Answer to this question: depression is a situation where you cannot see a solution to your problems. If you are feeling like all hope is lost, that is exactly how you are feeling. You are feeling depressed.

Antidepressants are medications that help with this condition. They help even out the emotional highs and lows and help keep you thinking rationally. They enable you to see the solutions to your problems that you are missing.

If you are feeling like all hope is lost - see your doctor and ask him to prescribe antidepressants for you short term. Tell your doctor you are depressed about your marriage and having trouble making things work and need a little help keeping yourself on an even keel while you do what needs to be done to turn your marriage around. This is exactly what I did. I was on antidepressants for about three months, and it was just the thing to keep my momentum going when I felt all hope was lost. Worked perfectly.

It may take a couple of back and forths with your doctor to get the right dosage and possibly the right medication. It did not in my case.

Depression prevents you from seeing solutions to your problems. Even when people present the solution to your problem you dismiss it out of hand, throw up your hands, and proclaim that there are no solutions and the situation is hopeless. But a typical outside observer can see that there is a solution and the situation is not hopeless.

For most of the problems men report on this site, the solution is found in Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts in the model of the Love Bank - typically the main problem is that the husband's wife is not in love with him. The solution is for him to learn to make massive love bank deposits every single day for the rest of his life and to completely avoid love bank withdrawals. Usually for most of us guys these love bank withdrawals are very instinctive - especially if we are very emotional guys. (I AM!!!) They come like second nature and so we do them all the time and we DON'T EVEN KNOW that we are being demanding, disrespectful, or angry. We think we are doing everything right and think there is something wrong with our wife because she is in the state of withdrawal and won't communicate with us, and we are pretty sure we didn't do anything to cause it and she is just weird or unreasonable.

You have got to learn to recognize your own love busters, and you may have to do it without any feedback from your wife so you may need help here or from the Marriage Builders coaching center learning to identify them. And you may have to do all of this while your wife is completely unmotivated to eliminate her own love busters - frequently she won't see any point to doing that because of yours. That can be very unmotivating. Get the antidepressants and get the help you need to be trained and coached to fill your wife's love bank, and then you will never have this problem again for the rest of your life.

Listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show every single day. Dr. Harley will help keep you motivated and will also help educate you on the millions of things you are missing. He did for me and now my wife who previously couldn't talk to me without sounding like she wished I were gone from her life forever is sitting here acting affectionate to me and is in love with me and wouldn't do anything in the world to hurt me.

Thankfully, I won't need them. I snap out of a funk pretty quickly. Elaina is an amazing woman and despite me having hurt her is very sweet and supportive of me working on being the best husband I can be.

Okay then the answer to the question you asked ("On those days when I feel like all hope is lost, what's the next step to keep the momentum up?") is snap out of your funk quickly, and protect your wife from demands, disrespect, and anger while you are in it.

If you fail to protect your wife from demands, disrespect, or anger, then please go back and actually read what I wrote.

Did you listen to the radio show, yet?

No, not yet. I have read H.T.O.a.A.M., Basics, Policy of Undv Att.

Daily update:
Got home around 6, just enough time to hug everybody and see DW out the door with DS on his way to Wed youth group (hugs and kisses). Watched over 8yo SD and her friend while I fed, then played with my baby girl while watching the other two. DW came back at 7, then we all visited and gutted pumpkins until 8pm when DW left to go get DS. I washed dishes for 20 minutes; my back muscles were in fierce levels of pain from being tense all day (and my feet were KILLING me), so I went to lie down for a spell and visited with baby girl. DW came home around 8:45ish and we all had a good time carving jack-o-lanterns. Lots of fun, laughter and playing involved on all parties.

8y.o. SD is really warming up to me since starting this thread, I�m VERY happy to see a lot of improvement in that area. She is the type that needs people to bring attention to her instead of her seeking it out from them, so I have been working on improving in that area. Not much time left for DW and I to have a lot of one-on-one, but what we did was extremely pleasant and encouraging, no barriers to affection which is a huge plus. More to come; Thanks for the prayers!

