Now that it's 15 degrees out there isn't much to do around here but go to the bar eat or go to the movies. We were walking together once a week during the warmer months but it's just not going to be comfortable right now in the snow. Obviously the beach is out and all the outside things we like to do together. We can probably drive through the park and see the holiday lights for about 10 minutes....any other suggestions would be helpful because I'm running out of ideas.

How about snowshoeing or x-country skiing? (This is winter hiking/walking for us northerners...)

I honesty don't know how to ski...maybe ice skating.


I re-read all the information about UA and I don't see how it is expected to only be dates and only be out if the house? There is specific mention in one part about kids being asleep. It does mention a few hours a day which I can work out but not all out of the house. Any other people with small children who can give examples on how you schedule your UA?

I think Dr Harley is writing some new articles about the difference between UA time spent at home versus going out because UA time spent at home by couples who are not in love is largely useless. Dr Harley and Joyce don't even count UA time at home for this reason. Neither do my husband and I. It is useless to us. I do know about 2 couples who can successfully do UA time at home but they are in love.

Once again, there are NO expectations at all. You are not expected to do anything. But...if you want to be in love you need to be going out on dates out of the home for a specific amount of time. It takes 15 hours to maintain romantic love and 20-25 hours to create.

"My toddler is refusing to go to sleep...for months now she has went to sleep at 8:30 now all of a sudden she is fighting sleep hard. My husband works early in the morning at 5 am and doesn't get home until 5 pm or so at night. so asking him to stay up too late is hard all though he stayed up until 11 PM with me last night. I suggested this morning I can get up when he gets up in the morning at 4 am and help him with breakfast and hang out until he leaves...he didn't want to make me do it but said it good if I want to do it. "

See, this is not really UA time. It is extremely hard to be romantic and attentive at 4am or at 11pm when one is exhausted. Just being in the same room and alive is not UA time.

Well she obviously needs to go to bed on time but getting childcare 4 nights a week is giving up just about all the time he has at all with his children. So he'll see them for a few hours on Saturday Morning and a coupe hours on Sunday morning? Yes us staying together is important to our children but you can't just ship your children off to get raised by the inlaws and just get visitation with our children. I'm not saying that all out time has to be spent with them but he wants/needs time with them and they want/need time with him too. I get time with them because I'm home with them during the day. poster find solutions rather than creating debates.

In addition to the 15 hours UA time, you need to be scheduling 15 hours of family commitment time. No, you don't just ship your kids off to be raised by the inlaws. No one has suggested that.

I'll tell you a story. One of my really good friends had the same job and same schedule as me. His wife had the same schedule and responsibities as my wife. She woke up with him every morning, chatted with him and packed his lunch. My wife slept in and I spent my mornings alone.

The fact that you thought to use this time speakes volumes of you. He (like me) would never ask you to do it, but if you can...you should. I bet he would love it. It isn't UA time but from a man's perspective...it really shows care.

Ok so this is the available time give or take sometimes it changes a little. Mon about 5pm to 10pm, Wed 5pm to 10 pm Thurs 5pm to 10pm, Friday 5pm to 11pm, Sat 8 am to 11pm, sun 8am to 3pm. So I calculate a total of 43 hours that we have. 10 pm is really the latest during the week because he does get up so early. Now we have to figure we have to grocery shop, we have obligations sometimes (like my SIL engagement party, family holidays, etc) home maintenance. I can do some of those things alone with my kids but I can't do some things like fix a toilet that he can do. Now we have to figure the kids have to go to bed at lets say 8pm. so that cuts down the time for family. So if I don't split that time he will only see kids on the weekend?

Thank you MindMonkey

Is it any wonder that your marriage is a wreck when it is the LOWEST PRIORITY in your life? Even grocery shopping and your SIL take priority over your marriage! Do you realize this? How does your husband manage to find the time to go to work?

Your marriage is much more important than anything you mentioned above. It is the basis for your children's security and happiness so it has to go to the top of the list. Everything else comes NEXT.

The first thing you should do is schedule your UA time and THEN schedule time for the less important things you mentioned above. If you have 43 free hours, then you have 23 free hours to spend with your kids, grocery shop and less important "obligations" like family holidays, SIL engagement party. If your husband can find time to go to work and you can find time to grocery shop, then you can find time for your marriage if you will just change your priorities.


Caring for Children Means Caring for Each Other

I'm not saying those things are more important but are things that are sooo expected of us. My husband had to take the day off from work at his second job to go to the engagement party. We lost money, money we needed to do that but the backlash of our family avoiding that would have been great. His sister is an important person in his life and I felt like we could not refuse to do that. It was highly inconvenient for us and a 45 minute drive from where we live but his aunt and uncle and cousins showed up there. We would have felt bad not going. The backlash would have caused some sort of stress or rift that we would then have had to deal with.


I don't know a person with children who has childcare 4 nights/days a week outside of work. Not one no matter the state of their marriage.

Yes I want to commit time to my husband but it can't be 4 out of the house alone dates...we simply don't have the money or man power to do it. If there are some people who can have successful UA time at home then other people can too.


I understand that the time is important but in the real world outside of this group people don't send their kids away 4 nights a week.

