Hello, I'm not wanting to post on my recovery thread because occasionally my husband does still read my thread.

We continue to see Pastor weekly and he has helped us biblically to use ALL of Dr. Harley's program, including POJA, but FAIR WARNING that this is more of a biblical question.

If you are Christian and if it is not TOO much trouble, I'd love, love, dive all over it, be eternally grateful for Bible references.

*****
Here is the problem that I need help with :

During our false recovery (May 2013 through October 2013), my husband was pretty much "himself". As soon as our real recovery began, my husband became a totally new man (as I've mentioned on my thread).

Herein lies the problem. There are some amazing changes that are blissfully wonderful, but the following is troubling:

My husband has worked for my brother since D-Day and H had to quit his job. Ever since D-Day #3, my husband has unexplained bouts of being unable to stay focused and will make such mistakes that it is almost as if he has never worked in this field before (and hubby has 32 years of experience).

I have seen similar here at home. H has worked with me in my business. We work together to accomplish goals in ways that we never did before. EXCEPT that I have seen my husband be all-in one second, and then wander around for 20-30 minutes as if he can't remember what he was doing.

My brother is taking care to never send my husband to a situation where there are lifts or other dangers that could cause an accident. He does NOT want to tell my husband about this just yet because he says that a man values himself by working and supporting the family, and he wants to give H more time to snap out of it. So do I honor my brother (as the man caring for his sister), or do I honor my husband by telling him the truth?

My brother says that my husband acts just like he has seen other long term drug addicted employees act. My husband has never used drugs in my presence. To my knowledge, he has never used at all, not even marijuana. He DID quit smoking in October. Drug tests are mandatory for his work, and he has had three passing tests since D-Day #1.

Maybe an affair addiction or a gambling addiction does the same brain damage as a drug addiction? My husband did have an almost 13 year affair.

I did some research, and there is apparently some proof that ANY addiction changes the brain. But also proof that it can be healed. This site says "It is not enough to �just say no��as the 1980s slogan suggested. Instead, you can protect (and heal) yourself from addiction by saying �yes� to other things. Cultivate diverse interests that provide meaning to your life. Understand that your problems usually are transient, and perhaps most importantly, acknowledge that life is not always supposed to be pleasurable." Link to Site I referenced

My big question biblically, is�. SHOULD I tell my husband about his actions? My gut is telling me yes, that I need to tell him the truth about his own life, and that WE need to POJA a way to deal with this together. I think that I need to do as 1 Peter 3: 1-6 says and do what is right, and not give way to fear. I think that I entrust my husband to God, and I need to continue to show that trust by telling my husband.

Any guidance is most appreciated. THANK YOU!!!

In the interest of Radical Honesty, I think Dr. Harley would recommend you tell your H of your concern about his periodic lack of focus. It's not helpful to keep this information from him.

That said, you could email Dr. Harley for his thoughts regarding this lack of focus as the possible effect of his long term A. Or it could be other factors. He said that you could email him any time you have questions, didn't he?

I feel that your brother has gone above and beyond to assist your marriage recovery and if you were to bring this up to your husband Before allowing your brother to address the job site work related issues, you would potentially be stabbing your brother in the back.

My feelings for a best case scenario would be for your brother to address the work job site related issues and for you to only personally address the home business related lapses.

Yes though, this should be discussed and not allowed to build up further creating judgments and resentments to take hold.

If your husband worked for any other employer, would you even be having discussions like this with that boss?

Possibly it would be best if you and your brother come to an agreement about when these discussions should take place.

A man can gain a sense of respect only from doing good at their job, but they usually know when they have been slacking off, so the method of honest delivery needs to allow for a foreseeable gain by making personal corrections.

LTL

This sounds like a medical issue that needs a doctor's attention right away.

I have never heard of an affair causing anything like this, but I am not medically qualified to judge. What does seem clear is that your husband needs to go for medical tests. This sounds like a significant problem.

Is he taking statin drugs?

Thanks LWFH, I will consider emailing Dr. Harley, you're right, he did offer for us to email any time that we need help. So did Joyce.

