My wife and I have been in a rut for the past several months, and in the past several weeks the discussion has moved towards her unhappiness and her feeling numb towards me. We have had minor hurdles over throughout our relationship, but we usually recovered well, or at least I thought. We have been together for 9 years and married 7 years, and we have two sons. Everything I have read tells me that we got so caught up in being parents that we lost sight of being husband and wife. I really want to make things better, and I believe she does to, but how do you approach this when you still have deep passion for your wife and she is not feeling the same way? It's like starting all over again, and I am not sure what to do first.

If she's said ILYBNILWY then there's a high likelihood of an emotional or physical affair. Dr H has frequently citied this phrase as the number one sign of an affair because it shows a comparison is being made.

It is translated as... "You haven't done anything wrong, there isn't anything I want from you - and I can't
tell you the real reason because it is someone else."

Specific complaints are usually phrased as "I don�t feel as good as I used to. I would like to do more...x,y and z"

If she wants more romance, and to revisit the past, then great, If however it is vague excuses for not wanting romance, watch out.

Does she have opposite sex friends who she confides in?

I would not ask her if she is having an affair, but I would quietly start sleuthing. The above saying means she likely has a new point of comparison, which means she is having an affair. That means that nothing you do will have any effect until the affair is brought out into the light of day. Please start snooping and come back and tell us what you have found. We will help you with next steps that are designed to save your marriage.

If you have searched for answers in books and through the internet, then you will have already discovered that the infamous phrase, ILYBINILWY means that your W is already currently involved in an affair, possibly an emotional connection with another man, but that typically escalates to a physical affair in short order.

No matter how many Love Bank deposits you make, they will fall on deaf ears and a hardened calloused heart.

Your efforts will be met with stock phrases, such as,; it's not you it's me; i feel like we are just room mates or brother and sister; i see that you are trying so hard but its too little too late, etc...

The reason is because she had allowed her emotions to shut you out completely and is conflicted, yet still has given in to some POSOM.

The ONLY way to break through and get her to stop living in the Affair Fog Fantasy is to expose her affair after you do significant snooping to detect the extent and find out with who she is developing her affair with.

Do NOT disclose any of your snooping efforts to her. Quietly gather indisputable evidence that would be convincing proof.

There is a subforum here called, Operation Investigate that you would be well advised to read through thoroughly.

The most common and affordable items are installing a stealth hidden keylogger on the computer that she uses, installing spyware on her cell phone, installing a hidden VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) inside her vehicle and install either a hidden GPS tracking app on her cell phone or a GPS tracking unit someplace on her vehicle.

Do NOT reveal your emotions to her if/when you make any discoveries.

Once she senses or confirms that you have caught on to her betrayal, then she will take her efforts further underground and your mission will become more difficult.

Don't fear finding out the Truth about your marriage.

Don't fear her anger once you go to the exposure step. It will hasten the destruction of her affair and peel away her Fog.

LTL

Things to check out today.

Is she guarding her cell phone? At you next opportunity, check call history, messages, texts.

Is she calling or messaging Fromm another room? (Then place a VAR in that room.)

Check phone bills and cc bills for suspicious expenses.

Who is she spending time with?

Check her laundry after she has been out. Yech! But you may find evidence.

Rewriting history and behaving like things are hopeless are also common signs of an affair.

If she has any emotional connection with another man then she will genuinely believe she no longer loves you. She will believe its not 'real love' (because it isn't as new or exciting) and that she has tried everything. When she hasnt tried anything.

She will truly believe he is not the cause!

It's just the comparison effect. Get rid of this friend and the vague reasons and nonsense will go away too.

Quietly snoop.

She does have a guy friend, whom she has been friends with since High School. He lives several hours away, and I know they communicate, but I do not know the context of those discussions. This has been a problem for me in our relationship for some time, and she has continued the relationship even after I have told her how i felt about it. I trust her, but I do not trust him, and I cannot fathom why a single man in his thirties would continue a relationship with a "old friend", other than his wanting to get in her pants or at least be best positioned if the opportunity arises. I know this is the root of many of our problems but I am not sure what to do next. She has lost her mother and father, and her other sibling is 9 hours away, so I think there is some effort from he to hold onto something from her past. I know she loves me, but her lack of sexual interest lately makes me think it is more about this other relationship she has, however platonic it is, rather than her anti-depression meds she has taken for years. I have not snooped recently beyond picking up her phone and seeing current incoming messages. She has her phone locked and pretty much has it at her side all day long.

Take the steps suggested to begin gathering your intel.

Kelogger, GPS and VAR.

The BIG Red Flag that you just mentioned is the password locked cell phone and how she clings to it for dear life.

I'm even more convinced now that you need to discover the facts of this affair.

Don't chicken out due to some BS privacy and boundary issues.

Can you figure out her password?

You can get a Data Recovery spy device through Brickhouse Security online.

Delete your browser history of visiting sites like that which will clue her in about you trying to figure out what's going on.

LTL

You are going to have to stop trusting her and accept the inevitable fact that she is having an affair. Once you know what you are dealing with, you can fight it appropriately.

This is where you need to start. Get a keylogger on her computer, spyware on her phone, and a VAR and GPS on her car.

It is not wise to trust any married person who has friends of the opposite sex and hides her phone. Your wife has very poor boundaries and if you don't believe me, go take a look at the Surviving an Affair forum. There are 52343 threads about affairs that started with spouses who have opposite sex friendships.

