rebuilding, I am not sure what your post means, but I do know that if your husband is serious about saving your marriage, he will find a way with you to affair proof your marriage. The key is to change his life so he CAN'T cheat anymore. If he doesn't do that, then you don't have a marriage.

Talk is meaningless and is a huge distraction. All waywards are "remorseful" when they get caught, but it will not change anything. All the remorse in the world will not affair proof your marriage. What matters are actions. \

I would be brainstorming ways that you can spend all of your time together so he is not working with women anymore. Of course that is not impossible. You are a smart person and just need to figure that out.

It is not difficult for ME, it is difficult for YOU. I have already saved my marriage. If you don't want to save your marriage, that is fine with me. No one would blame you a bit if you didn't.

Let me know if you decide to save your marriage and I will come back and help you.

Best of luck to you.

Yes, I read the exposure thread. Actually I read it a few times and when this first happen I came here and read some things I just didn't join, that was kind of one of the reason. I didn't want to do the total exposure thing for several reasons, some for my own selfish purpose. I know I can still do it and I may.

Well no, I didn't really talk to his ex in the beginning. She was not all the ah, friendly towards me for lack of a better word. She contacted me with a very nasty letter, yes he did have affairs but by the time I learned that we were already married for over 2 years. He had no choice but to tell me some stuff because she told me. She also told me he was going to dump me years ago and she also tried to get him to sleep with her while we were married so she was not my favorite person.

Trust me, don't think I'm not kicking myself and seeing a VERY familiar pattern here, several years to late.

Okay Melody. That is not what I meant by difficult but okay, thanks.

Melody is not someone you want to alienate if you want to save your M. That wasn't a good move.... Just saying, since you are brand new here.

It seems you have dismissed most of the advice you have received thus far.

We aren't a sounding board for people who want to cherry pick MB principles and then complain because their marriages are limping along.

What you will notice, if you look closely enough, is the many posters who have recovered their marriages and stuck around will give you the same advice - implement MB in its entirety. You won't find anyone who here who has recovered their M who will tell you to cut corners. Because it DOESN'T WORK.

You are complaining about hitting a wall in your "rebuilding". You can't move to "rebuilding" because you haven't even completed steps 1 and 2 and 3 ----> exposure and NC and EPs.

What is this high school, what do you mean alienate because this is my FIRST day and I don't want to do as I'm told because I'm not ready?

Yeah, this is the wrong place for me just as I thought when this first happened because I don't know one adult that will do what they are told just because someone said and like there are no adjustment that can't be made to any rule.

So sorry I'm in the wrong place. Don't want to have you very important people help the new person because I know the first day you all showed up you said okay, I'm going to do JUST what you all said.

There are always SEVERAL different ways to rebuild a marriage and anything else that is broken. You all are experience and have had time and any new person you just do it and shut up, okay.

Thanks I'm glad this worked for you all but you know just like me that things take time and people that have happily rebuilt seem to forget that beginning stage.

We'll be here if you want help implementing MB.

No, this isn't at all like high school, thank goodness. This forum is based on Dr. Harley's principles, which he has used for many years in counseling thousands of couples. He has a very organized logical approach to infidelity and to marriage. Since I, and others, were able to either recover our marriages or ourselves (some are divorced, but they are recovered personally,) we help others who post here for help using Dr. Harley's principles.

MelodyLane didn't stomp off in a hissy fit because you aren't taking her guidance, which, again, is based on the principles that have saved thousands of marriages; rather, she doesn't spend a lot of time working with anyone who isn't interested in following the advice she posts.

You are welcome to take or not take the advice posted here, but this forum posts guidance that has worked in many other marriages. This isn't a cyber-group hug, Kumbaya-around-the-campfire kind of place where anything goes.

So I read your thread and your husband was still married while he was dating you? Hate to say it but you are in an affairage and your getting what you deserve. I wish you the best with your marriage MB only works when you implement all of it, not some of it. You also owe the ex wife an apology for tuning her marriage.

Edit

What would you call it?

I don't understand why anyone would ask for help and then not take it. Don't ask for advice if you aren't going to take it. I know that my own time is way too valuable to waste on such endeavors. I have a great marriage and a fulfilling, fulltime career. Today I was at a food show, but took the time out of my busy schedule to give advice on this thread that was summarily dismissed. The advice of others was dismissed too. We are all volunteers here who are just paying it forward. We don't have to help anyone.

No one has to take the advice here. But please don't come here and ask for advice you aren't going to take. That takes valuable time away from others who ARE serious about saving their marriages. That is where I spend my free time.

It's not "these people" who "don't accept anything but 100% compliance." It's a fact that most marriages are crippled by an affair and don't recover. They may stay married, but they resent the wayward spouse for years. They often don't protect their marriages so the betrayed spouse suffers repeat affairs. Or the betrayed spouse makes matters even worse by having an affair him/herself.

Most post-affair marriages do not ever recover enough to become romantic, passionate, and safe for both spouses.

The path to recovery is narrow and it's not us on this forum that can't tolerate little deviations from the steps outlined here. It's the marriage itself.


Actually many people here have exposed their spouses affairs. Even those whose marriages ended because of affairs still exposed their spouse's affairs. Why keep it a secret? It's one of the most damaging and hurtful things one spouse can do to the other, the one they promised to love and care for. Betrayed spouses need emotional support. The important people in their lives ought to know of the affair and hold the wayward accountable. Children ought to know, so they can learn from it. They need to know the cause of the turmoil in their home and why mommy or daddy is so upset, why their parents are divorcing.

I so agree with this. When I found MB the advice about exposure was not emphasised in the way it is now. As my XH dumped the fat slag as soon as I discovered the affair, I did not expose to anyone except my children who were incredibly grateful and immensely relieved to find out the real reason for the stress in our relationship.

But I should have exposed to everyone because the results of not doing so are so dire. Friends, family and neighbours all got his story on the failure of the marriage. He told everyone that I had an attachment disorder as a result of being adopted. Too late for the real story. He even showed up at my mother's funeral as the bereaved son in law.

Her H is still working with the OW, the affair hasn't been exposed and she is wondering why she can't "rebuild" her M.

This isn't a matter of "not implementing 100% immediately". All of our advice to help her was dismissed. The thread speaks for itself.

If you want to pack her on the back while she stands on the tracks while the train is heading right for her, go for it. Most of us who have experience volunteering here have learned that that doesn't work.