Bingo. This is the problem, right here.

God gave Elena a husband to care for her, and he is doing the exact opposite of that. Strangers on the Internet care more for her than her husband, who would rather prove he is doing all he can than learn what more he can do.

Is the advice brutally honest? Yes. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. Most of us are matter of fact and to the point. Think of your marriage as a math problem. What you have is a committee of mathematicians telling you how to solve the problem. We're showing you what to plug in for X and Y. You're getting answers from those that have already solved the problem.

Does it impact me if your marriage doesn't survive? No. But I'd like to see it be a success.

We're not here to love and care for you. That's what your wife is for. We're trying to help you so that you feel loved and cared for by your wife. We're not here to high five you. We're here to help if you want the help.

Essentially we've given you a checklist of what to do to make this situation better. What you should be doing is going down the checklist and then asking "Done it. What's next?"

[quote=alis
We are not being paid to tell you what you wish to hear. [/quote]

No, but I do expect a level of communication that is not belittling to me. I am internally conflicted, because y'all are saying you are not belittling me... but it sure feels like it to me. If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, etc...
I don't come here because I enjoy getting beaten up by posters in this thread. I come here because I want good advice (which can effectively be received and properly implemented) and NOT personal attacks against me.

You do want to reach through and get to me, correct? (mentally). Do you hear me say: "You are going about it the wrong way by attacking me"?

Is not that the reason you post on this thread? Because you see my faults, and wish it to point them out to me so that I can correct the error of my ways. That is also why I am here. I want good solid advice that is presented in a way that does not make me feel like I am under attack.

Right, wrong or otherwise - - - If I feel like I am being attacked, I will shut down mentally. That is the fastest way to get someone (even me) to stop listening to your advice. I am not different than anyone else in that respect. You might say I am wrong for saying that, but I am not going to deny that it actually happens.

It's the same exact thing with why I was so hesitant to get involved with marriage builders... remember the thread I started back in 10/23/12?
Here it is: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=167470&Number=2676546#Post2676546

I am really quite reluctant to receive advice as easily when I feel it is being presented in a way that is lacking tact and consideration. I feel like that just isn't too much to ask of you to do.

Please take that into careful consideration, and tell me why I am wrong if you disagree with me.

I care for her far more than you think I do.

SHE IS the only reason I am here. I want my marriage to succeed.

Posters on this thread think they are helping me by being rude, but it isn't working.

Yes, but I do not deserve to be belittled in the process. I deserve better than that. This is similar to: "You can catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar", and I feel I am certainly in the dill pickle jar right now.

If you really want my heart to be open and receptive to listening, lay off of the vinegar some.


I don't want that. I DO NOT expect sweetness or love, but I do expect to be treated like a normal human being.

Ernie,

There is no other way to say it other than that you are abusing your wife.

Do you realize that your behaviour is abusive? Ernie, you are so angry that people cannot even express thoughts without you stating they are rude, attacking, whatever.

This is really no different than what Elaina experienced in the remote incident. A simple statement is met with anger and belittlement.

It's not us Ernie. It's your perception of reality, it is so clouded by your anger that it has crippled your life. You really need professional help.

Please, above all else, at least read markos' posts. He was you, once upon a time.

None of this addresses the problems in your marriage.

You are still trying to change the subject which tells me you are not taking this seriously. Let us know when you get serious. Until you get serious, you are just wasting the valuable time of board members. We are all volunteers here who have already saved our marriages. We owe you nothing.

Let us know when you get serious.

Ernie,
You may care for her more than we think you do. As a wife who has been on the receiving end of similar abuse, I assure you that your wife does NOT feel loved and cared for when you mistreat her this way, and I'd imagine that she is rapidly losing the love that she feels for you.

My husband felt that because HE knew that he loved me and our children, that meant we "should" know it too. He couldn't see how his words were killing us, because he didn't "intend" for that to happen. If he was abusive, that would've made him a "bad" person and he didn't want to accept that.

