Hi I had a thread on MB years ago and again recently under a different name. I don't know if anyone will remember me but I went through my wife having an affair, "recovery" for about 7 years and then she had another affair and left me for the other man. We are divorced now and we share 50-50 custody and I am not bankrupt thank goodness.

I thought I was following MB principles and I feel that I did everything I could to keep things together. At some point it was so far gone (her going out on dates right in front of the family) that I asked her to leave. She filed after that and the process took about 6 months.

I thought I was doing ok handling this. My mood and outlook has slowly improved over the months and I'm able to concentrate at work and things like that but sometimes the reality of everything really hits me. My kids being over there with this man who I've only even seen once in my life just makes me feel sick. Her moving on apparently happily without me and forming a new "family" is hard to accept.

Tonight I called my son and I heard this person say hi to him through the phone and it just hit me again. Feeling pretty crappy right now. I need someone to talk to about this but I'm wearing my friends and relatives out so I try not to do it so much any more.

I am frequently battling negative thoughts about myself. I try to replace them with positives but there is always this reality that I've been dumped. All 19 yrs, memories, family, everything, dumped for someone else.

I know feeling sorry for myself is a waste of time but it just feels bad tonight.

I'm sorry for your pain

Dr Harley would probably encourage you to have no contact with your ex wife.
Are you in contact with her?

I try to keep it to just txts or emails regarding the kids. She did call this morning and I answered the phone.

I'm sorry for your pain.

Can you get into your doctor for ADs and/or anxiety-meds?

Can you get an IM so you don't have to talk with her at all? You need to heal and constantly talking with her will hinder your healing.

Block her from your phone and texts.
Use an email Intermediary.
I can do this for you if needed

I think we as humans tend to torture ourselves and imagine things like " they are happy and everyone playing happy families ". Chances are this is not true. Even if they are ahppy at the moment , they wont be in time. Relationship built on lies and deceit are never forever and if by some chance they are, then they are together for wrong reasons. Co dependency etc.
As for your children , there world is upside down and as they have probably been raised to be polite and respectful, they are never going to show anything but that to the intruder. You are their father and always will be, most likely reading your track record, there is going to be many men in their lives, they soon will get real sick of that. You job is to make sure they are safe. Your wifes behaviour would indicate that she does not much put there best interests first. They need a focused dad.

I found an excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley of why it's a good idea to go into Plan B after divorce. Tell me what you think.
Radio clip on Plan B after Divorce at 5:25 mark

You make good points toni. I try to always present a positive outlook to the kids and I try to be there for them any way I can. I'm very glad that I get a full 50%, I would hate to only get to visit them every other weekend like some parents get. I have a lot to be thankful for.

It makes sense. I do tend to feel bad after we communicate but that has been affecting me less over time. She isn't critical. She is nice and she wants everything to be "normal".

Personally, I felt much better after going no contact with my ex wife

Well WW divorced you. So things can not be normal. Tell her that. Then this is why you are going NC with her. Tell her that she has to go through your IM from now on. Better yet. have the IM tell her all of this.

NormalGuy,

What you are going through is normal, but it sure doesn't feel normal does it?

It does get better over time. It absolutely killed me to see my X with her boyfriend after the divorce (and she had several since) but now, I don't think much of it. In fact, her current boyfriend seems like a decent guy and he is good to my kids.

Concentrate on you and not her. Go to the gym, take walks, go see a movie, read a good book, volunteer for something, focus on work. Pour yourself in positive things because good things will come from the effort. The more independent that you become, the stronger you will be.

Keith

I have been in a "Plan B" for years from my XH and it has been amazing! Dr Harley recommended the same thing to divorced father in your situation on the radio. The father was very distressed at having to see the OM when he dropped his kids off and it was affecting his mental health. Dr Harley told him to go dark and get an intermediary to exchange communication and do drop offs. You would feel 100% better if you did this.

Do your kids know the truth?

I'm sorry you are going through this. Affairs suck.

That is a wayward's dream...that they can destroy their family and everyone will come out just fine and happy. It is a fantasy and you do not have to play along with that charade to be a good father.

Boy that sure is the truth!!!! My WW told me that she wanted to be best friends after the divorce (all the while she was sleeping with another man)!!!!

This is what I have been doing for the most part. I think the other night was another one of those "firsts". Like the first time you have to leave the kids with them or the first night alone, etc. Overhearing him there while talking to my son just kind took my by surprise. There is more I can do though so thanks for that comment. I will re-focus!

That does sound good. I have been minimizing contact and it has helped a lot.

Can you get an IM?