My husband and I have been working on the steps here and I feel we are making good progress. I need some advice on this topic that is special to my situation. After my oldest daughter was born I became hypothyroid. It took a long time to identify the issues, get treatment and get my meds adjusted...about 2 years. Some of the symptoms are lethargy, brain fog, depression, etc. It was very hard for me to meet basic everyday needs for my self and my daughter during that time never mind the emotional needs of my husband. Once I got well I was pregnant right away. That came with another 9 months of obstacles due to my hypothyroid and high risk pregnancy. After that I was feeling OK, meds adjusted well but taking care of the baby and my older child was taking a lot away from US. Things were going well and I was meeting some of his emotional needs especially domestic support. Last April my youngest daughter got sick, I spent the night in the hospital with her and she had to get a chest x-ray...I had to hold her because she was little and I forgot to ask for a neck cuff to protect my thyroid from the radiation...it may have completely killed my thyroid and everything went back down hill. I have been working with my DR to get the meds adjusted accordingly but it's slow going I'm all most back to where I should be and starting to feel better. It will likely be perfect in another 6-8 weeks. For the rest of my life there is always a chance I will go through time periods of adjustment with my meds sometimes it is very hard for me, especially if the meds are way out of whack to even function. I want to meet his emotional needs but physically when I'm doing all I can to simply get out of bed it's all most impossible for me to do all the things. I always work with my Dr, I'm always trying to make sure I am well but circumstances happen beyond my control. During these times our relationship suffers a great deal. I certainly don't want to be sick and I certainly don't want to neglect my husband but he has a hard time when my health is in a down turn supporting me because his emotional needs are not being met. How do we work around this? How do we work through this is my health changes again?

Sorry to hear you have hypothyroid issues. I also have hypothyroid issues. I have found over the years that the synthetic thyroid meds never helped me - Synthroid (T-4) or Cytomel (T-3). Compounded Armour from a local pharmacy didn't help me either. I have resorted to WestThroid or NatureThroid and they have evened out my symptoms and my TSH, Free T-4, and Free T-3.

The best information I have seen on thyroid conditions is from stopthethyroidmadness.com, and there is a book of the same title as the website. Are you sure it is only your thyroid that is causing the symptoms? Do you have a good doctor helping you?

I have fired 4 Dr's so far for refusing to increase meds with less than perfect labs results. The Dr I'm seeing is OK but I'm thinking of changing again. I need someone who is willing to run full panels and not just TSH. I have done tons of research on the topic and many Dr's tend to ignore a lot of the newest research. I recently got a recommendation of a endocrinologist who runs full panels and tries to stick to the natural meds. I recently switched from generic levothyroxine to name brand synthroid due to the meds giving me horrible headaches. When my thyroid is off my BP is off. Also the weight gain. I tried all summer to lose weight but I ended up gaining 3 lbs. The weight I've put on is causing me to fall in the pre-diabetic range. More than 1 endo said if I lost some weight I would likely fall out of the prediabetic range. I've been trying to move towards a more holistic natural life style for my health including changing my diet to a more whole foods and raw foods plan. I want to get a reverse osmosis system for our water to remove fluoride which is an issue for people with hypothyroidism. I've really been working hard on my health but is goes so slow. I'm afraid that switching over to natures thyroid will prolong me getting to a good place, it might be better for me but I maintain a TSH of 3 on levothyroxine before, I felt good at that time.

Hi MOTG.

I have thyroid issues too. I was on both Levo and Synthroid and they didn't work at all for me. My labs looked good, but I still felt like crap and had no energy.

I've been on NatureThroid for almost a year now and cannot recommend it highly enough. I feel so much better now that I am taking a natural thyroid replacement. I have more energy and have no issues with my weight. The only thing I still have trouble with is hair loss.

I would strongly encourage you to give natural thyroid replacement a try. The synthetic drugs generally only provide T4, under the assumption that the body will convert the T4 into T3, but for many hypothyroid patients, that simply doesn't happen. It really didn't take long at all for me to start feeling better after I switched to natural thyroid.

