You said above

But on 16 November you said

Which statement is true?

You have posted all your evidence of an affair, but we already knew there was one. This post does not advance things at all. You haven't dealt with the main things we discussed while you were away - the issues of her living with a married couple and a clear answer to whether you have frightened or attacked your wife to make her leave.

The only thing you have said is that you can't afford a PI. How do you know this? Have you looked into it?

Like we said earlier, your wife is having an affair. Do you have the evidence yet? All of your focus must remain on getting the evidence of the affair.

Wow, T0186.

You must get that evidence and expose the affair to the world. There's no point in 'working on the marriage' until the affair is ended, dude.

Should this go back to the SAA forum?

I do not abuse my wife. Never have I ever touch her. She will tell you in her own words that I am a gentleman.
I lied about earlier planting a bug on her phone because I was in denial of her cheating. I do have a way to reset her Facebook account and log myself in but what if I don't find anything there? She will leave me then. Should I just go for it and reset her Facebook password and log in and check?
My plan:
Text MO and tell him my wife told me he was the brother of her friend and thank him for watching my son with his wife and two kids. This will hopefully spark some issues with her.
Then I am going to ask WW to let me meet her friend and her friends brother because I want to know who is watching my child.
And final one if none of the other two ways pan out then reset her Facebook account and login and hopefully find something? Issues is she will know I am looking then.

I will also look at hiring a PI.

Abuse is more than physical. It can be raising your voice, calling her bad names, etc

She is afraid to come back because she doesn't want to be alone again. For the last two years I have been working lots of hours and when I get home I am not the best husband because I am over worked and exhausted. She feels she has been a single mother to our child for a long time. She just finally got tired of it. Good news is she is moving out of her friends apartment but bad news is she is moving into her own place. She said she has felt alone for so long she just wants to be alone now. We will keep going to counseling and I spoke with the counselor and she knows Dr. Harley's concepts so we will be using his concept to help rebuild our love and marriage. I feel sad that I have hurt her so much that she had lost her love for me. I feel so relieved that she is willing to try for the sake of our son. The counselor said it is one thing to want to change and meet the need of the other spouse but what is going to really count is actually doing it and making it a habit.
We spoke about all the evidence and it doesn't mean much, she is going to find a time for me to meet both her friend and OM, which is really friends brother and wife. I am just glad we cleared it up.
As far as the abuse I feel like I have never been abusive but reading through the love busters I do remember she saying it's the way my tone is when I talk to her, makes her feel like I am yelling at her. I honestly don't know how I am going to change my tone but I am willing to do it to help save my marriage.
The other thing I learned today is that I don't provide enough support for her when she tells me about her issues at work. We both work very demanding jobs that take a toll but I am a fixer, I want to fix issues instead of just talking about it but she wants to be hear and comfort not being "told" how she should fix it. I will have to learn to stop fixing and just listen to her.
I feel so much better even though I know this is just the first step in the right direction for us. I keep wanting her home but like the counselor said it took years to inflict this pain, it will at least take months to resolve the issues. We both need to learn how to resolve our conflicts peacefully because we both bottle up feelings and then we explode at each ther. I will be here all the time learning and listening to Dr Harley's radio.
NOT GIVING UP!!!!

It does mean much, and I'm sorry that you are not willing to take it seriously. The fact that OM "is really friends brother and wife" (that does not make sense to me) does not mean that she is not having an affair with him.

You appear to believe that she is not having an affair because your wife told you so. You can be wilfully blind if you want to be. Nobody can force you to investigate properly, but I think you've got a nasty shock coming soon when she announces - via the friendly counsellor - that she wants to divorce you, and later on announces a "new" relationship with this "friend's brother".

Since your admission that you lied about spying on her phone, I don't know what I can believe of your story. You lied about that because you wanted us to rule out an affair and give you advice from another angle. Is this also true about her moving out of her friend's apartment? You never answered the puzzle about why a married couple would allow a friend and her toddler to move in when she has a marital home of her own, and they have a marriage and children of their own to protect - but now she is moving out. Did she ever really move in? Do you honestly know where she has been living?

In an early post, you told us that the affair was definitely over because OM had moved out of state. Did that really ever happen? Was it definitely an EA, as you described back then, or was it what you are describing now, a friendship with someone's brother? If he has moved out of state, is he going to take the time to come back and meet you? Why would he do that?

There are too many inconsistencies and unanswered questions in your story for me to make any sense of it.

Am I blind to believe her that she is not doing anything bad? She cried when she told me that in front of the counselor.
She said she was thinking about leaving because her friend and her has a discussion and the wife heard and was upset. They all live in the same apartment. As far as I know they all live there.
The EA was with another man and that has ended. The meeting is with her friend and her brother.

My XH did that too. The tears were self pity because I was forcing him to chose between his marriage and the fat slag.

I would do none of the above except hiring a PI and/or following her yourself. Texting the MO and meeting him etc is more conflict avoidance. This is a non starter until you get serious about getting the evidence.

And just who is foggy here?