I will keep praying, Ernie. Keep reading, start listening, and put it all into practice.

It will be hard when you become emotional. You are going to need to give yourself a LOT of education to nourish your logical side so that logic will overcome your emotions when you become emotional. Otherwise you will make love bank withdrawals instead of deposits - and you can't afford any more withdrawals.

Listen to that radio show! If you sign up for the archives you can download MP3s and take them into work. And/or listen on the way.

I will post my replies only in this thread.

Quick update: Stepdaughter has been to a mental health hospital because she has borderline disorder; or at least what is considered for a child to have. Elaina has told me her ex husband has been diagnosed by three doctors as having borderline disorder. It is assumed to be genetic in 8 year old stepdaughter. If you read about the disorder, you will have some idea of what it is like to be a stepfather in this situation to a child like that, but you will never know the true suffering and agony unless you are living in that situation.


I know this is a week old... a few nights ago we stayed up until 2 AM and had a very nice talk with RH and Elaina was very appreciative afterwards. I DESIRE GREATLY to have these talks, but they seldom happen before 11PM and that is very hard on me with my "work schedule/body clock" interfering with my difficulty in staying awake.


I do NOT hate her at all, that is a lie. I will freely admit that living with her is extremely difficult. This is a girl that says nothing nice.... ever. I really do mean never. She is not even nice to Elaina, and that fact is VERY hard on her as well.


Hmmm... we discuss her at great length and very frequently, so I am very confused by this statement. She has been the main topic of discussion for hours on end, which really is not good UA time.




This has been true in the past, but in the present tense is not correct.



Having a daughter in a hospital an hour away is a stressful time for both of us. it is difficult to manufacture joy and happiness in times like that. The best I can muster is to be calm and caring, and that's all I can offer at those times. Romance isn't exactly on the radar, but caring for my wife in times of pain like that certainly is.



I was doing the best I could think to do at a time when I knew my wife was in pain.



My dear lovely wife, I will rejoice when the day comes you no longer have doubts of my love for you, and will rejoice even MORE greatly when you realize there is no cause for concern of my response to you :-)

I need help....

I have explained (gently) to my wife that when she speaks bad things about me to others - (any others, no matter who they are or where they are located) that it hurts me a LOT. Her words have great power, and it concerns me that she can hurtful about about the things she says at at times.

She seems to have understood what I was saying... yet she continues to not take my feelings in this matter into account. Her words cut me like a knife sometimes. What do I do?

Also... we have had a great number of events occur in our family, work, and our house these last few months that have cut into our UA time that have been completely unavoidable. I am feeling completely "tapped out"... I have already trimmed any "personal time for myself" down to near zero... What is next to do to find some UA time? Life circumstances have me feeling very "burned out" with little energy left to keep all the "irons in the fire" hot. We are also tapped out financially, with tons of medical bills and no way to pay them,.

....and yet your thread is titled "harsh, spiteful stepdaughter".

Seems like rules for thee but not for me.

That was quite a while ago... a lot of water under the bridge has flowed since then.

Try to give me the benefit of the doubt for now.

I am not familiar with your or your W's thread so I probably shouldn't be posting but...

Are you saying she is DJ'ing you in your communications with each other? What is she saying that's DJ?

You may not like what her opinions and thoughts are on things but as long as she's not DJ'ing you she should be able to express what she's feeling/thinking. I don't think "that hurt me" is specific enough. People could use that phrase on just about anything they don't want/like to hear.

And I hope this isn't about things she is posting about here. If she is being disrespectful, the other posters will/should call her out on it and it will actually help your M.

Yes, the things that are said about me CAN BE very big DJ's.

I guess I should say that "Words of Encouragement" are in my top 5 emotional needs...

...and then the opposite is VERY true; words spoken about me that are "unkind or disrespectful" are a "love buster" (a big one) to me when they are "embellished" truths, or even outright fallacies. I think most people are pretty sensitive about libel/slander, and I am no exception.