A TSH of 3 is actually quite high. I find that I feel best when my TSH remains around a 1, and that is what I generally aim for.

If you are on Facebook, check out the group "Thyroid Sexy." There is lots of great information on there and a place where people post the names of doctors they recommend. I know it can be difficult to find a good doctor, but keep looking until you do. I've had to change a number of times. It's important to be your own advocate with this illness. Many doctors are seriously behind the times when it comes to treating thyroid issues.

I love our R/O system. You can get one for under your kitchen sink that is much cheaper than a whole-house system.

The "stop the thyroid madness" lady has a list of doctors on her website that will work with you. It is very difficult to find a good doctor. I have seen 4 Endo's and they couldn't help me much, so I went back to my family care physician. I agree that most doctors don't stay up on the research. I will take my doc any new research because his wife also has thyroid issues.

Yes, you need to run all the labs because TSH alone won't show everything going on. You already know that good health isn't about your labs, it is also about how you feel. (But your doctor isn't thinking about that any more.) Keep at it until you find a good doctor. Ask your friends and neighbors for recommendations. A good doctor is worth his/her weight in gold because you will feel better and you will have a better outlook.

Are you sure it is just your thyroid and not sluggish adrenals?

I have been reading about adrenals lately but Haven't looked into it too much yet. My holistic Moms group recommended a Dr not to far from me so I may give her a call. I have found a TSH of 2-3 is Ok for me. TSH of 1 and I started getting hyper symptoms.

I had posted yesterday about my thyroid issue and how to maintain emotional needs when I have issues with my meds...I want to pose a different question. I'm trying to see a new DR and make a change in my meds switching from synthetic to a natural meds. I think there may be an adjustment period where the new meds will have to be tweaked. One of my husbands EN's is domestic support and that need isn't always met when I've had issues with my thyroid due to the condition. I want to help him/us have a plan in place to help him get through any period where I can't provide the domestic support he needs. Maybe we can ask for some help from family members so it's not all on him during that time. I'm not sure what else we can do. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

MOTG, it is such a small need that I would not worry too much about it. You can POJA it with him and make arrangements to hire a cleaning lady or get family help.

The larger concern would be meeting his INTIMATE emotional needs, the EN's that are the foundation of romantic love. How are you doing with undivided attention time, where you meet each others needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment? That should be your main focus while you recover your marriage.

Also, can you please stick to your initial thread and have the mods combine all your threads? It is hard to give you advice and follow your story if you have multiple threads.

Should I just link the other thread her? Sorry the thread fell dead so I thought a new one with new question would help.

We are working on getting up to at least 15 hours undivided attention time. A few things are causing issues.

My toddler is refusing to go to sleep...for months now she has went to sleep at 8:30 now all of a sudden she is fighting sleep hard. My husband works early in the morning at 5 am and doesn't get home until 5 pm or so at night. so asking him to stay up too late is hard all though he stayed up until 11 PM with me last night. I suggested this morning I can get up when he gets up in the morning at 4 am and help him with breakfast and hang out until he leaves...he didn't want to make me do it but said it good if I want to do it.

affection is going tremendously well. He has really stepped up there and I have reciprocated.


His biggest issue through my illness has been domestic support though which is why I went to this place. It causes him great stress if he has to come home from working a long day and do things I was unable to because I was too tired.


Previous thread: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2770348#Post2770348


conversation is getting better. He tells me about his day and things that he is interested in. I've been listening and trying to appreciate what he is saying even if it's not something I care too much about. He's has been listening to me but I haven't brought any of my personal topics of interest that he has shunned before because I have been working so hard with the steps here and reading.

recreational companionship...a work on progress. Money is tight but I have been working on some things for us to do together and sharing the information. With him working so much it's hard for him to research but he does want me to go to the movies with him and that was his plan for RC so he is putting in effort.

I think sexual fulfillment is fine...it was actually an issue I had more than him. His deal was that he is tired from work but he has made an effort to meet my needs there.

I don't now why when I edited it jumped my link into the middle.

