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And I am very sorry to tell you that this has already gone physical.

This has been going on for some time (at least six months), she has said she loves him and they work together = plenty of opportunity.

Do you have a GPS and a VAR in his car? If not, I would QUIETLY get that set up pronto.


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Threads merged. Please stay on one thread.

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Originally Posted by SFL
HI- I appreciate your help but Everything I have listed is all that it is. I know for a fact that nothing physical has happened.

faint

Denial is a real big problem with BSs. I can't tell you how many posters over the years I have seen say this the same thing to only come back and say, Oops, you guys were right and I was wrong.


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Your husband is out of town from M-Thursday every week? So he has opportunity to cheat.

What spyware tools do you have in place?


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WH
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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by SFL
These past 2 weeks have been pretty darn good, but this weekend I discovered that a woman he works closely with calls him "Babe" and "sweetie" and says "I miss you." and even called him leaving a teary message saying "Sweetie... I love you so much." Now believe it or not I know for a fact they are not having an affair. She is "trouble" and nothing physical has happened.

They are having an affair and it is most likely physical too. Who is this woman?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SFL, if you want to save your marriage, it is very important that you wake up and put a stop to this affair. That means you expose the affair at his workplace and to all your friends and family. Go find the OW on facebook and see if she is married. Expose to her family and friends.

The longer you ignore the affair, the more entrenched it becomes. You have been in denial for a very long time and every day that goes by, your risk of divorce increases. You need to act quickly.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by SFL
this weekend I discovered that a woman he works closely with calls him "Babe" and "sweetie" and says "I miss you." and even called him leaving a teary message saying "Sweetie... I love you so much." Now believe it or not I know for a fact they are not having an affair.

crazy

That IS an affair! You just described an affair.

Are you saying that because they supposedly haven't had sex it's not an affair? An emotional affair is every bit as much of an affair and every bit as damaging. Of course, you don't know that it hasn't gotten physical yet - and it probably has.

Don't tell yourself that a woman calling to tell your husband she loves him and misses him is somehow not an affair!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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SFL, where does your husband sleep during the week when he gone?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If some man were texting my wife calling her babe and I love/miss you, I would make it very clearly known he was to cease contact with my wife. You're lacking bboundaries by allowing this inappropriate conversation to continue. The longer you continue this to happen, the deeper it's going to get. He obviously enjoys it and is going to want more and more.


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Originally Posted by SFL
...this weekend I discovered that a woman he works closely with calls him "Babe" and "sweetie" and says "I miss you." and even called him leaving a teary message saying "Sweetie... I love you so much." Now believe it or not I know for a fact they are not having an affair. ...
SFL, a question for you: How do you think affairs develop?

I'm basically retired from posting, but your post was such that I thought I should jump in, as a man who was formerly in an emotional affair that became a physical affair, to help confirm that what you describe bears all the hallmarks of an ongoing emotional affair.

Here's not simply what I believe, but what I know for a fact, based on what you've described: Even in the best-case scenario, your husband enjoys this woman's affirmation & attention enough so that he doesn't tell her to knock off her absolutely inappropriate communication. He likes it, and likes her, at least enough so that he's keeping the door open for more (whatever that may turn out to be), and he's aware-enough of what he's up to that he has concealed it from you (or has tried to do so). This adds up to: he's on a slippery slope to "more." This isn't in the territory of borderline, "might-be" an emotional affair; it's by-the-textbook, right-down-the middle-of-Broadway, very-definition-of an emotional affair. And ma'am, remember, that's your best-case scenario here. Other posters have speculated that your H's affair is already physical, which is also quite plausible.

You say, basically, that you're worried about other issues in your marriage, so you don't want to confront this affair. In fact, you're so frightened of confronting the affair that you're afraid even to admit that it's occurring (since I think you know that this would require confronting it).

Your marriage may well have issues that have nothing to do with this ongoing affair, but look at it this way: If someone undergoing rehab for a knee transplant happens to step on a rusty nail that goes through her foot, the fact that she's is in rehab for her knee wouldn't mean that she wouldn't also need a tetanus shot asap.

Do you think your marriage can be healed, that you & your husband can become emotionally close & in-sync, as long as there's a third party interloper in it; as long as your husband's emotional loyalties are divided as they obviously are?

I'll let you think it through, but please know that I've been where your husband is at, and I don't have to guess about the risks he's taking with your marriage, because my wife & I lived 'em firsthand.

You may confront these risks by exposing the affair, with admittedly no guarantee that doing so will save your marriage. Or you may ignore them, with the guarantee that doing so will allow the affair to blossom & probably kill your marriage (unless you're one of those rare folk who can long abide a spouse who's an active cheater). Or you can lay down your cards & end the marriage now. I appreciate that those aren't the choices you'd prefer to have, but those are the choices before you, and if you can attack the reality you've got, rather than 'reality' as you might wish it to be, you'll probably feel more in control of things & maybe improve your odds of achieving outcomes you want. Anyway, that's my 2 cents for ya.