You are wasting your time and our time with all these distractions. Let me know when you get serious here and I will get serious about helping you.

I truly don't know how long I can hold out. I really miss her. Coming home to an empty house all the time. It's sad when you get home from a long day work and you realize you are truly alone. All my friends have families they all go home to and I come home to an empty house. I feel like she can go home and be surrounded by her friends and I am left alone. Some days I wish I didn't have these feelings of missing her so much because I feel like she never misses me. I really feel like some days this is really how my life is going to be: all alone.
Why do I miss someone that doesn't seem to care about me at all? I try to strike up a conversation every time I see her and she barely answer me. How can we get better if I can't even communicate with her? It feels like she just doesn't want to be with me anymore.

Melody Please help!! Tonight I found out the truth. I have a friend who knows the OM and they confirm that they have been seeing each other. That she had moved in with him. This was the same person she had the emotional affair with. I am truly lost as what I need to do. I read the exposure 101 but I wonder if it will work for me? As my WW's parents both cheated on their spouse to be together I wonder if they will understand what their daughter is doing. I am just in shock as this was someone I love so much and she did this to me. Please help!!

I knew that she wasn't living with a married friend, and that's why I pushed you on this. You simply dismissed all my arguments.

I asked you about his moving out of state and you didn't answer that. That could not have been true if she moved in with him, so why did you say it? You lied about the spyware, too. As I asked before, how much of your original story was actually true?

How about starting again and telling us what you know? What is this man's marital and family status? What job does he do? Do you know where she and he have been living? Has she been living there with your kids? Did your kids ever mention him?

You've wasted such a lot of time telling us untruths to get us off the back of an affair, which was obvious to all who advised you here, and now this affair is more entrenched than it was 3 months ago. You could have found out who she was living with 3 months ago instead of telling us stories about her living with a married friend, her husband and her kids. Didn't your kids ever tell you who lived in the house where they visited their mother?

If you'd hired a PI instead of paying for the useless counselling you've been having you could have found out the truth in a day.

"We spoke about all the evidence and it doesn't mean much, she is going to find a time for me to meet both her friend and OM, which is really friends brother and wife. I am just glad we cleared it up." Was that true? Did your wife plan for you to meet OM?

"I have a friend who knows the OM and they confirm that they have been seeing each other. That she had moved in with him." If you have a friend who was able to tell you this yesterday, why didn't you ask the friend about this weeks ago? How is it that you did not know she was living with OM, if your friend knew this?

"This was the same person she had the emotional affair with.." So who is this friend's brother? What is going on with him? Are we talking about two separate men here, or the same person?

You need to end the counselling sessions, which have only served for her to get the counsellor on her side, telling you that you need to give her space and you have been abusive. You need to do what we said first, which is to fight the affair.

**edit**

Now everything is clicking into place and it might be too late with everything because she is turning everything on me. Starting from the beginning she met the OM at work where she is the manager, this was the EA, according to her. She came home and told me after getting in trouble with the law, that was her story but yesterday I found out OM left her work because people were starting to see their relationship at work. She told me that she stopped but they continued seeing each other hence her coming home late all the time and lack of desire to be sexual with me. I felt the shift in her but I never thought twice about it. It looks like the A started back in May. I also found out that the party she went to with her friend, she was actually with OM. That night that she came home from the party no wonder she didn't call me because she was probably with OM. She came home and I had asked that she can go and party as long as she comes home and be sexual with me, she didn't want to do anything. The next night she work she came home at 1230am, I questioned it and she flipped out. The next day she just went to her moms and came home and left saying that I was a terrible husband.
She has been gone for two months living with her "friend". I started to question more because my son said the OM name twice to me asking about him. He also stated that the OM and mommy hugs. I questioned her and she flipped out stating that this was why she left because of trust and that she was going to give me another chance but now she wont(classic WW responses). She kept denying it saying that OM was her friends brother and married with two kids. I was in denial until I found a friend who was friends with OM and asked if OM was married with kids. My friend found out that OM was not married he is dating a person from his precious work(place that my ww work) and they are living together for the last two months. So basically I was blind sided and didn't even know, she had painted a picture of a bad husband to everyone to make her feel better about what she is doing.
Right now I am lost as what I want to do. This person lied right to my face. Do I expose her and make this marriage work for my 3 year old son? Worst part is this scumbag has pictures of drugs, guns and alcohol all over his Facebook. People who have gone through this, what makes you want to keep the relationship?

So there is just one OM? The workplace friend and the friend's brother are the same person? What about your statement that he moved out of state?

I would expose the affair in addition to consulting a lawyer to get your son back. You have wasted a lot of time catering to your denial so I don't know if the marriage can be saved. But at the very least, you can strive to kill the affair and get your child out of harms way. I am really astonished it took you this long to figure out it was an affair especially when we have been telling you this for weeks. It was all right under your nose.

I would get your son and bring him home.

Please be clever enough to take screen shots of all this for use in getting your son. While you are at it, copy and paste all of his facebook contacts into a word doc for exposure purposes.