Oh thanks for your great advice. I think you only read what you want and assume also as well. I said if i had known Dr harley's concept Inwould have acted differently. It's useless to read your posts. I am not saying I am the victim here. You are getting the wring impression about me or let me better humbly say that I am having a hard time expressing myself.
Good night.

No what I mean and based on what I read on this website is that when couples needs are not being met they are more vulnerable to an affair...

I have the RIGHT impression from reading your posts. You "expressed" yourself just fine.

You are not a vicim and you did not cheat because your wife did a poor job of meeting your needs. You cheated because you feel entitled to live like a playah and were chasing women.

People are VERY vulnerable to an affair when they are out CHASING women.

Really? In what part of my post did I mention I was going out all the time? You make your assumptions and men stereotypes. You are just here for the drama and creating even more. Like watching a reality show. I'm surprise you are religious. Religious people understand about forgiveness and repent.
So thanks for the solutions. I'm here looking for a solution to my marital problems. I said many times I regret my past decisions that I wish I did things different and you are here telling my that I should end my marriage and tell my wife to run for her life... This is a marriage builder page. Not a marriage destroyer... Posts are supposed to be for adding something helpful.

Like Dr Harley says, forgiveness is not warranted in the case of adultery. It is not an entitlement program for entilement minded waywards. Also, people who are repentant do not blame their victims.

The solution I offer is this: if you want to have any hope in getting your wife back, then STOP blaming her for your despicable behavior. You had your affairs for one reason and one reason only: YOU WERE CHASING WOMEN.

You are not a safe person for your wife until you take full accountability for your crimes. Surely she knows this, which is why she won't take you back.

WOW, I have stayed out of this thread because it reminds me just a bit "too" much of my (previously wayward) husband.

Sir, Melody has NO problem with drama. She is quite gifted at getting to the heart of marriage problems without focusing on the drama. For you to respond to her in the way that you have is a huge to me. If you display even 1/10th of that same attitude towards your wife�.

You're right about the level of commitment and effort. From what I've read in your thread, you have not even begun to show that commitment yet. You don't sound committed at all, to be honest. You sound as if you expect to do a couple of nice things for your wife and all will be forgotten. START focusing on doing anything for the rest of your life to HEAL your wife, well then she may be able to feel love for you again.

Well, that's not totally fair�you DID find marriage builders and post here, so that's a start. But you haven't yet learned to STOP with the spew words already and START with the actions.

So if she is not in love with you, then what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

How long has it been since you had contact with your affair partner? ANY contact? How long since you have looked at photos? Listened to songs that remind you?

The way that you went off on Melody and others who were trying to help you, you sure do still seem foggy. Which WOULD NOT be the case if you truly have had no contact in four months.

I did not start blaming her for the affair. In fact I never did until we went to therapy and the therapist said that needs needs to take some responsibility about what I did. It never even occur to me. I always felt horrible and guilty 100%. The therapist said the fault was 50/50. Eventhough I never tell her that it was her fault. I may sound like it by saying she was not paying attention to me or meeting my emotional needs. I keep saying "I" made a mistake and I regret it. I wish I could go back in time and would have known about Dr. Harley's concepts. I believe this would have not happened. I a not saying that I did it because it was her fault. I believe there is never a good reason for cheating on your spouse.
So let's say I am not blaming her for my affairs or making her feel guilty. It is still not working out. Then what?
Thanks.

[/quote]You're right about the level of commitment and effort. From what I've read in your thread, you have not even begun to show that commitment yet. You don't sound committed at all, to be honest. You sound as if you expect to do a couple of nice things for your wife and all will be forgotten. START focusing on doing anything for the rest of your life to HEAL your wife, well then she may be able to feel love for you again.

Well, that's not totally fair�you DID find marriage builders and post here, so that's a start. But you haven't yet learned to STOP with the spew words already and START with the actions.

So if she is not in love with you, then what can you DO to begin to restore that love?

How long has it been since you had contact with your affair partner? ANY contact? How long since you have looked at photos? Listened to songs that remind you?

The way that you went off on Melody and others who were trying to help you, you sure do still seem foggy. Which WOULD NOT be the case if you truly have had no contact in four months. [/quote]

I haven't had any contact for more than 4 months. I am clean 100%. I've had no contact with anyone. I have been looking for ways to fix my marriage for more than 4 months now. But things seem to be getting worse the more I try. I take bitterness without responding back. I accepted her decision of not going to therapy. I give her space when she wants space. I am doing anything she asks me for. I have apologize to her 1000 times and I keep doing it. I have written her many love notes already. Everything I can find to fix the relationship but I see no improvement. She goes out anytime she wants. I am running out of resources and building up my frustration which probably makes me like you said "foggy". It is difficult to act when you are desperate.
Also, I ready a lot in Dr. Harley's articles and letters and the betrayed wife always seems to be the one that want to fix things up and that the other spuse will have withdrawals and will not want to continue the relationship. I don't feel that is my case. I cant seem to find anything to ready about when it is the opposite. That would help me. I betrayed her and she lost her love and admiration for me. How do I fix that?
I am ok with her not reacting but the problem I see is that is getting worse...
Thanks.

