I suspect my wife of 24 years has been involved in a longterm affair with an old boyfriend. For me the warning signs came right after we got married, when OB would make late-night drunk phone

calls to the house. We lived several states away at the time and of course this was before cell phones, email, the internet and text messaging. After a few times I told my wife to tell him to

stop calling. She did and he did. He apologized. They maintained very limited contact after that; calls at the holidays, birthdays, Christmas cards. I met the guy a time of two when he happened

to be in town for work. we went out for dinner, drinks, etc. I actually like the guy accept for the fact that he used to sleep with my wife and is now a "friend".

Around 2000, I took a promotion at work that reassigned us close to where I grew up. At this time we had 3 kids and the idea of being close to family and possibly putting down some roots appealed

to both of us. My wife was also able to get a reassigment with her sales job, so the move looked like it was everything we wanted. ONly problem was that my wife's company reassigned her to a new

postion that happened to be right where the old boyfriend lived. I never understood why my wife felt the need to stay in touch with this guy, but I trusted her - afterall she marrried me, we had 3

kids. I didn't want to be the obsessive, jealous husband so I suppressed my gut instincts. Her job required weekly overnight travel and she would tell me that she was meeting OB for lunch or

dinner and then she would call me and tell me what they had to eat, how he was doing - all farily benign stuff. The fact that she was telling me that she was meeting him made me feel a little

better, but I still did not like it. But I let it go. Then one morning when she was working in the home office I brought her in a cup of coffee and as I'm coming up behind her I see that her email

is up and the there is a flirty email from OB. He calls my wife by the pet name that they used when they were dating and closes with "LOve R." As soon as she notices that I am there she quickly

closes the email and pretends nothing happens. At the time I didn't know what to do or say, so I just pretended I didn't see anything. I didn't have access to her work email, so I couldn't see

what was being exchanged, but this sudden email closing happened more than once when I appeared at inopportune moments. I finally became suspicious enough to start checking cell phone records and

noticed a troubling pattern. When she was on the road, she would call me when she got to her hotel at night, we would caht briefly about her day, my day, how the kids were doing, miss you, love

you - You know, typical married life stuff. We would hang up and she would almost immediately call the OB and talk for 30, 40 minutes - sometimes for more than 1 hour. Again, I didn't know what to

do. My gut told me that something was going on, I should have confronted her about it, but didn't. I would ask if she had heard from OB and she would tell me that she talked with him "the other

day" or something like that and what he was doing. She never denied talking with him, but she certainly neve r went into detail or the frequency and duration of the calls. She would also tell me

when they occassionally altered their schedules and travel routes to meet for lunch when she and OB happened to both be traveling for their jobs. Again, struck me as a bit much to drive 30-40 mins

out of your way to meet up for lunch with an OB, that you already occassionally have lunch and dinner with anyway. I know - red flags, Guess I'm just an idiot.

About 2004 my wife was able to get a transfer to a new territory that we lived in and was 3 hours away from OB. It was such a relief to have her away from OB and whatever I thought was going on.

I honestly think I was and still am in a state of denial that anything was going on. About this time we started to have some problems with our relationship - for whatever reason my wife didn't

like my mom and other family members. When we lived out of state and would come to visit for the holidays or over the summer they all seemed to get along fine. They would even talk on the phone

when we were back home. This shift from liking my family to resenting them, really caught me off guard and I found myself in the middle of my wife and mom. My wife came to me in about 2007 and

told me that she wanted us to move. Things weren't working out the way she had hoped, cost of living was high, taxes were high, schools weren't that great, etc. ANd given the state of our

relationship I thought that maybe a move would give us an opportunity for a new start. By this time an emotional distance had developed between us were still sleeping together, and sex was still

good, but not like it used to be. But is always seemed like I was always wrong; that whatever I did or didn't do or said of didn't say got her angry. She would get in these withdrawn moods that

would take her 2-3 days to become her old self. Anyway, i looked for and found a new job out of state and we moved. At this time, as far as I knew OD was out of the picture, except for cards,

holiday and birthday calls.

