I would also expose the affair at her workplace to the director of Human resources and a key VP.

I told you this on the FIRST DAY and you dismissed me:


I hope that you will listen to the advice now.

Alrigth so I exposed her to parents, aunts and uncles and friends. The only other thing I think I did wrong was we were on a car ride coming home and she fell asleep so I open up her phone and found all the text messages. She was basically texting the OM as I was driving her while she was sick to see her mother. The day we spent together was good, we talked about the future and how we can improve things but yet she still screctly talk to him on her phone. When I found out what was going on she woke up and I said some pretty hurtful stuff that she said will never be undone. This was before I finish reading the guide to not say things like that. Other than that my sister who is protecting me said some very very hurtful things to her about being a whore and hoping she dies. Now WW said she was going to try but now she does not want to anymore because she cannot face my family again. Sounds like an excuse to me but I really want this relationship to work. She bascially told me its over and she is going to see a lawyer today. Not sure if she is really doing it or not but she will also see the counselor today. My main concern is if this is still worth it or not? I want to save it so much I am willing to scrafice everything to do it, but she seems like she is on the fence because she doesnt want to face my family? Is this something that can still be saved or have we gone too far the other way?
She has basically been living with OM for the last two months and she also told me she slept with him. I understand why she did it and can overlook some of the issues but it is hard to believe what she says now because she has bascially been lying to me the whole time about everything and was never going to confess.

Did you expose to the employer ?

The reason she says the marriage is over is because she is having an affair and living with OM - surely you can see that? She is entrenched in the affair and does not want to give it up and go back to you. Your job is to try and make her want that.

She never intended to come home and work on the marriage while she was lying to you about living with her married friend. People don't plan to give up their affairs and come home, but abandon that plan because the family finds out about the affair.

And think about it: Is she saying that it would never have come out that she is living with OM? That if you hadn't told your family they would never have found this out - that their grandson is living with his mother and her boyfriend? If that's what she is arguing then she is BSing you, and you shouldn't be listening to this and reposting it here. You need to focus on what is important, not the sewage that comes out of her mouth.

What was her family's reaction to your exposure? Did you ask for their help in saving your marriage and putting your son's family back together? Did they address that issue?

Have you confronted the man she is living with?

I have not confronted the OM about it yet. I also have not spoke with her mother on it because their view is that she made a mistake but supports her in her choice to do what she wants. It is hard to get their support to save the marriage. I have not expose her to work because the person no longer works there. He is working somewhere else.
Her parents both cheathed on their spouses to be together. I just feel like I am not getting the support from them on this. Can I save this on my own? I cannot get a full commitment from her and she is not willing to move back in to try to fix it. She wants to move into her own apartment and find out what she really wants. Sounds like total BS to me but what can I do? Allow her to do this or tell her its we solve it or we end it? This is the point where I am at right now.

She is also saying that she cannot live with me and see me and know that she has hurt me so much. I just feel like there is no end to her reasons for not coming back.

How do you know that the mother's view is to support her daughter in the affair, if you haven't spoken to her mother?

How did you expose to her mother - by letter, telephone or face-to-face? What did you say?

You seemed to be omitting something when you wrote "When I found out what was going on she woke up." How did she wake up?

Also, you seemed to be claiming that you verbally assaulted her in the car because you didn't know better. However, in previous posts, you told us that you read all of Dr. Harley's books, including Lovebusters, and you admitted that you needed to change the way you spoke to your wife. If you already read all of those books, how could you have not known better?

I didn't assault her in any way. Just letting her know how much it hurt and what she is doing to our family and our extended families. She told me to not contact her parents except for about our son.
I woke her up because we were in the car driving back home, I actually try to put the phone back but she woke up. I never exposed her to her parents, she called them herself. Sorry guys I am not the best at wording this. She said some of the things I said were hurtful, but all I did was explain my feelings and my thoughts on what the affair is doing to our family. And the impact of how it on our families.

The inconsistencies in your story are making it really hard to help you.

Earlier today you said

So how is this true?
This is not about being "the best at wording this". It's a simple matter telling the truth about what you have done and not saying what you think we want to hear. If you haven't taken the steps that we outline to you, how do you expect our advice to help? If you are not telling the truth about what you have done (spyware, exposure), then how do you think we can advise you of the next steps, if we are basing our advice on false information?

Let's start again. To whom have you personally exposed on her side? How did you expose - by letter, phone or face-to-face? What did you say? Did you ask for their help in talking to your wife and encouraging her to end her affair? What was their response?

Expose to her parents now! She spun that story that's why you don't have their support. You are omitting important steps, I was you last year and let me tell you that you need to follow all advice given here. Do not pick and choose it will be your downfall.

