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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Sep 2012
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Good information I learned a lot from it. Good luck Cars
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Joined: Dec 2011
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Cars,
Did your wife listen to the call? If not, I think it will help you if she does.
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Joined: Nov 2013
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Sorry I haven't been here to respond, after the show my wife's grandfather died and we have been out of town dealing with that.
The perspectives shared here are very interesting, give me great insight into what I am dealing with.
First, my wife hasn't listened to the show. We talked about it, talked about what Dr Harley said about her, her state of mind and what he believes needs to happen. Her responses were honest, I believe. She has been completely honest with me since exposure, and has kept all of the commitments she has made. She disagrees when we talked about how she views romantic relationships, disagrees that she doesn't understand the depth of the hurt she has caused. She still diagrees that facebook has to go but it's going in two weeks anyway, along with internet access and she's ok with that.
SuzieQ- We were in a false recovery for 3 years. This affair showed both of us that. From the second day after exposure she and I agreed that we didn't fix what was wrong with our marriage the last time she cheated and neither of us wants that again.
Today is our first marriage counseling session. The counselor is familiar with MB and knows all about my wife. We will see what kind of progress we can make...
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Joined: Sep 2012
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If she isn't willing to listen to a radio show your headed to a FR. Personally, I would be making plans to protect yourself as many said another affair will happen in your future if nothing changes. If she is a housewife why couldn't she be on the show?
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,439 Likes: 4
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Will she write Dr. Harley? The Harleys are always welcoming to hear from both sides to get their perspectives.
Is she, at very least, willing to do this?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Joined: Oct 2012
Posts: 707
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On Nov. 30, your wife admitted to her most recent affair. About 2 weeks later, you wrote: I'm going to get her to shut off facebook. I'm going to get her in to the MB program. I'm going to continue to protect my kids. I understand that if any of this can't happen, I will be a single dad with three girls to raise and their mom will be a drunken whore forever- not judging, that's just a fact. It has now been a solid month since D day, and you still haven't gotten her to shut off Facebook, and you still haven't gotten her into the MB program. Surely, you realize that you are in another false recovery. At least you understand where this is going...
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Joined: Dec 2011
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Look at this way. If your son or daughter were a two-time recovering alcoholic and was offered a promising job at a really swanky mid town bar, what would you advise?
As Dr. Harley kept saying in the show, you're in a really tough spot. But he also unequivocally stated that he sees another affair in your future. Brace yourself...
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Joined: Nov 2013
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I don't think we're in a false recovery. We're not in recovery yet. I am working towards recovery, she is working towards recovery but so far all we've done is stop the affair and talk about recovering and moving forward. Guess I should give credit where credit is due- there are some boundaries in place where there were none before and there is some willingness to meet emotional needs that wasn't there for the last 3 years(baby steps).
There will have to be a willingness to change some things in her life to protect our marriage and make amends before we can start recovering.
You're right, jessicaclaire, it's been a month since D day. The fog is just starting to lift. I'm not comfortable with where we are and we still have to get away from facebook and into MB. If things went according to plan, we would already be there.
Keep working plan A...
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
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I don't think we're in a false recovery. We're not in recovery yet. I am working towards recovery, she is working towards recovery but so far all we've done is stop the affair and talk about recovering and moving forward. Guess I should give credit where credit is due- there are some boundaries in place where there were none before and there is some willingness to meet emotional needs that wasn't there for the last 3 years(baby steps).
There will have to be a willingness to change some things in her life to protect our marriage and make amends before we can start recovering.
You're right, jessicaclaire, it's been a month since D day. The fog is just starting to lift. I'm not comfortable with where we are and we still have to get away from facebook and into MB. If things went according to plan, we would already be there.
Keep working plan A... cars, take that woman out on a date! What are you doing daily to make massive love bank deposits? The degree to which she cares about your complaints will be heavily dependent on your balance in her love bank. My wife's willingness to engage me in recovery after her facebook affair was also very similarly dependent. She didn't just automatically start doing all the right things and responding to my complaints out of a feeling that she owed it to me. I had to win her back, which required a lot of tuning to my approach as a husband, and a lot of long persistence (and a few months on antidepressants).