In 2009 we moved halfway across the country to a new job. It was tough. The only one who wanted to move was my wife, neither I nor the kids wanted to move. I liked my job, was close to family

and friends. For my kids, who where in 8th, 6th and 5th grades at the time - this was home. It was really the only place they had known so leaving friends and family behind was very hard. But we

did it. I never told them that we moved because mom wanted to move. I gave them all the new job, new opportunities, how it was too expensive and we couldn't afford to stay in our old home reasons

for leaving. All of those were true, but we could have made things work out if we wanted to. The only reason we moved was because of my wife. I honeslty feel that if we didn't move, she would

have left on her own. So I had to make a choice, and I chose my wife. Told white lies to my kids, friends and family and we moved.

When we moved, we decided that my wife would stay home and not work so that she could focus on the family and rebuilding our life. Weel, things did not improve after the move and we started going

to marriage counseling. My wife seemed to be treating me like the enemy and brought up all these things that took place with my family, friends that she accused me of being involved with. Maybe

I'm just dumb, but I honeslty did not know what she was talking about and was completely clueless. WHen I thought back to what was going on at the time that all these things she was bringing up at

counseling were happening we where remodeling the house, putting in an in-ground pool, taking the kids on Disney cruises, etc. And she was involved with the OB in what I beleive was at least an EA

maybe more. Her timeline and mine were not in sync at all. At times during counseling I thought she was nuts. I tried very hard to see things from her perspective, maybe I was just clueless and

didn't see what was happening or just didn't see the significance of some of the issues she was bringing up during counseling sessions at the time they took place. Needless to say counseling was

not very productive. It was entirely focused on discussing the past and never really focused on where we go from here. I guess I am not one to wallow in the past - Whatever has happened,

happened. Whether we completely agree on what actually took place, we need to acknowledge eachother's feelings about it and move on. I f we keep reliving the past - how are we ever going to move

forward to a new life together. Anyway, we stopped going to counseling about a year ago. Not sure it helped much. I feel like it was more of a grievance validation session for my wife and that

once I relented and agreed that even though I don't believe nor completely understand her issues, they may have happened. She was done with counseling. One more thing - while we were talking at home about our issues she told me that she would cry to OB about our marriage problems, my family etc., This took place before we moved and while she was with him at dinner or out for drinks. Timeline doesn't fit in my mind, but oh well.

About a year ago my wife got an Iphone and guess what pops up on the scrolling message notifications - text messages from the OB. I haven't checked her phone - she keeps it glued to her hip and is

rarely without it. But when we are together and it is on the table or counter and the notifications come in, I can see who they are from although not what they say. Gut feeling comes in again and

I check the cell phone records and there are calls to and from the OB. These calls again are several times a month at least. Sometimes multiple calls during a day. Durations anywhere from 15-60

mins sometimes more. If we didn't have 3 kids, a mortgage, bills and everything that goes with 24 years or marriage, I don't know if we would even talk. When I try to strike up a conversation her

responses are terse and defensive - even when I am trying to talk about fluff just to have conversation. Intimacy and affection has dropped off to almost zero. She never initiates anything - hugs,

kisses, touches, [censored]-pinching, nothing. If I didn't ask for sex we would never have it. When we do have sex - about 2x a month - it is very mechanical, Sometimes I almost feel like getting up

and walking away because there is just no emotional connection. She acts like she just wants to ***edit*** get it over with - no foreplay, very little kissing and touching. ***edit*** Needless to say, I am hurting and frustrated at my wife's lack of

interest in intimacy or anything remotely resembling affection.

The wife continues to talks and text the OB. A couple of months ago he was at the airport for a layover (he's a pilot) and my wife drove almost 3 hours round trip to meet him. We do live in the

middle of nowhere - for example the nearest mall is 4 hours away and it is routine to drive 2 hours oneway for school sports and other activities. She calls me and tells me that she is going to

meet OB, while I have been trying to get her to meet me for unch at work and she never seems to have the time. Keep in mind that she doesn't work and my office is only 45mins away.

Last week my wife drove back east to pick up a girlfriend who was injured and couldn't fly home. On the way she visited her sisters. One Monday she calls me and tells me she is in the town near

the OB and she is going to meet him for dinner. This wasn't on her intinerary and is 4 hours out of her way. When I ask her where she is spending the night - there is a long pause and she tells

me that OB invited her to stay with him. I wanted to scream WTF are you crazy, not no bu hell no, but I didn't - I told her to stay wherever she wants and to let me know where she will be staying.

She never calls or txts me - I call several times it goes to VM, I text several times, no response. I couldn't sleep. I got up early - she was 2 hours ahead of home - and called and texted.

