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Shaydie, I am going to respond mostly to bring your situation to the top where the MB vets will notice and post back to you.

It doesn't look to me like you are anywhere near recovery.

Was the previous affair exposed in accordance with MB principles?

I think you are going to need anger management, and he will need to quit drinking before you can even think about recovering your marriage.


Me: 46
Wife: 46
Daughter 9
Son 8
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Shaydipie, I am sorry you are not in recovery but it does sound like your husband is an alcoholic. Is that true?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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What to do with an alcoholic spouse: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html

Dealing with infidelity and alcoholism: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8112_abuse-l.html

Restoring trust after an affair, and the similarities of an affair to alcoholism: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8121_trust.html

TL;DR version: addictions make people unable to comply with the policy of joint agreement. It's not that they don't want to. They simply are INCAPABLE of following the POJA while they are in the throes of their addiction. They must conquer their addiction, and while a spouse can help, that addiction is not within the non-alcoholic spouse's ability to stop. Until the addict overcomes their addiction, they are a danger to themselves and everyone they love and cannot follow the Policy of Joint Agreement even if they really, really want to.


Doormat_No_More
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Original thread lost in the forum purge of '09.
4 months after D-Day
1 year after D-Day
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#2792029 03/27/14 03:40 PM
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So to keep my story short, my husband had an affair, OW got pregnant, wanted my husband to be apart of the childs life. Me being me said no way, and that was the end of any contact with the OW. Now fast forward to the birth of the OC, the husband gets served with child support papers, does the DNA test, it comes back and it is his kid. So that is the condenced version.

Here recently I have re-activated my Facebook account (deactived once I found out about the whole ordeal), and me being me, I search for the woman. What I find is quite shocking. I find her page, and I am quite litterally stareing at my daughter when she was 4 months old. A little piece of my heart just broke. So I tell my husband (who also wanted nothing to do with the OC) that I think we should at least entertain the idea of being in this little girls life.

Are there any success stories out there about making your marriage work with an OC?

We of course told our lawyer that we want to have some rights to the little girl, and she told us to contact the OW to see if we could ambicalbly figure out visitation/custody rights. Of course I dont want my WH to contact the OW so I called her last night and left a message, but I was unsure if that was still her phone number. So I sent her a message on Facebook. I also sent my WH to work with instrustions to make sure that OW gets my phone number so we can discuss options (she use to work there, but left after my WH said he didnt want the kid). She has friends there and one of them contacted her and she said yes, I got the wifes messages, but she hasnt contacted me back yet.

I have figured that if I havent heard from the OW by Monday then we are going to petition the court for rights. Am I a fool for even going through the motions of this?

I think I have gotten my hopes up (because I dont want this little girl to grow up thinking sleeping with married men is acceptable) I also dont want my kids ( I have 2, an 8 yr old and a 5yr old) to find out in 20 years that we kept them from ever knowing thier half sibiling.

Any advise would be greatly appreciated







Last edited by Shaydiepie; 03/27/14 04:00 PM.
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I have no personal experience with an OC. However, everything I have ever read or learned here on MB indicates that you are doing a very foolish thing. You are putting your marriage in jeopardy, placing temptation in front of your husband, and providing a constant trigger to yourself. No possible good can come out of this.

AM


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I see from your older posts that you did nothing to recover your marriage. I think there is a very high likelihood of divorce in the future.

AM


BW - 65
WH - 60
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
DD - 44, DS - 30, DS - 23
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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Originally Posted By: Shaydiepie

Are there any success stories out there about making your marriage work with an OC?



No, but we have endless stories of devastation, resumed affairs and broken marriages when the wayward spouse stays in touch with the OC. The marriage is wrecked because the couple is perpetually reminded of the tragedy of the affair.

Your husband's feelings for the OW will be perpetually triggered so the likelihood of the affair resumption is great. We have one couple who did stay in touch like you are suggesting and her husband got the OW pregnant with a 2nd child.

What you are doing is putting your own children at great risk to accommodate this OC. Your marriage is all they have. That is their greatest source of security and by opening this door you are putting the COM [children of marriage] at great risk.

You also make it much harder for the OW to find a daddy for the little girl. It will be harder for her to find a father for her with your husband hanging around.

You are walking right into perilous waters and will hurt everyone, EVERYONE. No one benefits from your plan.

Your sentiments are ill placed and ill advised. Think of your own children first!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted By: Shaydiepie
I also dont want my kids ( I have 2, an 8 yr old and a 5yr old) to find out in 20 years that we kept them from ever knowing thier half sibiling.


They don't give a crap about that. They do care very much about their family and their parents marriage. You can tell them about their half sibling when they are grown adults and let them make the decision.

I read your post and wonder if you don't just like drama even if its at the expense of your kids. Well, you will get drama all right, when your husband gets the OW pregnant again and dumps you. What will you tell your kids then?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your threads have been merged. Please stick to just one thread. Sticking to one thread makes it easier for posters to assist you.

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Originally Posted By: Shaydiepie
I also dont want my kids ( I have 2, an 8 yr old and a 5yr old) to find out in 20 years that we kept them from ever knowing thier half sibiling.



I understand; I'm a genealogist and family researchers often have to track down half blood relatives, etc...