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Nov 2013
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markos, we are spending about 40 hours a week together now. I am doing the laundry, which is the #1 thing she hates doing at home. We have gone out to dinner together at least 3 nights a week for the last month, some days we talk for 5-6 hours on the phone, other days she hangs out with me at my office for the same amount of time. According to her, she is completely happy with me, doesn't want me to change anything and her actions are starting to show it.
There has been a lot of attention on our move. We are two weeks away from moving, so the pressure is on to pack our house and get everything situated at the new house. This is an end for facebook, as our new jointly-agreed upon budget doesn't include internet access at home and internet on the phones went away on the 1st. Stress is something the wife can't handle, so I've been able to listen while she vents over her body aches and how tired it makes her, etc.
My wife's been on antidepressants for 6 years, has a dr appt in a couple of weeks to look at adjusting dosage.
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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 7,362 Likes: 3
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Dr. Harley told you in segment D to get her to agree to read SAA. Will she agree to read SAA?
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Joined: Nov 2013
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She agreed to read Dr Harley's book. At the time, all I had was HNHN, now have both and she doesn't know which is which. She will read SAA but it won't be until after the move.
Our counselor is also familiar with Dr Harley's work and she is gently pushing my wife toward the program.
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Joined: Mar 2010
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She agreed to read Dr Harley's book. This is GOOD.
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Joined: Jun 2012
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When we are facing a stressful family time like during the holidays or when a big event is coming up (like moving), one of the best things my husband has done is to takers me out somewhere to discuss a plan for the upcoming event or project. This reduces my stress quite a bit because it gives us the opportunity to negotiate and eliminate most differences of opinion. This definitely puts in love units and reduces my stress. it also helps me that feel like our relationship is still a priority. There always going to be things that threaten UA time.
When the project is over, I have a happy memory of a the big accomplishment, instead of a memory of us arguing over things we could have considered prior.
We actually bring a notebook and necklace and it retained a copy so that we can father what we agreed to.
I'm not sure if this would actually help your wife or bother her more. But it's just a suggestion.
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Joined: Nov 2013
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7 days to moving, still working towards the goal of eliminating facebook and starting to work through SAA.
Good news is she is starting to become empathetic to my perspective. Facebook isn't gone yet but she has almost stopped using it, and she has expressed an understanding of why I want it gone without attacking me over it. Of course, that's not enough but it is progress.
She is also trying to meet my emotional needs, putting effort into making me feel secure and starting to adjust the way she listens to and cares for me. We even had a conversation about the most important emotional needs. I found out she can't identify hers and knows exactly what mine are.
I've been working on empathy for her, realized I have none, never did, and that has to be frustrating for her(see, I practiced empathy lol)
With the move a week away, we have been discussing the kids and their school. Trying to do things in the best interest of our kids, as well as the best interest of our road to recovery, we have been weighing whether to let them finish out the school year at their current school or move them for the last 3 months.
Option A- Move schools. Initially, this was our first choice. The current school is the same school the OM's kids go to and in keeping with the "no contact" policy we have in place, it seemed like the only option. Unfortunately, this option is very upsetting to my two youngest girls and makes it hard to force them to move. This is also something both my wife and I went through several times growing up and both have bad memories of it.
Option B- Stay in the current school. Obviously, this looks like a bad choice. But with a little different routine, we can avoid contact- to stay in the current school, I would have to take the kids to school in the morning, avoiding a chance meeting there with the OM by the wife. In the afternoons, we would have to use the after school care for an hour which we believe would avoid any chance contact. This is what our kids want and we want kids with as few scars as possible without jeopardizing our relationship.
Our new house is far enough away to avoid the OM but close enough that this can be a choice instead of made for us. Has anyone else been in this situation?
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Joined: Apr 2001
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It might be uncomfortable for your kids initially, but it is in their best interest to leave their school and get the whole family away from the OM while you still have a marriage. It is not in their best interest for you to prolong that risk. Be sensible and get your whole family out of there ASAP.
Of course it is upsetting to them. But you don't place their security at risk because they are "upset."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Sorry to hear there is absolutely no progress on your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
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You are always "working towards" goals, which is not the same as achieving goals. It is smoke.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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