I have been married 25 years and we have 7 children. Early in our marriage there were some signs of depression in my husband (although I never labeled it as such). Fleeting comments about how he'd like to just disappear, how he is never happy and doesn't know how to have fun. Over the years his mood swings became a constant. The kids referred to them as "Dad's PMS". He would just stop speaking to me completely for days or would verbally attack my character, commenting on how I disappoint him etc.. He could manage to be civil to the kids thank goodness and I always got the majority of his anger. When he starts on the kids I just tell them to go somewhere else and he lets them leave. The kids would (and still do) hear his tirades toward me and they would comment later that his interpretation of situations was always way off base. I try to minimize his behavior to them as I don't want them to alienate him. I had never addressed his behavior toward me until the past 3 years. I used to try to make him happy, honoring his requests to keep a cleaner house, get a different job, etc but began to realize that no matter what I did he always came up with another character flaw. When I began to stand up for myself we went to counseling..that helped for about 6 days, then we began to talk about divorce. The kids begged us not to and I stayed. I always thought he was just a mean bully and I tried to reason with him. I could never get him to understand that he was killing my feelings for him with each tirade. There was no reasoning with him, its like living with Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Never knowing what mood he'll be in when he opens his eyes in the morning.
I cannot be certain he has depression but all I've read has led me to believe it. Here is my problem. I have presented my thoughts to him in as non threatening and not blaming way as I know how. He has told me I am irresponsible, that I avoid problems, that I don't support him when he is down and that I'm using him as a scapegoat not to address our marriage problems. etc. It is hard to support someone when theyre down when they're calling you names and blaming you for the misery in their life. He is a psychologist and will not even entertain the thought that he needs to be evaluated for depression. His mother has had a lifetime of clinical depression and psychiatrists. She can't hold her life together. He has managed to be successful at work so he thinks this means he couldn't possibly be depressed, although his personal relationships are a disaster and people have commented to me about how odd he is and hard to predict and get along with.
How do I convince him to join me in seeking help? I have explained to him what I've read about needing to address the depression before we can address our marital problems. We both need to possess rational problem solving skills before we can begin. Any suggestions?

Karensue, welcome to Marriage Builders. The problem with your husband is that he is a bully, not that he depressed. Maybe he is depressed, but what is wrecking your marriage is his disrespectful, abusive behavior. He needs to address that FIRST.

If I were in your shoes, I would sign up for the Marriage Builders program and let Dr Harley work him over. Dr Harley will tell him that if he doesn't knock it off, you should separate. And while that may upset your kids, it will upset them much more if their mother begins to develop the psychosomatic problems that come from living in an abusive environment. Your kids need to see that this type of behavior in unacceptable.

If you sign up for that program, they will assign you a coach and set out on a program that is designed to restore the romantic love in your marriage. Dr HArley is a clinical psychologist so he would know how to direct your husband in resolving his "depression" problem. But more importantly, he would not tolerate his abusive behavior and would help him stop that.

My husband and I went through this in 2007 and it was a miracle to our marriage. We have a happy, romantic, peaceful marriage today. My H used to have angry outbursts and that went away when Dr Harley told him he needed to get into anger management classes. That shocked my husband so much that he stopped getting angry! Other men here have gone through anger management with great results.

The course costs $1000 and they devote a year to changing your marriage. It is worth every penny because it really does work.

Dear Melody Lane,
Thank you for your response. We have tried counseling and another online marriage program. He didn't like the counseling experience because he felt like she was ganging up on him and he just flat out quit participating in the online program leaving me to do the lone ranger track. Thru this I realized that I could do all the changing I wanted to but as long as he changed nothing I still had to put up with his moods and abuse. That's what led me to the divorce decision..do I commit to living with Dr Jekyl or do I take control of my happiness and leave him (but at the same disrupting my kids' lives and teaching them to quit when it gets too hard). As you can see I have a lot of guilt over this even though I know its bad for the kids to live with all this anger, not to mention my marriage committement.
So..can you tell me which of Dr. Harley's marriage programs you went thru? I'll try anything at this point. I keep hoping I'll hit on something that will make sense to him and he'll stick with it.
Thanks again,
Karen

We went through what is now called the Online Accountability program. Marriage Builders is in a different world from other marriage programs/counseling and it is basically written for men. It is like night and day because it focuses on a step by step program that is based on the premise that feelings follow actions. It is a BEHAVIORAL program, rather than one based on feelings and "communication."

The goal of the program is to restore romantic love to your marriage.

You can't compare it to anything else out there. There is nothing even close. online program

And if he won't change his behavior and commit to the marriage, Dr Harley would recommend you separate from him.

Can you tell us about any affair/s you or your H has had? How long? NC? Exposure? etc

Neither one of us has had an affair as far as I know. I used to think he was cheating but I've spied on him and as of yet haven't found anything. What does NC stand for?

NC=No Contact

How did you spy on him?

I've only followed him in my car. Sometimes I would lose him but when I didn't lose him he was always doing what he said he was doing. I've checked out all his stories, checked his schedule book to make sure he's where he says he's going to be, I snooped thru his email (although he knew I was going to so he could have erased incriminating things). One time I happened to be by the interstate and saw him getting off it. Later that evening I asked him what town he worked in today. IF he'd been telling the truth he never would have been coming back into town using the interstate. When I told him I saw him he made up the excuse that he went to another town to buy cheaper gas..even had the receipt to prove it. But he could have been seeing someone there and just stopped to get gas. It didn't make much sense that he drove 35 min for cheaper gas! He was stumbling around with his excuse.
I don't know..maybe I'm paranoid. And then I think, even if I do find him cheating, and even if he continues to treat me like crap, will I ever have the nerve to leave and try to make it on my own and can I do that to my kids. I worry so much about how they will handle it, and I worry about losing their respect and losing time with them, not to mention making it on my own financially. So much to consider my brain hurts too!

I think you need to put a GPS on his vehicle and spyware on all his devices. Or if you can afford a PI?

I agree with BH. If you were willing to follow him, that already tells me you had a gut feeling something was "off" or he was not being truthful with you.

The email thing is no good if he knew you were going to check. And his story about cheaper gas is a big RED FLAG.

The whole reason I asked you about infidelity in your M is because the part where you describe his mood swings as Dr Jekyl and Mr Hyde reminds me of my WxH when he was in his affair/s.

Please do not discuss/question your H about his suspicous behavior -- if he is having an A, he will just deny deny deny and take it further underground.

It's funny hearing you all say I need to find out for sure and that his behavior is a big red flag. Saying all these things out loud and getting input from people who are detached from my situation helps me put it into perspective. I'm going to Radio Shack and buying a voice activated recorder, I'll start there. A little afraid he'll discover it and go berserk at me but still willing to take the chance.

If you have nothing to hide then why would he be upset?

Let us know what you find.