However, IF you want to save your marriage you should follow Dr. Harley's methods and he clearly states that there should be no contact between your husband and the OW.
If you continue on your current path, you will destroy your marriage.

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Originally Posted By: MelodyLane
Shaydipie, I am sorry you are not in recovery but it does sound like your husband is an alcoholic. Is that true?


You also never answered this question

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I agree. There's been no real recovery because you left the first time after posting when we started asking the hard questions.

YOU looking up the OW was a mistake. He's been served with CS papers, so? Consequences. Child support should be the ONLY contact you guys have with this OW, and you don't even have to have direct contact with her to achieve this. CS can be made through payroll deductions or through an agency. Child support does not have anything to do with custody or visitation. He would have to pay it anyway.

I feel bad for this child too but she has nothing to do with you or your marriage. How can your husband be a "daddy" to her? Right now, he's just her father (or sperm donor to put it crassly). Any man is capable of being a father. Give this little girl a chance to have a real dad in her life, preferably not your husband.

You've been warned. If you go for custody or visitation, you've just invited OW back into your life/marriage for the next 18 or so years. Shudder.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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shadypie...i'm about 1 year out. D-Day was May 2013, OC will be 1 next week.

We have NC and will never have contact. That was my husbands decision before he even told me about OW/OC. When she told him she was pregnant 5 months along and it could be his or someone elses he told her right then an there he wanted nothing to do with her or the baby or anything else. He had stopped the affair before finding out she was pregnant, and the funny thing is he was calling her for advice on how to make things work with me and get me back. I know that must have killed her knowing that whole time she was pregnant with what might be his kid and he was only concerned on how to get me back. But she always knew she was nothing but a quick lay, she accepted that, but now wanted more from him? that's her problem.

i was so happy that he wanted NC from day 1. I did look up OW/OC on facebook too and although I am starting to see some resemblance of OC to the family. It doesn't bother me. I feel bad for the little girl, but it's her mothers fault to let herself get pregnant by TWO men who both had families at home. Her mother choose to have her knowing she wouldn't have a father in her life either way. If her mother had chosen she didn't want her, she could have dropped her off at the fire station no questions asked. Too bad our H's don't get the same choice and are stuck paying CS.

I read one of your posts about how dare the OW ask for child support. That is something I struggle with also. OW and our H's were never living together and she was never being supported by our H's. OW choose on her on to carry the pregnancy to term, she was the only one that wanted to have a baby. How dare she then cry to my H that she can't do it alone. Why didn't you think about that before screwing around with multiple men with no birth control? it kills me.

Anyways...I agree with everyone else. I think you're making a huge mistake letting OW back in. Especially since it seems you haven't really healed your marriage much.


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Originally Posted By: lilbit420
Too bad our H's don't get the same choice and are stuck paying CS.

I read one of your posts about how dare the OW ask for child support. That is something I struggle with also. OW and our H's were never living together and she was never being supported by our H's. OW choose on her on to carry the pregnancy to term, she was the only one that wanted to have a baby. How dare she then cry to my H that she can't do it alone.


A consequence of being a BW is having some of her families financial resources drained away to support the OC.

Though to say HOW DARE a OW want financial support from a WH is 100% wrong. The WH was not forced to knock up the OW. The title OC is politically correct way of saying [censored] and the not used much any more out of wedlock titles. Though by any other name the OC is still the child of the WH and that makes the WH financially responsible to the OC.

It is not the general populations responsibility to provide financial support through welfare and other government assistance through taxes when their is a Bio Dad making money.

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Originally Posted By: TheRoad
Originally Posted By: lilbit420
Too bad our H's don't get the same choice and are stuck paying CS.

I read one of your posts about how dare the OW ask for child support. That is something I struggle with also. OW and our H's were never living together and she was never being supported by our H's. OW choose on her on to carry the pregnancy to term, she was the only one that wanted to have a baby. How dare she then cry to my H that she can't do it alone.


A consequence of being a BW is having some of her families financial resources drained away to support the OC.

Though to say HOW DARE a OW want financial support from a WH is 100% wrong. The WH was not forced to knock up the OW. The title OC is politically correct way of saying [censored] and the not used much any more out of wedlock titles. Though by any other name the OC is still the child of the WH and that makes the WH financially responsible to the OC.

It is not the general populations responsibility to provide financial support through welfare and other government assistance through taxes when their is a Bio Dad making money.


Understood. Although I come from a school of thought where you do not have a child if you cannot take care of that child. I think a man should only be forced to pay child support if he and the mother were at one point living together. The point of child support is to provide the child with a similar life in both houses (other wise it wouldn't be based off how much you make, there would be a set amount of how much it cost to raise a child). If said child is never in the other household and there was never a standard of living already set, then why should it matter? Our OW claims she still can't get by with the CS she gets and cried in court about how she needed more. We have children too...our children should just get less because she alone decided to have a baby? I make more than her, maybe she needs to get off her [censored] and find a better job then. Yes the WH was not forced to knock up OW...but they are forced to have a child they didn't want. When that's done to women it was determined to be unconstitutional wasn't it?


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I realize you haven't updated this post in a while but I implore you to not make the mistake of having contact with OC. It will simply keep your marriage in a constant state of uproar and uncertainty. Having contact with the OW is bad for your marriage, period!


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