Finally about 7:30 - which would have been 9;30 her time - she calls. I didn't yell or scream at her, but I told her how disappointed I was in her lack of judgement, that a married woman should not be spending the night alone with a guy she used to sleep with, and then I went into how this OB has been a problem since we got married and basically recounted everything I posted here although not as succinctly. She apologized and I told her that she needs to make some decisions when she gets home. That is takes two to tango and that I have been on the dance floor for a longtime and she hasn't shown up. She is visiting our oldest at college today and comes home from her trip tonight. I took tomorrow off from work so we can talk. I plan on telling her that she needs to make a choice - i gave her the opportunity to make a choice the other night and chose OB over me, our marriage, our family and our future. She needs to make another choice OB or me, our marriage, family, anf future. I honeslty do not know what she will do or say, but I prepared to tell her to get out if she can't make up her mind. I am not going to compete with an OB for my wife's time, attention and affection.

I am very disappointed with her and now believe that OB is the primary cause of our marital issues. The more I think about it, the more I believe all the issues she brought up in counseling, though they may have happened, are just to assuage her guilt and justify her affair with OB. I don't know if they have had sex or not - I guess at this point it doesn't matter. I am also upset with myself for not squashing this relationship with OB from the beginning.

Woudl appreciate any feedback, advice, commiseration. I am swinging wildly between absolute outrage.anger and just wanting to get my wife and our life back. Could use some help. Thanks, Bill

Hi Bill, this is an awful lot to read to just get the point, so forgive me if I missed the point. Is she living at home now? Is the OM married?

It would help if you could cut that back to 3-4 short paragraphs so others will have time to respond.

Bill;

This is textbook affair behaviour. Your wife is following the script exactly.

I am sorry for your situation. You have landed in the right place to get help. Do exactly what the veterans here tell you. Weekends are slower than weekdays, but for now, answer Melody's questions and do what she tells you. Time to take back your power.

You can do this. Have you read the "Read here first" entries at the top of the "Surviving An Affair" column?

Mel,

Thanks for taking the time to read. You are right it is wordy. Helped me alot just to put my feelings/thoughts into words.

Yes she is still at home. Will be home tonight from the road trip and visiting our oldest at college. Old boyfriend has never been married.

I'm 50, wife is 53 and OM is 56. Kids are 18, 16 and 15.

Will work on a condensed version and repost.

Thanks again, Bill

Cat,

Thanks. I have been all over the internet looking for advice, signs of affairs. You name it I've looked at it. I've known in my gut that this was a problem, just wasn't willing to believe it.

I have been through quite a bit of the info on the site. If she choses me over the OB I plan on makinng her end all contact with him and then adopt the policies from the site - mutual agreement and complete honesty. Will see where things go from there.

No doubt she will give me we are just friends crap, but I'm not that stupid or delusional anymore. She's busted and I think she knows it.

Thanks for your prompt reply. Will work on Mel suggested. Kids are home so it is a little tough finding the time to write without them seeing it. Once their mom comes clean will let them know what has been going on. They aren't stupid. They know something is not right and they are always asking me what is up with mom.

I feel terrible for not sticking up for my marriage and family when I first suspected this over 10 years ago. What a chump.

Thanks again,

Bill

Bill, before you take the time to write that condensed version, I would go and read my exposure thread that is linked in my signature. Exposure provides your best chance to save your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure is ruinous. It will take quite a bit to bust up this affair, so you would want to expose it wide and far, especially to the OM's family and friends.

I believe this is your only hope. I suspect that your wife is one of many women that the OM visits. Exposing to his facebook friends will cause so much trouble for him that he will likely dump your wife.

Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist and the author of Survivng an Affair and here is what he says about exposure:



Exposure ruins affairs because affairs thrive on fantasy and secrecy. Exposing it is like bringing in a crowd of people to the crack house to watch the crack heads get high. It ruins the high!

Go tell the kids right now all about her affair. It doesn't matter if she admits it or not. You already know she is having an affair and need to just expose it. Don't get caught in the trap of waiting for her admission. Just tell her you know and don't need her admission.

In fact, I would expose the affair this afternoon before she gets home. Let her come home to phone calls from family and friends asking about her affair.

Bill take ML's advice and expose straight away. This A is very entrenched and you know full well what's been going on.

I'd just expose matter of factly using the wordin in the templates.

Don't worry about your wife's reaction. At this point you have nothing to lose.