What can I do?
I ask my self that questions every day all day.

No.

This was not the condition that allowed you to have an affair(s). That is not what LTL was asking you.

Hint: There is only one reason why you chose to have affairs.

When you figure out what that is, you will be in a tiny little bit of a better place to figure out how to (possibly) save your M. You are not there yet.

After you figure that out, then you will need to figure out what conditions were in place that ALLOWED you to carry on outside of your marriage.

You say you are not blaming her and then go onto say it was 50/50 "her fault." You have blamed her numerous times throughout this thread so don't sit there and tell me you are not doing that.

The REASON you had these affairs is because you were trolling for women. You were out looking for it. Your "ummet" needs did not force you to do this.

What is your wife supposed to do in the future if your needs are not met again? What if she has a heart attack and is hospitalized and can't meet your needs?

Your wife surely sees what we objective observers see in your posts: you take no responsibility for your actions and justify chasing women by blaming your wife.

She should not touch you with a 10' pole.

Sometimes spouses will fall into affairs when their needs are not being met at home. It is like a starving man who happens upon a buffet.

That is not the case with you. You were actively TROLLING for action. That is why you have had 3 affairs. Blaming your wife for that takes amazing GALL. It is like blaming the rape victim for being too attractive. AFTER YOU RAPED HER THREE TIMES!!

First stop the double speak and the weasel words. ["I do not blame her but she is responsible for 50/50"] Do not ever blame her again or discuss lack of need meeting as reason. Admit you were actively trolling for action and found it.

Tell her what you will do to prevent that from EVER happening again. How will she be protected in the future when your needs are not met? <--------------I would like to hear your answer....

Where did I write that I believe it is 50/50? All I remember writing is that we went to a therapist that said our problems were a both of our faults 50/50. Even tough I believe it was may fault and I shouldn't have done what I did. Regardless if my needs were being met or not. I have also wrote that I do not want to excuse myself what I did. I still don't believe it's 50/50. I am not saying that is what I think or believe.
I have never told her nor will that this is her fault. All I have done is pray, beg, cry, ask for forgiveness. Repent. I completely lost contact with the lover. I don't even look at pictures.
For the 100th time, I believe there is never a good reason for an affair. I regret what I did, I repent, I wish I could go back in time to do things differently, I feel guilty. I feel like crap. My chest hurts. I am frustrated. I cannot function like this. I have lost a sense of myself, my self esteem. I believe she is having an affair either emotional or sexual, even though all she says it is just a fantasy. But she does not want me to check her phone. Yesterday that man went to our clinic to work with her and she asked me to please don't go because she was going to feel unconfortable. I haven't been able to get a goodnight sleep for a almost a year.
I wouldn't be here trying to get help. I wouldn't have read the whole website. If I felt it was her fault this happened. I am looking for answers, understandings. Something that can help me fix things up. Some hope at least.

She says she knows that I have changed. She says she forgives me and everything but she is just not feeling it anymore and does not believe a love can be restored.

I think I need to calm down and maybe I am expecting results too soon. But I just cannot accept the fact that this is over. I am in denial. But before we end this up I need to make sure there was really nothing I can do.
That what was done was done regardless if I regret it or not it is just something that it cannot be saved or repaired.

My answer to your questions would be (and maybe I'm wrong, I'm still learning) by letting her know how I feel about my needs not being met. By showing her how important to me is to meet her emotional needs. And I would repeat to her that regardless of her decision of wanting to meet my needs or not. I will still be there for her and never disrespect her again by being unfaithful. I will never be unfaithful to her again and by that action over time it will make her feel better and more protected�
I don't know what else to say. You sound like you know the answer but what to know what stupidity comes out of my mouth... JUST TELL ME PLEASE!!!
I am here to learn and not to affirm my position that what I did was right.

The day I told her everything about what I did. She then came to me later that day saying that she also feels bad because she was confused with another man. She still sees him but says it is only professional and that all she had was a fantasy and that nothing happened. I believe her because I trust her. But I have learned with Dr. Harley's writings that trust can lead to an affair and that we are all wired to have one if we don't take precussions.
(Forgive me for my bad english and misspellings. English is my second language.)

I said I did expose the affair but didn't tell anyone how it really happened (threesome) because my wife would kill me� She precisely asked me not to.

I see I get misinterpreted a lot� Now I know why I was having a hard time meeting my wife's needs of communication. Maybe I should take a communication course.
I hate myself right now!