Pretty good 3 days I'd say for my wife and I. I have been following the plan and I've seen a lot less DJs and SDs from my wife. That makes me happy. She also got a couple referrals of marriage counselors in our area which we'll investigate soon. My wife is opposed to MB and I understand why. There is no fault on the part of MB, but there most certainly is with me. I didn't follow the plan and some very ugly things happened which I wish I could take back. MB has the track record and the credentials so I hope some day she is able to investigate it one day in the future.

My plan with the counselor we choose is to let her and my wife know what I need in this marriage. My needs are:

Affection - I'm an affectionate guy. Receiving affection from my wife makes me feel like "I'm her guy." I don't currently feel that.
Sexual Fulfillment - Ideally we'd have sex 1-2 times a week. Tue and Thu are ideal, after a workout while all of our kids are in school. Night time is when we are both tired and out of energy so this solution works well since I work out of the house. I have suggested before to my wife.
Physical Attractiveness - This is met just fine. I think my wife is incredibly attractive from top to bottom.
Admiration - I would like to be admired by my wife for the things I do and successes or ideas I have. She is proud of me providing for us, but on most other subjects I don't find her to share in my joy.

The things I don't like are:

DJs - My wife is frequently disrespectful to me, and I towards her. I would like to agree together that disrespect and judging has no place in our home or relationship.
SDs - My wife frequently demands that I do things and I don't like that. I prefer to be asked for things not told things. I would like to also agree that we don't demands things of each other and that we always, always find a win/win for both of us.
Independent Behavior - My wife is a very independent person. Part of it is because I neglected her for the first 5 years of marriage so she set out to go fill that void with her friends. Nevertheless, the general feeling I have is that might wife wants me to do what I want to do and for her to do what she wants to do. I'm not ok with that model. I want an integrated marriage whereby we consult with the other person on all activities with respect.

A scenario like the one above would make me very happy in this marriage.

So it is very apparent that I tune out my wife. I don't intentionally do this but each time I don't hear something that she told me it really makes her feel bad. I literally have no recollection of the things that she says she tells me sometimes. I want to change this, but I don't know how. It is important to me that my wife and I figure out a way where we are able to minimize this from occurring because it is a big, big deal to her.

In my defense I do feel very overwhelmed at the volume of things that my wife tells me. I feel like I go on system overload and I must subconsciously shut it down. I don't seem to have this issue in other parts of my life like work or anything, it is specifically with my wife.

Kinda dead in here this week. Hoping for some help on this issue. I'd really like to be able to listen, comprehend, and remember my wife's requests as they occur. I know that the brains of men and women differ greatly in their capacity to take in information. It would make me happy if my wife researched this as well so that she understood my perspective as well. My concern is that she thinks that if I forget something, that I simply don't care. I do care, but with all I have to remember at work, I have a very hard time shifting back and forth between the two environments. I segment things a lot. It is not that I have any desire or reason not to complete what she asks, it is that I find it very hard to multitask and memorize the next task or activity. In the work world I have a never ending series of reminders and alerts. I'm starting to think that setting my business up to only "react" to an email or reminder has made my memory useless without it. All I know is remembering all the things my wife tells me stresses me out because I'm terrified to forget something, for fear that it will make her feel bad. Sometimes it is not that any harm was done by forgetting something, it is more on a level that by not remembering, she thinks that I just don't care about anything. This has been a common complaint in the past. I do care, but I don't think I have the capacity to manage this much information on a consistent basis. We communicate a ton during the day. Volumes of texts, both of us constantly, letting each other know where we are and what we are doing, etc. What I struggle with is when my wife tells me a future date and that I forget that date when I mention an alternate event on the same day. In this particular case my wife said she told me that I could meet my mom so that she could give a gift to our little one any day but this Wed. I honestly have no recollection of this specific statement but she says she did. When my mom sent me a note asking what day, I wasn't operating in the mindset of my wife's calendar, I was simply trying to solve a problem. In my mind I just wanted to find a date that worked for me, my wife, and my mom. So I asked my wife if Wed worked and it in fact did not. She was upset because I didn't remember. From her perspective I'm sure I seemed inconsiderate. I didn't mean to I was just trying to solve a problem.

Buy a notebook. Write down her requests.

As for the male/female brain thing, I get it. I do just as I suggested for work.

How about a big family calender on the kitchen wall with a to do list? If your wife pledges to put her requests on the to do list or mark off any special days she needs you to take note of on the calendar, you could pledge to check it every day when you get home and put the details in your phone/calendar. Or you could both sit down and update your calenders and to do list daily/weekly.

Dr Harley is a big fan of couples getting organised. As UA time is the cornerstone of the marriage, he suggests couples sit down once a week and set aside 15 hours UA time for each other. There's no reason you can't schedule other things at the same time (so long as the UA time goes in first). Not sure if your wife is on board with UA time yet but it can't hurt to get her thinking about when to sit down and organise stuff.

Another thing you can do is get your wife to email instead of text. Most email packages let you drag the email into the associated email calendar very easily.

Keep brainstorming until you find a solution you are both enthusiastic about.

I'm curious: what are you referring to here? What ugly things happened that you wish you could take back? This information might help posters to better understand her reluctance and give you suggestions for helping overcome it.


This is great news! I've heard Dr. Harley say that a committed husband has a much better chance of winning over a reluctant wife than vice-versa: so your odds are GREAT.