Absolutely. Don't get dragged into a tar pit converstion of how you know/her denials either. Simply say. 'I KNOW and as of this moment he is history as far as we are concerned'. Very confidently and refuse to be drawn into that tar pit conversation

Guys, thanks.

What a nightmare. Have already did the cut and paste and working on editing now. To be honest - I am angry, afraid and ashamed all at the same time. Complete rollercoaster.

Still have chores to do, livestock to feed and a religious ed class that I am teaching tonight. All while I am trying to pretend that everything is normal.

Thanks again. All the advice sites said this wouldn't be easy. They're right. A lot of folks probably just give up.

Will keep you posted. Bill

Just hang in there, Bill!! There are no guarantees, but you have a chance if you will take these steps.

Let us know if you need any guidance in your exposures.

After you expose, your wife will be furious. Just be prepared for it and don't let it upset you. Simply DEMAND that she end all contact for life with the OM or this will lead to divorce. Ask her to send him a no contact letter than is approved by you and sent together. I will post a template in the next post.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Bill;

So sorry about the roller coaster you are on. I know it well...

Since you have been reading and researching a lot, you likely will see that the MB approach is a bit different. However, it is the only one that works, the only one with a chance at ending your wife's affair, getting you healed, recovering your marriage (if that is what you chose) and finally, guiding you to build a better marriage than you and your wife ever had in the past. And THAT is, ultimately, the brass ring.

Now get busy with exposure.

You can do this.

Thanks again. I know what needs to be done. Like standing in the door at airborne school. Just need to do it. Why does that now seem so much easier than this.

Will keep you posted. Bill

yup. Likely hardest thing you will ever have to do....

You can do it.

BillN,

Long term you will need to get DNA tests for your kids, and a polygraph for your WW.

God Bless
Gamma

Bill,
I'm sorry you've had to endure this for 10 years. Please read all of the material on this site. For the last 10 years you have been lied to by your wife and she has shifted the blame to you.

Your marriage can recover if you follow the MB plan and she is willing to also.

Do the exposure. Expose to all of your wife's friends and family, and to the other man's.

I took yesterday off from work and confronted my wife about her and the OB. She already knew what was coming from our phone call on Tuesday and she had 5 days in the car to think about it on her way home. I don�t think she was surprised.

I basically went over everything I knew from the beginning. I did not ask her any questions or give her any opportunity to argue. I stated everything as a fact. I knew what was going on and it needed to end. She did not say anything. She stood there and cried. When I told her she needed to end it with OB, no more contact, she agreed. She didn�t make any arguments; none of this we are just friends, you are over reacting � nothing. I told her I blocked OBs phone number so she can no longer send nor receive calls of SMS messages from. She did not say anything. I told her if find out she has any more contact with OB we are through. I gave her the text of a message to send the OB. She rewrote some of it, but it is basically the same as what MB recommends.

We spent the rest of the day just doing normal husband and wife stuff. Running errands, went out for lunch. She actually reached out and held my hand. We did not talk about the OB or the affair for the rest of day. Other than what has taken place, it was a very nice day. This morning I gave her the policies of mutual agreement and total honesty to read so we can talk about them tonight. She is coming to meet me a work for lunch and to go for a walk.

Despite all of your advice, and even having the exposure email cued and ready to go, I could not do it. Maybe I just can�t handle the shame of everyone knowing that my wife was unfaithful; what would it do the kids and how they think about their mother as well as what impact will have on their future relationships? Maybe I am just a chump, but I am going to give her a chance and see what happens. I don�t want to threaten her, but am thinking of telling her, that if she doesn�t follow through on our plan for ending the affair I am going to tell everyone we know about it and then she can explain why she destroyed our marriage and our family for her OB.

I would not do this. Instead, ask her to give you a written timeline and ask her your questions. I would take this opportunity to get as much out of her NOW while she is worried...even if she comes up with crazy lies at least you will be able to see where her mind is. I told my then WH (we are now divorced) that he NEEDED to tell me the truth or else I was GONE!!! But I meant it...I don't know if you would be gone without the truth.

Sorry you find yourself here. Welcome to MB.

ETA: I would hold off on the exposure until you ask your questions and get some answers...but this should only take a day. If you don't expose after that you will be nuking your own family. Exposure will help both of you and your marriage. You being a conflict avoider for ten yrs is what allowed your WW to have a LTA. Please stop.