Let me clarify that if the event being described is done truthfully and with an air of respectful constructive criticism, I can take it easily without being hurt. But when I am being described to others as someone that does not accurately fit the circumstance, I do feel hurt by what is being said of me. I just want honesty and tactfulness in the description, that is all.

Really......What I want MORE THAN ANYTHING is actually for my wife to come to me (her husband)FIRST and discuss things she has issues with - before discussing the issue with someone else (which can often be accompanied by an air of criticism) regardless of who they are or where they are located. That action "love busts" me a lot.

I really want radical honesty in our relationship, but what I receive, I feel is lacking to a great degree. I do desire to have a successful marriage where we work as a team -- and work out our issues as a team - - and no one is saying bad stuff about the other (EVER... to anyone). That is what I desire greatly.

I didn't ask that, Ernie. I asked you this:



What she posts about you here may be disrespectful (and as I stated, if that was true, most likely posters would call her out on that which would be a GOOD thing) but it is not a DJ.





A "word of encouragement" is not an emotional need. Do you mean you want more admiration? Complaining about her postings on MB is not going to make her want to admire you. I know you probably hate hearing that but I am being honest with you.

From an outsider's perspective, you are circumventing the unwritten rule that we have around here about not commenting on a spouse's thread with this post. If what she is writing is bothering you so much, then maybe you should stay off the thread or explain HERE what you feel is being misrepresented.

I understand that using POJA that if you are not enthusiastic about your W posting here, then she should maybe not do it anymore but that's not what I am hearing from you. What I am hearing you say is you want her to POST the way you WANT - which to me comes off as controlling and a selfish demand.

How do you react when she gives you a complaint?

I feel the biggest DJ are either: A) Jumping to a conclusion without hearing all the details first, which can have disastrous results, or: B) Inflating the issue to a level higher than it really should be, which takes it from the category of "not worthy of getting into conflict" into "now we have a conflict".


I hate getting into "he said/she said" situations.

What I don't like is something like this example:
Let's say we are having a picnic, and I have a hot dog on my plate. I see a kid throwing a sandal at another kid and in the process of quickly turning to tell the kid to "stop" and explaining to them that throwing things isn't proper behavior, my hotdog left my plate and landed on the table. When I hear about the story being told later, I was yelling and throwing food all over the place. (Maybe not to that extreme, but still...)

It also has happened with "good/fun" stories... where all of the sudden when the story is being retold, her part in the event has a greater impact, and my role in what occurred got downplayed, often to a level where anything I did was near insignificant in the retelling of the event (or if I was even mentioned having a part at all, her taking full credit for what happened). That is what I find very hurtful and disrespectful.

So, to answer you a little further, when we have communications with each other I feel that most of the time things are on the level. It's when she is telling stories or explaining situations to others where I feel she embellishes and exaggerates to the point where now it can/has become hurtful to me.



Well, I hope I explained it well enough that it more clear now what has been happening.
When I was driving from my work to my MIL's house yesterday, I was thinking about this thread, and the thought did occur to me that in order to exercise care in our marriage and prevent LB's from happening, maybe it is best we discuss first what the other is going to say about the other, no matter who it is communicated to. That will "head em' off at the pass" and prevent damaging words from getting out and causing a LB later on.

I would be totally POJA with that idea. It would also ensure I have become aware of any problems, questions or concerns from my wife first... so I can first be aware the problem even exists (I sometimes feel I am the last to know), and then be able to make actions and decisions to correct the problem before any number of other people are aware of it (before I have even heard of it). That is the level of honesty I desire in our marriage.

I do want there to be a level of communication where we can work on our marriage as a team first, and then (meaning after) seek the advice and help of others only if our first attempt doesn't get the desired result (is that a Dr Harley concept?).

I just need to be the first one to able to hear about whatever problem is happening, that's all I ask. Not heard second-hand from any family, not from unintended eavesdropping, not from any friends-of-friends, and not on here. Pick any of the above; they all hurt me. I want to be the first one she goes to with a concern.

I had to think about this a LONG time... because I so seldom hear an "obvious" complaint firsthand, I have to dig deep in my memories to try to recall how I do act when it occurs.

