Good to see you posting to Dr. Harley
July can't come soon enough for you two!

My first reaction was to defend the program. I handed her my copy of HNHN and told her to read it and tell me which parts she didn't agree with. I then left promptly on my date with FC.

I don't think I'll engage her on the subject from now on though.


I know that's right!

FTF,
I have learned a lot from your thread. Thank you.

I am curious if you and your wife listened to the MBradio show with �Maria and Carlos�. It aired the day after yours. Their topic was the same as yours. But they were 6 months from DDay, and their emotions were closer to the surface (at least that�s how it came across to me).

Just curious if listening to them gave you different perspective, or a topic of conversation.

To be honest, I don't recall that show. I do remember a show previous to ours that asked a similar question.

Here's fuillecouleur's question about going back to work.
Radio Clip of feuillecouleur's question

Sometimes the slightest little things bother me and send me into a tailspin.

Yesterday, we were at FC's parent's house. FC's brother and his wife are going through a difficult medical situation right now and it will result in them not being able to conceive any more children.

FC's father said that one of her brother's SILs had offered to carry a child for them. He then joked that "she just wanted to have sex with him". FC then replied "she probably does, [brother] has always been a ladies man".

Writing it out here, it doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it really rubbed me the wrong way. In addition, FIL is a former wayward himself having cheated on FC's mom with a neighbor 30 some years ago.

On the way home, I mentioned to FC that it had bothered me, and she explained to me why he might have said it. That he was just joking around. I told here that it wasn't the why, but that it was just a trigger to me. It felt like a rapist sitting there joking about rape.

She told me she was sorry it bothered me. That was it. I'm not sure what I really expect there, but here I am the next day still kind of torn up about it. And it was just a little comment. What's wrong with me?

I think betrayed spouses, and many formerly waywards, "see" more than the average person does in these so-called innocent little remarks. At one time, I might have laughed off comments like this, too, but now....not so much.

It would have bothered me greatly if my FWH had said anything funny in response to such a crass statement. An abrupt changing of the subject is more what I would want - and do.

I don't think FC does see these things though. I wish she did, because then I think she could emphasize more. As it was, I didn't really feel like she even thought about it at all until I said something.

I was also wondering if my MIL picked up on it, or if it's just been so long for her it's not an issue anymore.

I think you're right that FC doesn't empathize much with you, and when I say that many formerly waywards can empathize, they still can't feel what the betrayed spouse felt. They can only see the pain they caused, and sometimes they are very sorry for having caused that pain. Many times they aren't necessarily sorry but are still willing to change their behavior.

When we hear wayward-type comments, or even hear about potentially adulterous situations, we both cringe. My H mostly feels terrible about having caused such unnecessary pain and that's what he reacts to.

I wonder if your MIL and FIL have a truly recovered marriage. Because if they did, I can't imagine that they would be joking about such a thing. I might have done so years following my H's first affair, but we weren't really recovered. Swept under the rug is more like it. Now that we are truly recovered, the MB way, and in love with each other, the thought of risking the destruction of such a wonderful relationship would make it impossible for us to laugh at the thought of our grown daughter or our son-in-law acting in a way that helps ruins a marriage.

I don't think they really did. It was more of a stay together for the kids thing from what I can determine. I don't think they changed a thing other than FIL gave up the other woman. They didn't even move away and she was a neighbor. I think the OW eventually did.

Even today, they live pretty independent lifestyles. And they yell and fight quite a bit. Of course I never noticed this before, so maybe I'm just sensitive to it.

Just a warning to others. We did not change FC's email address and phone number after D-Day. It hasn't been a problem until recently when her email address was hacked and started sending spam messages to anyone she had ever emailed.

One of those spam messages got a reply message from "F". It said "Hi!". "F" was FC's "affair buddy". "F" worked with FC at school and was having an affair with another teacher as well at the same time.

It was FC's text and email conversations with "F" that I found that lead to discovery of FC's affair. "F" also helped FC to hide the affair, and was the one that FC set up a secret email account months later to keep in contact with. So "F" is definitely on the list of no contact people and today contact was broken!

Do you want to edit his name out of your post?

Has FC now blocked receipt of any emails from him? This would be simple to do. Better yet would be to set up a new email account, because he might write to this one from an unblocked address.

How did you find out about the contact? Did FC tell you right away?

How are you both coping with this setback?

Thank you.


Just to be clear. "F" was not FC's actual affair partner. "F" was a friend that FC worked with that helped her in her A and also was having one of her own at the same time. FC had little electronic communication with her A partner. I found out almost everything by reading the emails and texts between "F" and FC where they described their encounters to each other.

FC has closed her old email account and setup a new one. We'll work on the phone number this evening.

It's ironic because this discussion about changing email and phone numbers started a couple of days ago, and FC was upset with me for suggesting that she go through the trouble of changing it "after all this time". And now, what I told her I feared would happen, happened.

I don't believe the OM has the same email address anymore anyway because they were communicating via his work email and he left that job some time ago. But he might still have her phone number, so we need to plug that hole.

Has everything been changed now?

Email account is shut down. She did it herself but now I'm paranoid she sent a message back before closing it. I hate that because she is trying to do the right thing now and I don't want to be discouraging.

Phone number I'll change today.

Yes, she texted me to say "You were right. F just replied to that virus email."


I am a little upset she didn't take it more seriously. I don't know if the contact upsets FC, but I think she sees the account has to go now.

FTF,

"F" worked with FC at school and was having an affair with another teacher as well at the same time.

So drop a dime on "F"BH and "F"OM BW!

In honor of D Day do so, just like we sent in the bombers to attack the German transportation infrastructure.

God Bless
Gamma

F's OM was divorced and living with his parents so did not have a BW. (At least not a current one).

F's BH, however, was never told. No real excuse for not doing it at the time, but after some time passed I didn't want her contacting us and thought that would resume contact.

It was almost three years ago now, but I know they still work together. Once the phone number changes, I could let him know. I still hesitate to do so.

Careful. This is a DJ.

OK but I voiced my concern about this two days ago and nothing happened. Of course one could certainly argue that I share responsibility for not insisting the email be changed 2 years ago.

I think I am having a problem on the DJ front.