If this man is already having an affair that began before six months of marriage (assuming that he did not start the affair last week), and if his response to D Day is only to be angry about the invasion of his privacy and not at all worried about having hurt you, then he clearly isn't marriage material. He could very well have been in this affair at the time he married you, and even if he wasn't, he isn't taking marriage seriously at all. Three or four months into marriage (again, assuming the affair did not start yesterday) you should have been in the honeymoon period. You should have been obsessed with each other with eyes only for each other. Fidelity should have been easy!

This sounds very like a marriage that never was because he never wanted a proper marriage, and one that you should wash your hands of as soon as possible.

Please tell us about your courtship and marriage, and what he was like when you were dating and on the point of marriage. Did he seem to be in love with you? Did you live together before marriage? Is this the first marriage for both of you? Does either of you have kids? Is there an immigration issue involved - i.e. does he need you for a visa?

I feel your pain about the birthday. My birthday was on Valentines Day and he went away on a trip with her.



I'd still proceed with exposure. Most certainly Plan B. My H was very similar and I thank my stars every day that I told people what was going on, got support and then protected myself.

It's fairly typical for a wayward to be outraged about privacy as though their A is just some little whoopsie on their part. Text book cover up attack technique.

He'll be even more outraged about exposure, but press on.

I called the other woman. she had no idea he was married and she was sobbing and so apologetic. it broke my heart. my husband was furious on the phone with her. lying and trying to save it but she broke it off. he told her that i had cheated on him (i never have) and that he was going to divorce me first thing in the morning.

i told his mom and my family. i told his friends. his work knows about it but they don't know that he is married. he works at a hotel and she was a guest there, so he got in trouble for kissing her on the job.

i want to salvage my marriage but my husband is so so sosososooooo furious at me. he said that me going through his phone was the last straw and that he doesn't feel anything for me. he is going to file for divorce.

i want to save this!!! i know he would have to do a lot to prove himself. i am not a doormat and i will not accept this. but i love my husband.

What values do you love about him?

His cheating? Lying?

well obviously not those, but i accept that it happened. there is much to love about him!

He's been sweet. this is so out of character for him and i am having a hard time understanding. this is the first marriage for us both and we have been together nearly 6 years. I was his first sexual partner. He was very much in love with me. We didn't live together, no, and we don't have kids. We are both US citizens.

It's heartbreaking and terrible and so sudden. It was only a matter of weeks. He does have poor boundaries with women because he is such a nice guy and he just has lots of friends, but he lets them flirt with him. Inappropriate.

The thing is that the girl is telling me that he intitiated everything with this relationship. He was feeling unhappy in our marriage and I know this. Things were very stressful and I am a student and work many jobs and we rarely made time for each other. Now he is picking apart all my flaws and weaknesses and saying that he can't put up with them anymore and that what he had with this girl was real and he doesn't feel anything for me anymore.

I don't know what to do. He just doesn't want this marriage. I want to save it more than anything and I know it will be a long and difficult process. I am willing to do whatever.

If you want to save your marriage, Dr. Harley would probably encourage you to Plan A for 2-3 weeks and then Plan B.
Are you familiar with plan A and Plan B?

Please share! What is there to love about him?

I have read about plan A and plan B... but i am confused.

The affair is over but it isn't by his choice. She broke it off. And he is committed to ending our marriage and isn't sorry and has no respect or remorse at this time. I was under the impression that these were necessary to be able to save the marriage, am I correct? How then can I implement them in my situation?

And as for what there is to love about my husband... he is incredibly funny, talented, generous, attractive, hard working, kind, sweet, intelligent.... we share similar values and we have nearly everything in common. I am so unbelievably happy when I am around him and he is the first person I want to tell anything to and I adore him. I have never met a person like him in my entire life.

This is so out of character for him and he has never exhibited behavior like this before and so it is especially shocking and hard to stomach. I know everyone has weaknesses. I used to do drugs and sometimes I have days where people say that I have never changed because all it would take would be someone offering me some and me having a moment of weakness but I recognize that about myself and so I don't do it. My husband desires independence and freedom from real responsibility sometimes and I wonder if that is what drove him to this... feeling trapped. I am just speculating.

I will be more specific to elicit more appropriate responses and also address problems with Plan B that we would run into.

1. I fear that moving forward with these plans will just make him laugh at me. He doesn't want this marriage to be saved, so my stating that we both need to be committed to saving it would be laughable to him. The affair has ended, though not by his choice. However, he wanted a divorce before the affair was in full swing because of my controlling behavior (his words) and says that damage has already been done and cannot be undone. He says that he has forgiven me for being controlling but that does not mean he has to stay with me or continue in an unhappy marriage. I do not believe this to be true... our marriage was so much better than he is allowing himself to believe and we shared such a deep love, but this is his truth.