Complaints from W usually look like this:

The direct-to-me, yet "so-subtle-it-doesn't-sound-like-a-complaint-but-I-really-am" category - and it is not only the hardest to detect, but because it doesn't sound like a "genuine" complaint, it can go unnoticed or not taken very seriously by me.

These are the most damaging to me, because she feels like she is communicating effectively to me (and wants me to take action), yet the way she is communicating it doesn't give it the gravity it deserves, so it immediately ends up on the "back burner". When that happens the resentment is from her immediate.
[NOTE: I am relaying this from a recent discussion we had together; that is why I know this is what is going on]

She thinks she is doing an effective job at letting me know about things that concern her, when to me it barely sounds like it might resemble a "thoughtful request". What I hear is: "could you please take your keys off the table and put them by the door, we are getting ready to set the table".. to which I reply, "Oh, OK - I'm sorry" and go hang them up, but inside she can be thinking "How many times do I have to remind you how much it bothers me when you put your &!%$# keys on the table!!"

But I don't hear that, so until we discuss it later (looking back) and discussing how our actions really do affect each other differently, it doesn't get addressed.

Because the "too subtle"(because I didn't receive it) complaint didn't have its desired effect, now its viewed by her as me "ignoring her concerns and being disrespectful of her desires"... it's too late now - so she is going to keep it inside and brew on it, sometimes for weeks or months, and add it to the pile of the other things she has complained about (sometimes very subtly) and saw no desired action result from. After some time, the pile breaks through the retaining wall and causes a huge mess.

At those times, the onslaught feels like a full on assault, because at that moment I "can't or haven't done anything right for the last couple months" (that's me exaggerating; it is how I feel at those times) and every problem in our marriage is my fault because I never do anything she asks of me. And at this point, it's oftentimes all "new" news to me.... because I have LONNNNNG since forgotten all the little "subtle" complaints that really... really just didn't sound very serious at the time. Well, not enough to put any great weight on them.

I work in a place full of prior military folks where a steady stream of swear words at loud volume is NOT an angry outburst.... it's just how those people talk/communicate. They are probably NOT as angry as they seem they are; that is just how they talk after being in the military for 20 years.

Then when I come home, the phrase "please put your keys...." doesn't sound ANYTHING AT ALL like a complaint!

The contrast effect is SO EXTREME.... that it is extremely difficult to disseminate from someone at work who is cursing loudly (but not really complaining to you) and then listening to my wife say something so subtle that it doesn't even remotely sound like a complaint, (and sometimes doesn't sound like a complaint at all) ..... but it is my fault for not picking up on it, so I get punished by her for not detecting and acting on it.

So, to answer your question directly:
How do I react?
Sometimes by not noticing it even happened.

I deal most effectively with direct/serious concerns or complaints.

At those times, she has my full attention, like one particular "pet name" she hates and never wants to be called. She said directly: "I do not want your to ever call me xxxxx, I do not like that name at all".. and I NEVER HAVE. Why? Because it was direct, and I can "burn" stuff like that into my memory.

ernie, I only skimmed over your response - I don't have much time to post these days and I try to focus on the threads that need 911 type help.

I skimmed the last page of your W's page. As I suspected, your W's lb$ is very low, and I have two pieces of advice for you.

1) You are making a HUGE mistake making your W feel badly about her postings here. Your W and your M needs the help of the forum right now. Your efforts in an attempt to control the way she posts is coming off as a big lovebuster.

2) Instead of focussing on what your W should or should not be doing, I would put all of your efforts towards avoiding lovebusters.

Good luck.

Thanks. I do - and will - continue to work on eliminating my love busters.

This quote from Mr.Wondering summarizes EXACTLY how I feel:

That is what my desire is, as well. I want us to be a team.

This comes off as controlling and manipulative. If I feel that way, I can only imagine how your W feels.

If you keep this up, you are going to end up divorced.

Sorry to be harsh, but you are not getting it at all. I am frustrated in trying to talk to you in just a few posts. I can only imagine how hopeless your W must feel.