So glad you're counseling with Steve. He is top-notch.

He made some SDs that she follow MB, he also tried to educate her about it. When she wasn't willing he made some DJ's about her reasons not to. After these series of lovebusters she is probably triggered at the mere mention of MB.

It doesn't matter as he can follow the principles and encourage her in a gentle way without using the lingo.

Thanks Indie. I read that earlier, just wasn't sure if he was referring to something else in the post above? As he afterward said she felt neglected, developed an IB lifestyle, and feels uncared-for when he forgets things that are important to her. Just trying to clarify the "issue of the moment," so posters can be as helpful as possible.

I'm concerned that my idea of a calendar might make her feel that I'm trying to instruct or control. I can't afford that now. I'm trying to pay attention better when I hear her talking and trying to see the difference between her talking out loud vs her talking to me. If I'm sending an email to a client, this is difficult and I might not even hear her at all. What I need to avoid is to acknowledge things that I haven't in fact heard. I did ask her today, when I didn't quite hear her, ask her if what she said was something I needed to remember, it wasn't. I'm also trying to stop what I'm doing and look at her, or also stop what I'm doing and put a reminder in my calendar.

My wife needs to feel safe that I'm not gonna once again become disrespectful to her or demanding for a longer period of time, as in forever, than in the past. What has happened historically is my Taker would get upset, and I would allow myself to go back to how I was before. It had the net effect of destroying any love I had built up over the period of time where my Taker was behaved. I've done this more than once, much more than once so my credibility is shot. I've come to terms that my needs not being met are unrelated to me lovebusting my wife. My anxiety and unhappiness of the state of my marriage is also unrelated to me lovebusting my wife. My wife's lovebusters towards me are also unrelated to me lovebusting my wife.

Good for you being sensitive to this problem. The males in my family have an auditory processing disorder which means they simply cannot hear when they are hyper focused. We got into the habit of asking for an acknowledgement.

Looking up and repeating back what you heard is good too.

I might have that disorder. We ask for acknowledgement with my kids, and I have no problem having her ask for acknowledgement provided it is respectfully done. It wouldn't feel very good on my end if she did so with DJs or Demands.

HL, obviously I don't know your wife but I would be amazed if it would offend her if you would ask her "How would you FEEL about getting a wall calendar and writing tasks on it?"

If its any comfort at all, Dr Harley himself says he has ADHD and Joyce agrees!

I hear ya, it is more of a timing thing, this is new again for us after trying this awhile back. Even if I'm not trying to educate my wife, it could possibly come off that way based on me doing it a lot in the past. I'll get to that point, but for now I want to see what things I can do first before I request that she do things as well.

I spoke to a couples therapist and I found her to be quite reasonable very much in tune with MB-type concepts. I was open about my feelings on what I found to be the fundamentals of a couples therapist. I was very vocal about the type of therapy that I disagree with, which is the modern focus of "just accept who he/she is" and live with it. She is adamantly opposed to that as well, and used the word "mutually beneficial" on more than one occasion. She impressed me because she was able to pick up on the fact that the current situation might need some tweaking in terms of our environment. I let her know that I'm not looking to make this a "venting" session and that I really wanted to learn, particularly about my wife's perspective. I also let her know that I'd be happy to tell her and my wife what I'm looking for in the relationship, as well as what bothers me. Mostly I let her know that I'm fully ready to begin the process by looking internally to begin with which she liked very much. I gather the average client is not prepared to do this. My wife was made aware of the conversation and plans to have one herself.

Have you written Dr. Harley?

Written and spoken to him before. Spoke with Steve and he is aware that she is unwilling to consider MB at this time. He stated that "We are not the only game in town." He was supportive of me seeking couples therapy as long as I did my homework and followed the rules. He was concerned of all things of my wife's competitive nature. He gathered this from her running achievements and said that he fully expects her to "dig her heels in." She may, but again this unrelated to me lovebusting her so I simply won't.

Good call, HLB. From personal experience I can say that taking responsibility for my Lovebusters - regardless of difficult circumstances - was one of the most enlighting experiences of my life. Boy, did my blaming finger want to keep pointing at anything else...but I finally realized I am 100% responsible for my behavior, no matter what. Not a fun thing to admit, but I'm so much happier now (crazy thought, but true).

Glad you're getting counseling and posting here. You've got great odds of winning back your wife. It might take time to 'prove' to her that you're finished LB'ing (as you mentioned above) but you can do it!

Yes I'm ok with being responsible for my behavior. The hard part is keeping yourself under control when needs are not being met. I would be very happy if my wife were affectionate, met my need of SF, and admiration. Each day that goes by, I'm hopeful that I'll see a small gesture. Last night didn't go well. I don't mean lovebusting, I mean in that we had an opportunity to meet each other's needs but it didn't happen. I tried to get a few conversations going but it didn't work. She just wanted to play games on her phone. I know she is withdrawn, but it doesn't make it any easier.

So I spoke to a recommended therapist for my wife and I yesterday. I sent her contact info to my wife. She said last night that she'd maybe call her today and then we could make appointment which was good. I have to give my wife every opportunity to make that call. I hope she makes the call cause I really, really liked her. If she doesn't make the call, I won't do anything other than to respectfully ask her again tomorrow and leave it at that. In the past I had a very difficult time doing this and I'd make her pay for it with a DJ or SD usually.