2. Plan B separation is exactly what he would want so that he didn't have to see or deal with me again and it would also push him closer to his enabler... his friend who I am convinced is the devil incarnate who encouraged this divorce and affair. He will move in with him and they will have a good laugh about everything I say and do.

3. Finding an intermediary would prove to be difficult because anyone of my own choosing, my husband would assume to be biased to me. There is also very little that we would need to discuss other than our rent and utilities. He ignores me and would not desire to speak with me anyways.

4. We share an apartment and both of our names are on the lease. I cannot afford to live there alone, but he can. If he doesn't live there, he will not pay for the rent or for his half of the rent.

I obviously need time to overcome my personal feelings of betrayal and work on myself. I currently do not live at home because my mental health was suffering and my therapist recommended I stay at my parents home for a while. I know this can be detrimental. I have also been avoiding his phone calls and desires to speak. These are Love Busters, am I correct?

The point is... he has a friend who is enabling this evil side of him and it doesn't seem to matter what I do or say as long as this person is validating his actions. And I fear that interferes with Plan A and Plan B. He also has no desire to work on things according to what he says to me.

I also want to apologize for being so blind to the obvious signs of an affair before. Thank you to all for encouraging me to continue to investigate.

At this point we don't know if the affair is actually over or if it went underground.
The point of Plan B is to protect your emotional and physical health during this time.




People have affairs due to poor boundaries. Many people desire independence and freedom but still maintain boundaries.

You are making excuses for why you cant follow Dr. Harley's program; we have all been in similar situations and know that it can be done.

We can only provide you with information about Dr. Harley's methods and whether you follow them is up to you. However take note: Your health will likely suffer if you continue on "your" plan instead of Dr. harley's.

I am just addressing fears and concerns and if the efficacy of the plans can withstand these barriers then I am all for it. I feel like this is an atypical situation but everyone might feel that way in some way or another. I brought these up not as excuses but as questions as to whether these might interfere with the plans.

I'd just be aware that it is really common for waywards to put on this sort of show. Even though it makes no sense for people who supposedly want to be together. However time and time again the OW will put a really good show on to convince the BW he's been dumped. So she will back off.



You really need to pat both your hands around your back and reassure yourself that you do have a spine. You do, you know. You'll do great.



What do we do when he talks? Believe or disbelieve?



There you go! Neither do we



Good. The IM is biased to you. If he doesnt like it maybe he should reconsider his life choices.



Perfect. Ideal Plan B conditions. Very peaceful for you.



That's wonderful news. Let them try that.



No of course not. It is not a LB to avoid abuse. It's exactly what the doctor ordered. Just make it official with Plan B.

You are correct in that nearly everybody thinks their situation is atypical. All the factors you cite as to why your WH may never turn around could well happen. He may project an attitude to you that suggests he is getting what he wants, but most waywards end up being a mess. This will not concern you if you follow Plan B. You will be insulated from it all. You will never know. Plan B is a refuge from the maelstrom that your WH is going to go through. You need that protection. You can not protect him from these terrible choices. The best you can do is protect yourself, so that if he ever pulls himself out of this, you will still be there.

Go to a lawyer and find out your rights. If you can get financial support from him, stay in the apartment and go into Plan B by haiving the locks changed and his stuff sent on to him with your Plan B letter.

If you find out that legally, you need to support yourself then move out and find somewhere appropriate and start up a whole new life. Live as though you are going to be divorced. Design a brilliant life for yourself.

Women who don't go into Plan B turn into nervous wrecks. Their health is severely damaged. You're not going to save your marriage from the nuthouse.

But it's not just because it is unattractive to the WS that we encourage you avoid burnout. Your safety and your health come first!

We want you to be happy.

Plan B is the best chance for your marriage but it is also the best chance for you. Plan B healed me so well that I told my IM not to bother passing me any messages just a few months in. I moved on - that's how happy I was once I got out of the drama. At the very least, Plan B will make divorce hurt less.

Ugh. This is so difficult. I can't believe I am in this situation! I have been with my husband since I was 19 years old and I don't even remember what life was like without him. This is going to be so difficult and it's definitely not something I want to do, but I do recognize it is something I need to do.

Yes there is no way that I can make him leave and there is no way that I could afford living on my own as a full time student. We share the lease and there is no way to remove only my name from it or only his name from it without canceling the whole thing, which would cost about $3k.

You will need to leave the apartment then.
You cannot sacrifice your health for the sake of a lease agreement