Hello, I have been trying desperately for one year to get my wife to save our marriage and get her out of withdrawal. She says she lost the love. We have been 14 years together and have an 8 year old son. I am going to try to be brief telling our story and I hope someone can give me a good advice.
We started with a 2 years long distance relationship when I was 19 and she was 22. Now I am 34. We started living a great life and marriage until the Real Estate crash started to bring stress to our relationship. I was 25 years old, I had a beautiful wife and a beautiful baby, 5 Real Estate properties and I felt I was on top of the world. I felt the happiest guy on earth. And I trully believe I was. I came to USA first than my wife and I was raised by a divorced mom who taught me how to be very independent and resourceful. My wife in the other hand comes from married parents who did everything for her. When she moved here to live with me I knew how to get around, spoke english (she didn't), and basically new how to do everything I needed. I did everything for her and gave her all the support. I was in charge of everything. The house, the bills, financial support, etc. I was a hero to her. After the Real Estate crash I felt how she was dissapointed with me. I also remember how she was a little concerned on how I deal with money. She felt I was a little irresponsible, which is true.
After the crash, we both decided to do what we came to america for which was golf professional for me and dentistry for her (she was a dentist in south america). For foreign dentist is very difficult to revalidate their career in USA. She got accepted to school where she had to go for 3 years full time, and I had to give up golf to take care of our son and run a home based business to support our family. She basically gave me all responsibilities in the house which I gladly took. I took care of our son, the house, bills, the dog, everything...
While all this was happened I have to disclose that I was always faithful to her even tough I always felt a huge attraction towards the opposite sex and she knew about it because she was my confident and I never wanted to hide anything from her. After she graduated she started to hang out with her girlfriends and having a lot of fun with them. I was no longer fun for her, it seemed. I remember asking her many time to give me and the family more attention. To not forget about us, etc... Our conversations became more difficult every time.
When she graduated she got a few jobs and started to bring a good amount of money to the house. More than me with my home-based business. We then, both decided that it will be a good idea if we open a family practice (dental office). I used my business skills, my experiences, read every book about the business. Created a state-of-the-art business plan, negotiated a great location and a great opportunity and with my family money I was able to buy and finance the new office. I did all the business side of it. The idea is that I was going to run it, I still do, and she was gong to be the dentist. Everything seemed to be going relatively well during the first months of the business. But now she feels that she is the one providing to the family and that I am not good for anything. That I should get my own job and also provide for the family. It's like she forgot all I did and we were in this position because of me and my family money.
In the mean time I could not have my sexual need met and felt the need to cheat on her. I refused to do it and instead approached her and told her how I felt without giving her a solution. I told her: "this is what I feel and I don't know what do to..." I basically told her that I was very worried about my cheating one day with her and I felt I could not be sexually just with her for the rest of my life. Something I regret very much.
It is important to know that my father is very open minded and always said he loved girls and if it was for him he'd have more than one wife. He is on his 3rd marriage. Also, my older sister is married and they are swingers. So I never had a good role model to tell me how to manage my sexuality and desires and to protect my family overall... And never though of getting professional help.
Long story short I ended up convincing my wife to bring one of her friends to our bed and have sex with us. I did not force her, she confessed to me that she did not mind being with another girl and she felt she should to do it in order to fulfill my sexuality. We where at a school party one day and my wife approached me saying "she is ready..." I was shoked and asked who? for what? and she said my friend wants to go to bed with us and we just kissed in the bathroom.
Before the threesome I remember asking her to please take care of the house and me. To give me more time and affection. I was the one in charge of our son education, I was the one cooking, taking care of the bills, and everything that was not dentistry. And I always gave her freedom to do whatever she wanted and always accomodated her in whatever she asked me. Even if it did not make me happy. I was a total Giver.
After our sexual experience I made the bad decision of keep sleeping with the other girl. She was moving out of town in 7 days so I felt I was going to get away with it. I felt bad and was kind of upset because I could not get pleased with my wife instead. Well I got caught... she found a lot of phone calls and I confessed the truth. She was very dissapointed and I beg her to forgive me. After 6 months of her not giving in and me begging, and her saying she lost the love I was very frustrated and I left home.
After one week I came back and it did not work. I left again but this time I decided to go out with my friends who called me to get out to get distracted and not be depressed anymore. When I went out I hook up with a girl without knowing my wife was seeing every move I took (something I never understood since she was the one that wanted me out of her life). She used "find my iphone" and noticed I stayed in someone's house and not where I moved to... during this time I was still hoping we could fix things up. Whenever I would try to fix things up and ask her to forgive me and work things out, she never gave in, but when I was going out and found out I hooked up with someone else she would worry about loosing me and called me and act worried...
Keep in mind that while I was out of the house I still had to see her every day at work...
So after about 30 days out of my house I felt things were not going to get better and I decided to come back to give it 110%. I convinced her to go to therapy but we only went one time. I went 4 times by my self and did everything I was told and asked by the therapist and my wife. My wife went 3 times by her self and the therapist told her that she was responsible too for not committing to her family and taking care of her husband. The therapist also told her she was a histeric woman (one that desires what she does not have and is not happy with what she has... something like that) and other things too... She told the therapist she wants me to make my own money. I feel that her most important emotional needs are financial support, conversation, and recreational. But I cannot proove her financial support in our business which she feels is hers and I'm just an employee.
My wife tried very little to fix things up and I never felt she gave her all. She keeps telling me she does not want to do anything for our son, our family, or our 14 years together. That it has to come from within. But I feel she has to act, commit and focus, in order to recover her love.
It's been more than one year since the 3-some. It's been more than 4 months since I came home and I'm giving my all to save the family. But I can't get her out of withdrawal state. She acts very strong. She says she wants to be alone, and that there is nothing to do. I feel that I need to leave for good for her to realize what she is loosing. I hear from a lot of people, even her friends that I spoil her and she does not appreciate me. I am very dipressed, to the point that it is very harmful to me. I'm desparate to save my family. I have a huge pain in my chest that it's been there for almost a year. I get panic atacks when I see my family breaking down.
Also, I want to mention that for 10 years I was addicted to marihuana, something I finnaly gave up since I moved back in the house more than 4 months ago.
I don't know what to do. Can someone give me a good advice? is there hope? can I regain her love? I feel my love is also fading away and I don't want to son to have divorced parents and go through all the hassle that divorce parents bring to the children, and everything I went through...
Please help
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