MOTG, I would plan your UA time out of the house at a time when you both have the most energy. 4 - 4 hour dates would get you there. I would use the worksheet and start making plans with him. (in the questionaire section) UA time after 10pm is pretty useless because you are both exhausted and it can hardly be considered a date. UA time at home is very ineffective when you are not in love because it is too easy to get distracted by just about anything. And who feels romantic when you are sitting on the couch with your sweats on without makeup?

UA should be spent on DATES out of the house in 2-4 hour blocks.

I can understand that DS is important to him and I agree it would be a lovebuster to not o it. But it is not key to the romantic love in our marriage because it is not an intimate emotional need. He did not fall in love with you because of DS in other words.

I would take movies off the list entirely, because it is not UA time. Have you read the MB material about undivided attention?

Yes I have read the MB material about UA. We can likely get one night a week out of the house but we have two children. We are currently financially strained. I babysit a little boy during the day to make some money but his Mom got really sick and was in the hospital...I lost a lot of pay over the summer and our saving dwindled because of it....now we are scraping by. The cost for a sitter and even for a date out of the house is hard to come by right now. If I were to put both children in day care and work full time we'd make less money than we are making now...it's really a crappy situation. I have a couple friends who have me in mind for child care which would make money issues reasonable again and we could start saving again. He wanted to see a movie with me and I don't want to shoot down his efforts completely. I have been looking into some activities we can do at home or inexpensively. I also have been trying to make sure I'm dressed and hair and make is done even if I'm just staying at home with the kids.

I'm also looking into a childcare swap with a friends and maybe her and I can take part time jobs during the day to keep my nights open. I logistics are difficult though. the only days I don't babysit each week right now rotate so coordination is an issue.

I would take a more proactive approach and see if you can join a coop or exchange babysitting with other couples. Do you have any family close by who can help? You really need to find a way to make this work. And please do not squander your meager UA time on movies.

My in laws will babysit on one Weekend evening like Friday or Saturday sometimes my sister will baby sit but she got a stomach virus from my kids and has been really bent out of shape about it. My mother will never babysit for us so that's not even an option. I do have a coupe friends who would swap with me childcare with me but that could also cut into our limited time/schedule. He also works 2 night at a second job Tuesday and Sunday. I could babysit those nights and not mess with our time too much but who the heck wants to go out on Tuesday or Sunday nights...not making excuses just trying to figure it out I guess.

I like how you are working on ideas for UA time!

I have a sister that intentionally schedules a date night on Tuesdays because the restaurants are less busy. She says it gives them more time to enjoy each others' company. You could use this point of view to "sell" the idea to babysit someone else's kids on a Tuesday night.

I have also been working on some games we can play together. That is something we used to do before we had kids. Which would be something we could do at home together after the kids are in bed. At this point 4 nights out is going to be a lot but if we take baby steps maybe we can work towards it.

Motg, I would stay focused on taking GIANT STEPS towards making lifestyle changes that will make a difference. You will find that UA time spent at home tends to be lousy and ineffective when you are not in love. If you want to make this work, I would stay focused on getting out on dates.

I understand you mean well here but we can't just pull money out of thin air. That is what it boils down to even if I can manage to get free child care I can hardly justify eating out 4 times a week or spending money like that. There has to be some compromise financially right now. Letting our house go and renting may be the only way to come up with $200 a week for date nights. Even if we forgo our plans to homeschool and send my older daughter to K next year I still have a 2 year old. I'd still have to work around school schedules including weeks off and all that. This is stressing me out completely. Also my kids hardly see their father as it is. They cry sometimes when he goes to work. I am trying to put our marriage in a position of importance but they are important too. I can't just switch off the children and their needs and their love for their father I'm just at a loss.

MOTG, we don't spend 200 a week on eating out so I don't know why you would. I would look for creative low cost ways to get your UA time out of the house if you want to benefit from this program. The program does not work without this step.

And I do understand that your children are important which is why getting in 15-20 hours of UA time is so critical. The best thing for your children is to have parents that are in a happy, intact marriage.

Keep in mind, you don't have to do any of these steps, I just want you to be aware of what works and what doesn't work.