Isn't it is interesting how you can find time for that, but you can't find time for your marriage? Can you imagine what your marriage would be like if you gave it the same importance? If you gave it the same importance, you could easily find time for your marriage.



I understand that the time is important but in the real world outside of this group people don't send their kids away 4 nights a week. [/quote]

In the real world, this is what people do who want to restore the romantic love to their marriage. This is what all of us did, and that is what Dr Harley and Joyce did when they had little kids. But again, you don't HAVE to do anything! It is all voluntary. If you want to have a romantic marriage, this is what you should do.... If you don't, then you won't have a romantic marriage. I just want to make sure you understand what it takes to create it.

MOTG, I want to reiterate that you do not have to do a single solitary step in this program. It is fine by me!! I have a romantic marriage but I would never dream of forcing someone else to do the same. This is entirely voluntary.

I will just tell you a few pertinent facts:

1. couples that spend less than 15 hours per week meeting each others intimate emotional needs fall out of love

2. when a spouse has an affair, they have usually fallen out of love

3. this program does not work without this step - when Dr Harley was in active practice, he refused to take on any client who wouldn't do this step because he knew they would not succeed

Does this sound familiar?

here

And the majority of those marriages are unhappy.

We are in a good spot. A 15 year old daughter pretty much means babysitter. But the previous years where we didn't have a ready made sitter, we didn't go out much. If I were to make a list of things I would do differently, going out more would be pretty high on that list. Money comes and goes, but the time you get to build your marriage pretty much just goes.

***EDIT***

I' not saying that we don't plan to go out at all because for the past 3 weeks we have planned one night out a week alone together with out the kids. We have never asked family for that much help with the kids before and we are all ready getting a little push back and sighs when confirming they are going to take the girls.

For my children dropping them off and picking them up at 10pm sucks for obvious reasons and our family support prefers to babysit in their own homes.

Another poster had put up some really neat date night suggestions in another thread but according to this more than half of those are not valid because they are meant to do at home.

Any of the suggestions of date nights I received here require more money then we can currently invest. Money is a big issue here and while it comes and goes we still have to pay bills and keep a roof over our heads. For instance someone suggested cross country skiing, it at least $50 a person for rental of equipment and use of the ski area.

I saw another poster talking about commute time as UA and doing dishes together... I don't consider doing chores UA time but I think quality tie can be spent at home when the kids are in bed...I don't think it's impossible.

Last night my husband was late home from work because of inventory. He ate dinner and we tried out a demo of a new game we could play together. We talked, we laughed, we had physical contact, the kids went to bed on time and we were alone. It counted for something. He thanked me for the things I did for him today. I told him about this thread and we talked about it.


I did ask previously and nobody really answered but any others with small children how do you get you UA? Do you have a sitter you pay? a live in nanny? Do you plan things when the kids are asleep? What do you do in reality? Has it been working?

We have a 14 month old and an autistic 3.5 year old

My elderly FIL lives with us, we asked him to move in just for this reason.

We are BROKE. As broke as broke gets right now, as our son's autism therapy is $50-100/hour at 20 hours a week, the math is horrific.

We make a coffee at home, put it in travel mugs, and go for walks mostly. We go "shopping" without buying anything. We work out. Sex is free. We do 12-15 hours, it's quite difficult I fully admit that, although we are not dealing with marital problems/affairs, we don't need the 20-25 hours either (not that I would mind!!!)

We've put a plan in place to move away (with FIL coming) so that I can get a job and have extra money for more time out.

I have to admit I don't recall the last time we went out to a social event or hubby stayed at work late, because we put our UA time first.

Correct, most real-life couples with children do not make time for a date, let alone three or four. I know girls on a baby forum who laugh about not having a date in 3-4 YEARS.

Quite frankly, their marriages are also quite pathetic too!

I live near quite a few elderly couples who are still deeply in love. They are all the same - out & about holding hands, laughing, and dating, even well into their 80s. I saw my own grandparents the same way. My own mother used to joke that her parents had six kids yet were always out alone together, and they made it until death did them part. What a great example!

At certain time of the year staying late is not really an option for my husband. They also give no notice. There are some benefits to his job, they cover all of our health insurance and can be flexible at times like when we needed to rush my daughter to the Dr and then to the children's hospital or when I was pregnant and needed weekly ultrasounds and needed his help with my older daughter. This week was pretty crappy because after he went back to work from lunch on Wednesday they said oh we have to prepare for inventory and you have to stay until 7 because we are cancelling 5am shift for the rest of the week. He has talked to them about throwing last minute schedule changes on him before especially when I was working at night it was a big deal if I wanted to keep my job. He actually fought to keep 5am shift even a thing there in order for us to have family time at night other wise he wouldn't be getting home until 7-8 pm.


It's nice you have you FIL but my MIL goes out with her friends all the time, sometimes with her husband (they are an anomaly and I will not base any validity or example of marriage on them) They both still work during the day too. My mother still works but we don't care to much for each other due to many many issues over my entire life. y mother works full time 3rd shift and watches my niece during the day for my sister so she'd be toooo tired for us any way. I have a friend that I can swap childcare with for maybe one night a week. My sisters may do a night every couple weeks so I can guarantee one to 2 nights of child care a week. I could likely make an outing on Saturday for longer than 4 hours....HAHA yes sex is free and we do that when the kids are sleeping.