I also could tell Pastor, but I hesitated doing that because we (as a couple) have an amazing treasure in receiving Pastor's help, and Pastor has made it clear that he wants everything to be discussed amidst all of us (in other words, no secrets since we are RH�whenever my H texts him for advice, Pastor ALWAYS includes me in the reply, or at our next meeting he discusses�so I know that Pastor would also include H in any reply to me).

Plus, my brother is very involved in the church, and I would not want to betray my brother's interests, kwim?

Dr. Harley sounds like a better option.

LTL, thank you so much for your honest reply. Yes, I agree with you. Somehow I need to set a boundary with my brother so that I do not hear these things. I just don't know how to do it. I've asked him many times to PLEASE tell my H, and he is adamantly against it.

Exactly! H just brought up tonight that he was disappointed when yesterday he could tell something was wrong with me, and I did not text him to tell him at work. Instead I suffered all day until he got home. Yep, he is right on the nose. And the reason that I did that is that I don't want to be a (further) distraction to him at work. THAT is wrong, wrong, wrong! He is noticing when I am "off", and that is a GREAT thing! I certainly do not want to go back to the way that we were, where I carried all stresses on my own.
More really good points, thank you!

I am glad that my own personal experiences have helped shed some light on a potential source of his thinking and mental lapses.

You know your H best, more so than i or others here.

How do you feel the best way to approach the home business lapses with him so as not to be accusatory and also to not raise defensiveness from him?

LTL

Thanks Melody and SugarCane for your replies.

No statin drugs Melody. No prescriptions at all. The only thing that that H takes now every day is Centrum Silver, lol.

Sugar, I hear ya. H has had a full workup though when he went for STD tests. That was the third week in November if I recall. This change happened EXACTLY at the time that he came totally clean with me. D-Day #3 was on a Sunday. He was "okay" that day, and then he did not go to work the next day (Monday). On Tuesday, October 29th, he was a different man AT WORK. He had worked for my brother since May, and suddenly on Oct. 29th he was a different person. When my brother told me about this stuff, at first I just discounted that my H was mortified that my brother knew all that had happened.

I don't know if everyone goes through what I went through, but if you read back through my thread, H got hardly any sleep for the two weeks after D-Day #3. Most of the night(s) were spent wailing on the floor. This was the worst thing that I've ever gone through in my life and it killed my remaining LB, so I was (barely) dealing with my own stuff at the time.

Okay, so fast forward to I think it was about the middle/end of December. H came to me one day and couldn't stop apologizing. Over and over. And he acted as if it hadn't JUST come out of his mouth ten minutes earlier. That was my first clue.

I'm skipping some of the "stuff" from those few days, so as to minimize drama. Maybe it is important. But truly my gut tells me that THAT part anyway is normal for when someone sins and realizes that they have not only taken a wrecking ball to their life, but THEN when they had a second chance, they blew that too.

Since whenever that was, he has ALWAYS 1000% been catering to me. I figured that he was coming out of the fog. He's truly better every day as far as that is concerned. But man oh MAN when it hits, it is like I can't describe. He just wanders. And wanders. Until I bring it up by asking if there is a problem with (whatever he was doing). Surreal.

Maybe he is daydreaming/thinking about his affair and the consequences from it.

EDIT: If there is something wrong with his brain I assume Dr. Harley would suggest that he have a medical examination.

Biblically, Christ is the great Physician and Healer. He can heal any scar and I have known hard core drug addicts that gave their lives to Christ (my former Pastor was such a man).

Good morning!

Well, I did speak with H last evening. Thank you all for helping me to reason this through so that I had the guts to bring it up. I feel so much better.

We also POJA'd and enthusiastically agreed on the issue with my brother.

H said that he has been aware that he is having trouble focusing, but he was not aware that it was that bad.

He is trying to lead us and pick up one piece at a time, but says that he feels inadequate sometimes because the wreckage is everywhere. As fast as we have dealt with daughter issues, then financial issues become urgent and demand our attention. So we make an appointment with the financial counselor, and on the way there, the car breaks (because we haven't maintained anything in years). And on and on, like playing whack the mole lol. It really has been like that.

So Jedi, you are correct. Yep the consequences.