. You have created an environment that discourages honesty.
Very few people will be honest when they fear abuse.
You want honesty? Make it safe for her to be honest. This will take time and a lot of hard work on your part. You know, I can understand how y'all might think I might be angry today, but I haven't actually been angry once all day. It's impossible to determine this when you can't hear a person's voice.(a serious flaw in the message board world) It's actually been several days since I was "upset" in an angry-sort-of way, but I kept my cool. (I have been much more upset about other goings-on the last few days, but not in an angry way.) I have been very sad at times today, but I am feeling pretty chipper right now.  I need to leave work soon (was not a very productive day here I'm afraid)- Do y'all have any last words of advice before I head home? I printed off pages 13-17 (Commitment form) as well as pages 37-84 of the "5 Steps to R.L." workbook. (double copies where needed). I'll listen to all the radio links tonight that Marcos posted, and I'll print off the stuff I need to read before I head out. How do I approach my wife when I get home?
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Print out T he love busters questionaire
me, DH
all the children
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Print out The love busters questionaire OK, got both his and hers printing now! How about the other questions I had asked earlier? Anyone?
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You know, I can understand how y'all might think I might be angry today, but I haven't actually been angry once all day. It's impossible to determine this when you can't hear a person's voice.(a serious flaw in the message board world)
It's actually been several days since I was "upset" in an angry-sort-of way, but I kept my cool. (I have been much more upset about other goings-on the last few days, but not in an angry way.) It's going to take a lot longer than just "several days." Even if it's true that you haven't been angry for several days, and I'll believe you on that, you have already created the environment that discourages honesty by your PAST angry outbursts. And the disrespectful judgements are still going on, and have been evident today.
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Ernie, we are glad that you are making an effort.
It is obvious that you did not go into this relationship withe the current result in mind.
What seems difficult for you at this time, is to see and feel how your way of relating to your wife has damaged her. It is very good that you have succeeded not to have angry outbursts for a few days.
Now think about it. If you had a bulldog, who would bite you every day, would you feel safe with the dog if it hadn't bitten a few days in a row?
It is a start, but as we say here, trust comes on foot, but it goes on horseback!
It will take time and continued effort to gain her trust back. At thd same time, you have to start by being the father and husband your family deserves.
You cannot wait for them to be perfect. Even if they spit in your face so to speak, you should be able to contain yourself.
you can only control you and become the man your wife fell in love with.
me, DH
all the children
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It's going to take a lot longer than just "several days." Yeah, I was fine up until the good blankets were left on the ground out in the woods. I didn't get angry but I wasn't happy about it either. Before that it has been much longer than "several days". Even if it's true that you haven't been angry for several days, and I'll believe you on that, you have already created the environment that discourages honesty by your PAST angry outbursts. Yes, I realize that. I know a regain in trust comes slow. How about taking a stab at some of the questions I posted earlier? They are important to me to have answered or I would not have asked them. Thanks!
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Ernie, we are glad that you are making an effort.
It will take time and continued effort to gain her trust back. At the same time, you have to start by being the father and husband your family deserves.
You cannot wait for them to be perfect. Even if they spit in your face so to speak, you should be able to contain yourself. Thank you, Happy Heart.
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Yeah, I was fine up until the good blankets were left on the ground out in the woods. I didn't get angry but I wasn't happy about it either. Before that it has been much longer than "several days". Your wife is the judge of that.
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OK, heading home. I will check in later!
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And after she has filled out tge love busters questionaire, read it carefully. Di not argue with her as to what she considers love busting. If it bothers her, stop dojng it. Even if you would not feel it was disrespectful. Dr Harley encourages couples to stop doing the things that irritate the spouse. Even in small things like flossing yiur teeth, so do not take offense.
If you feel unjustly judged after reading the questionaire, refrain from talking to her about it. Just think about it and invent different ways to act.
me, DH
all the children
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Yeah, I was fine up until the good blankets were left on the ground out in the woods. I didn't get angry but I wasn't happy about it either. Before that it has been much longer than "several days". Your wife is the judge of that. How can you know if you're a perpetrator of disrespectful judgments? Ask your spouse. You may not realize how you come across. But you are disrespectful if your spouse thinks you're disrespectful. That's the deciding factor. This goes for the other love busters as well.
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"I do need to ask: What can I do/use to keep the ball rolling? On those days when I feel like all hope is lost, what's the next step to keep the momentum up?"
I would really like to know the answer to this as well.
Me: 46
Wife: 46
Daughter 9
Son 8
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