If you simply expressed your feelings regarding the affair and its impact on your families, why did she say that what you said was so hurtful, it "can never be undone"?

Also, you said that you spoke to her in a way that you shouldn't have, and you did it because you hadn't read the relevant Marriage Builders materials. I asked how that could be true, considering you'd already told us that you'd read all of Dr. Harley's books. You didn't answer my question. Would you please answer it?

And why did you tell us that you exposed to her parents, and then tell us you hadn't actually done that?

You wrote this:


and then you wrote this:


Which is true? Regardless, I do not believe that your wife exposed the true story to her parents, and I suspect the reason she told you "to not contact her parents except for about (your) son" is because she is afraid you will tell her parents the truth. That's why she is trying to dissuade you from talking to them.

It sounds like you HAVEN'T exposed to her parents and you HAVEN'T exposed to the workplace.

And you SHOULD for the most effective exposure.

I can't guarantee it'll save your marriage...but you need to save your wife here.

This is all going so fast and crazy. I didn't expose to her parents because she said she did it already. I expose to her aunt and uncles through Facebook, today they all responded with sorry and apologies and said even if it doesn't work out they will always keep in contact. I don't want to expose her to work. I feel like the exposure is ruining everything. She said it is hard for her to come back because she can't face my family or the people she knows. In my community it is frown upon and people will hate her. My sister expose her on Facebook causing a lot of hate mail for her and bad comments towards her. She will not want to work it out if everyone hates her.
Update: she came over today to ask for money to rent a hotel until Friday and she is moving into her own place. She said she is not going to contact OM anymore because she doesn't want to lose our son. She also want to do a legal separation before moving to divorce.
I am seriously confused about what to do, it seems this is not producing the results that it should be. Because right now it seems like it is pushing her farther away. Also today she went to the counselor on her own, tomorrow is my day, and she said she told the counselor everything. She said it is up to the counselor to see if we will work out. I am just lost as to how all this has moved so quick in this direction.
I know I should have took melody's advice first because she never stayed at her friends house, she always was at the OM.

TO,

Please take it from me...exposure does feel counter-intuitive. And it may even feel like it's 'not working'.

It does. It will.

Follow Melody's advice. Now.

Exposure...SAVE YOUR WIFE from this POS...establish EPs...chance at recovery.

re: "She said she is not going to contact OM anymore because she doesn't want to lose our son."

Whenever a wayward's lips move, they are in the act of telling a lie. If she is unaccounted for in a hotel room, she will be in contact with him.

re: "t seems this is not producing the results that it should be. Because right now it seems like it is pushing her farther away."

Well, exposure did not make the situation worse. Adultery did. And her reaction is textbook. Happens every time. Fear not. Now that you have shed the light of truth on her evil deed her fantasy has crumbled. That is why things are moving so fast, TO186. Congratulations, you have effected some change by exposing. If you wind up saving your marriage, you will be thankful you exposed. And what was the alternative? Sit back and watch your marriage die a thousand deaths? You've taken assertive action...finally. Consider that empowering.

You must never be fearful about what your doing when it is right.

-Rosa Parks

The advice your getting is good to go. So don't be scared, keep calm ad follow the advice. My son and I will say a prayer for you tonite.

Please tell me you did not give her money for a hotel. This is her problem to figure out.

She is manipulating you by using your son as a reason for NC with the other man. Plus the cake eating of a legal separation verses divorce.

In other words, you skipped the best advice you got AGAIN. We asked you to expose to her parents and you won't do it.


Feelings are not truth. You have no idea what you are doing and have made serious strategic mistakes throughout this ordeal. Your best thinking has destroyed your marriage. So, you can continue to ignore our advice, but be prepared to pay the price.

When you arrived, I felt you had a slim chance, if you followed our advice. I now view this as a hopeless situation. You have skipped over each and every opportunity to save your marriage. I told you on your first day here what the score was and you ignored me completely. The affair went on for such a long time withtout your interference that it just became more and more entrenched.

We cannot help you if you ignore the advice.


That is ridiculous. If she wants to work it out, nothing will stop her.


She is not going to end her affair. She might be moving into a new place so she can LOOK better in a legal action against you. So you would be stupid to finance that effort.


I would expose to her parents first. We have told you to do this and you ignored us. Expose the affair to the OM's family and friends like we have instructed. DO NOT GIVE YOUR WIFE ANY MONEY. Contact an attorney and file for divorce - not so you can get divorced - but so you can get primary custody of your child. Get your child and take him home.

More advice that has been ignored....