Just because you don't think you are abusive doesn't mean you aren't. Your wife knows it. The posters here know it too. That's why they are telling you to stop the abuse and show TRUE love and care to your wife - before it's too late. Instead of doing this, you are arguing and deflecting. I recognize those tactics well. Your wife deserves so much better!! And the thing is - this will benefit you as well. You'll be so much happier too.

I see no credible evidence that you want your marriage to succeed. I see just the opposite. If you were serious, you would be discussing solutions to your marriage problems and not trying to create needless distractions.

We are right back to the same conversation we had with you a couple of weeks ago, Ernie. You think this is all no big deal. A mere speeding ticket.

What is care?

Do you treat her better than anyone else in the entire world?
Do you always speak to her in a pleasant, loving tone?
Do you always consider her feelings above all others?
Are you radically honest with her?
Are you careful to avoid doing anything that hurts her?
Are you ever thoughtless and inconsiderate?
Are you ever disrespectful?
Do you ever lie to her?

I could go on and on, but answer this question:
Are you the source of your wife's greatest happiness or her greatest unhappiness?

But how, when I am feeling so weary? (letting you know?)

I really am starting to convince myself I am caught in some strange, twisted parody of "Anger Management" (Adam Sandler/Jack Nicholson) where I am being pushed to some bizarre breaking point of submission to the board in order to have a successful marriage. My logic and emotions interfere with the stream in information. It wears me down to the point where I feel like extraneous circumstances are interfering with the implementation of any advice I should be following. It's like all the pieces of the puzzle aren't here... I've got the border finished but can't fill in the rest because it's all so jumbled.

It's like drinking "sour" water from a firehose. I can take a bitter pill one at a time, but not an entire handful. This thread has gone so far off the rails I don't even know which direction to turn to get the train back on and rolling again. I definitely need to find some peace before I can make any forward progress.
Until that happens y'all have lost me.............

Ernie, do you understand that you have been abusive to Elaina?

Maybe not what you can see....... all you ever hear about is the "bad", the "good" is almost never mentioned on MB. Maybe twice? That is so discouraging to me.

None of the "good" matters as long as you continue your abusive behavior.

Have you signed up for anger management yet?

You say you can only take one pill at a time...

Here's your first pill Ernie - admit and acknowledge the problem.

Fortunately we do. All you need to do is go back and start answering all the questions that were asked of you. Just start from the beginning and work through.

Because your need for praise and positivity distracts you from the real problems. You have, in the past SEVERAL posts, ignored the basic difficult questions (DO YOU RECOGNIZE THIS AS ABUSE - WILL YOU ATTEND PROFESSIONAL HELP) by demanding a "softer" approach or to be led gently.

I give up, Ernie. I'll be happy to help you when you are ready to listen to me and answer questions and follow suggestions instead of arguing. Until then, I wish you will.

Goodbye.

Yes, I understand that I have been... to a HUGE (not shouting) degree in the past, and I feel like I work (and have been working) really really really really really really really really really really hard to not be abusive anymore.

I feel the remote was an event that was just the last straw on the camel's back" of a greater number of other stressful events that have been occurring recently. I am terribly sorry and I have apologized to Elaina, and she says she forgives me.

I want to keep moving forward!!! (shouting very loudly with great enthusiasm!!) That is my goal - I need to be in a frame of mind that keeps me moving and working at this. I need something positive to look forward to. Not a constant stream of negative comments that do not have any positive result.

Andrew Wommack says you have to visualize yourself succeeding and visualize healing for it to become manifest. That is what I need to do... I can't deal with all the threats about how my wife should be leaving me, that doesn't do ANYTHING good for my forward progress! I need to know that there is a light at he end of the tunnel and that I CAN get to it! That is what I need more than anything right now! Getting beaten down makes me want to think there is no hope and to just give up.