Go over there and ask those betrayed spouses how the affairs in their marriages started.

Wow, this thread sounds like a very similar situation to mine. I heard the same thing and the original issue was the same with too much focus on kids. She too is protective over cellphone. I have some evidence of a possible affair but no smoking gun. I am 90% positive an affair is occurring. It might just be emotional but I have evidence that she is looking for it to be physical. Even if I find more evidence, I suspect that she would deny given the circumstances.

Would you recommend focusing effort on trying to get 100% proof of affair, should I push for us to do a home study program, or both. From what I have read, I should keep trying to get proof. Though, should I not push for trying to work on marriage issues until after affair is exposed?

Please start your own thread, so we can help you without interfering with our advice to the original poster.

Please read.
The Risk of Opposite-Sex Friendships in Marriage

My poor friend, you have a bumpy ride in the near future but believe me when I say you can tackle this and tackle it well.

Is she also keeping a very wide berth from you in bed and clinging to the edge of the mattress like she might catch cooties?




You'd be crazy to trust her. She has exhibited poor boundaries with a man from her past and been secretive about both what she communicates and why for the entire duration of your marriage.

This has led to her keeping you at arm's length for several months and having a death grip on her locked phone. These are not trustworthy traits. The absolute worst thing you can do is to trust her. From here on in, you believe and trust only what you can independently verify.

A death grip on the phone is the very worst of signs. But at least you know where the evidence is likely to be. If she were merely griping about you to her old buddy, she wouldn't show this level of concern about you possibly finding out. I'd bet my life savings there is evidence of an affair on that phone of hers, so do prepare yourself for that.

Several months is a pretty long timescale to have you in the doghouse too. (Did this coincide with her parents passing by any chance? It would have been the ideal opportunity for him).

If it's been that long it could well have gone physical by now. He lives several hours away so it wouldn't take very long for them to meet in the middle. Is there any point in the week she may be visiting him? Might there be an opportunity coming up?

Your first priority is to snoop but in the meantime I would be cheerfully deaf and blind to all her predictions of marital gloom. It will make her relax and slip up,it will also prime the love bank and be good for her to see you being confident.

I doubt she is allowing physical touch but she cant stop you saying I love you, or bringing her cups of tea, or leaving little notes, or remembering what she likes, or showing concern.

Of course any attentions will be met with anger or a wet blanket but you must disregard that cheerfully while assuring her she won't get rid of you that easy. You must treat her as a sort of drunk who will feel better in the morning. Don't expect any kind of encouragement.

But above all, snoop for dear life.

The first thing I would do is go to OM's FB page and copy his friends list into a word document. You need to know who the people are in his life for exposure and he may block you later.

I predict it will be easy to run off a rat like him with exposure (once you have proof) so this is important. I think your hunch that he was hanging around like a vulture looking for an opportunity is correct. This also means he is probably only interested in easy pickings so once you make life hard, he will scoot off.

Then your daily priority is to implement the snooping techniques others have advised.

How old are your sons?

I never thought I would do it, but the snooping has begun. She does not use the PC much, but hopefully a keylogger will get me access to her email, etc. We are starting martial counseling, and she said she was happy that I initiated it and wants us to get back to where we were. This left me wondering why the hell she didn't initiate it.

Her mom passed away several years ago, but she has never sought grief counseling, so every year during the holidays, she is an emotional wreck. Her father, who left her life 25 years ago, reentered her life a couple of years ago, but has since gone back to prison. While he is alive, he is not part of her active life.

The item that pushed me over the Trust barrier, is that her "friend" will not respond to email I send him, and when I sent a message to me on FB, he blocked me....This sent the alarm bells screaming. He might be some secret marine special delta operator( he does have a secret squirrel type of job)in her eyes, but he is a man child who cannot have adult relationships, and I will deal with him as a threat out in the open. He avoiding contact with me screams ill intentions on his part, and this will be communicated to her in due time. She is still physical with me, and seems to want intimacy, but she says she does not feel it.. We still sleep in the same bed and next to each other when not sharing with our youngest son.

I know her willingness to go through counseling maybe to placate me, so I am on guard and cautiously optimistic. Meeting with a lawyer and protecting my children and myself are my next step, in the event that things do not turn around.

It won't take much investigating to find that this man is probably not single. I'm sure he told your wife that, but it is rare for single men to seek out their married old flames. He's trying to run because he has something to hide too.

I strongly suspect you will find this a ridiculous ruse.

This is one thing I actually think is factual. I know some of their common friends,one of which has verified (sort of) his line of work.

I wouldn't believe a word of anything from them or their friends. "Friends" tend to believe lies and/or cover them as well. Saw it with my own eyes.

Hey, I worked in law enforcement myself. I have a very hard time believing someone who is actually in UC work would have an active Facebook life. It is generally prohibited. If that is true and he really is that person, then it is just a good way to fight this fire because you are dealing with someone who is exhibiting both personal AND professional boundary issues.

And in my own LE experience, those guys who are loud and mouthy about their 'secret squirrel' jobs are those who are actually not that at all - they use it as a means of manipulating attention from women and friends. I would wager he isn't even police or military at all. Most secret squirrels are know by their spouses, their immediate parents, and co-workers. That's it. And even then, many of them don't even inform their parents.

It's a big red flag to anyone who is actually aware of military/LE.