Me: FWH, 50
My BW: Trust_Will_Come, 52, tall, beautiful & heart of gold
DD23, DS19
EA-then-PA Oct'08-Jan'09
Broke it off & confessed to BW (after OW's H found out) Jan.7 2009
Married 25 years & counting.
Grateful for forgiveness. Working to be a better husband.
"I wear the chain I forged in life... I made it link by link, and yard by yard" ~Jacob Marley's ghost, A Christmas Carol
"Do it again & you're out on your [bum]." ~My BW, Jan.7 2009
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Ok- I hear everyone loud and clear. Please trust I am not in denial. Reasons I know it hasn't been more than what is stated:
1) My husband's number one priority is his career. A friend of his at a past company got involved with a coworker (it was mutual) and she turned around and accused him of sexual harassment. It ruined his reputation and his career. That scared my husband to death. He won't even go to strip clubs or shmooze in a drunk/bar type manner because he's also seen that ruin people's work reputation. He has in the past, many times said he would never ever, get involved with anyone in the workplace because he is scared to death of what happened to his friend.
2) He is stated time and time again that he would never ever cheat on me and that he would break it off first before getting involved with anyone. (our troubles started before this woman started working with him.)
3) This woman is 'trouble.' I think he very much regrets even letting it get to this point because he has no time for the drama. He is very much not attracted to party type girls who have tons of boyfriends and present themselves in the way she presents herself on facebook and the like. In our good times he has constantly commented on a friend of mine who is like that saying he wouldn't touch that with a ten foot pole. He likes to be the only man period, and this girl will have guys going up to her whenever out because she's probably been with many of those men. He thinks that is very unattractive.

- that being said, I know it seems like it could turn into something more, but I am asking, please, humor me. Please let me know, even if you think odds are this or that- What should I do if it is indeed only inappropriate "babe" and I miss you?
I do know that he could certainly cut that off if he wanted to. I do know that he on some level is getting something out of even that. That has been a problem in the past. Once. He is a man of power in his profession and enjoys helping men and women because he can. He does indeed not need to 'help' her in the way he has (getting her a bonus, changing a bad review, etc.) and a big problem I have had is that he does those kinds of things. I am 100% sure she is using him, and being "extra nice" to him (like she is doing with a bunch of other men) to get him on her side to further her career.
Again, I don't think reporting the fact that she's texted "I can't wait to see you!" and "Babe?" and "I miss you" is going to be taken seriously. And I feel like when we get to a place where he is leaning more toward working on us, that I could bring it up and stop it in his tracks.

To answer other questions-
- he stays in a hotel when he's there.
- Our relationship started to be rocky because of the Lovebusters on my end of "angry outbursts" and the immense pressure he is feeling to have to make this job work. It is a make or break position for him and he is struggling. I haven't been making it easier by me constantly fighting with him and going off when he broke it to me that he has to turn Monday through Wednesday into Monday through Thursday because he needs to get this company turned around.

If anyone could please advise me on what to do with this information?

Last edited by SFL; 05/10/14 02:17 PM.

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Sorry, but we can't humor you. You are really lying to yourself. This is an affair staring right in your face and you don't want to face it. The writing is on the wall. I won't ever cheat on you? Is there anyone who wrote in their vows they would? Save yourself here and get that head out of the sand

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Originally Posted by alis
Sorry, but we can't humor you. You are really lying to yourself. This is an affair staring right in your face and you don't want to face it. The writing is on the wall. I won't ever cheat on you? Is there anyone who wrote in their vows they would? Save yourself here and get that head out of the sand

x2

sfl, my exWH had workplace affairs and said exactly all the things you just wrote...every single one....why he would never, ever in a million years cheat, lie, associate with x, y, z. A WS will risk his career, family, reputation when he is high on the affair crack...WSs do not care and don't think they will ever be caught to face consequences. You ARE in denial. You are helping to kill your own marriage if you don't wake up.

Who is this OW? Is she married?

As much as OW may be pig, your WH volunteered to be a participant too...be very clear on that. It sounds like you don't want to face a lot of truths.

Welcome to MB

Last edited by black_raven; 05/10/14 02:32 PM.

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We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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SFL, I was the last guy you'd ever have thought would get into an affair. Afterwards, my friends told me so. My wife's friends told her so. I'd always been the complete boy-scout, good-dad, involved in my church, model employee, all o' that.

The whole time, at each step, I thought I could quit anytime I wanted.

And what I thought, and what others thought, and what I said & professed, were all at odds with the things I was actually doing & allowing.

And the OW wasn't even "my type" either. She was needy as all hell, and in the limited time I'd known her, I'd always found her kind of annoying. But I sure liked those affirmations I started getting from her once I started helping her out with practicing some music, or with some advice on dealing with parenting issues, and then suddenly I was listening to her complain about her marriage; and part of me enjoyed being confided in, being relied upon, being "helpful." There's that slippery slope your husband has ventured out onto. And maybe he even thinks he can put a stop to it anytime. Fact is, if he could've, he would've already. Unless the other lady is his mom, her messages have already crossed a clear line.

You're telling me what you think. Again, I'm telling you what I know.

OK. So, my advice for you is, continue to snoop. See what you find as time goes by. Just don't be too surprised.
Good luck.

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Originally Posted by SFL
2) He is stated time and time again that he would never ever cheat on me and that he would break it off first before getting involved with anyone. (our troubles started before this woman started working with him.)
Give me strength.

Do you think that those of us whose spouse cheated were warned by that spouse that they would cheat on us?


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Originally Posted by SFL
He is a man of power in his profession and enjoys helping men and women because he can. He does indeed not need to 'help' her in the way he has (getting her a bonus, changing a bad review, etc.) and a big problem I have had is that he does those kinds of things...he has to turn Monday through Wednesday into Monday through Thursday because he needs to get this company turned around.

^^^This was my WH too...and many other WSs. While the company may certainly need his attention, he also gets more time to carry on his affair.

I don't think you should expose to the workplace just yet but are you snooping at all? You need to snoop.


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Originally Posted by alis
Sorry, but we can't humor you. You are really lying to yourself. This is an affair staring right in your face and you don't want to face it. The writing is on the wall. I won't ever cheat on you? Is there anyone who wrote in their vows they would? Save yourself here and get that head out of the sand

Ok- take back 'humor me' could someone please advise as if this is indeed the case? The best case scenario? I have plan B letter all ready. But not sure 'exposing' just a few texts makes sense. I've been snooping and snooping. I'd like to hire a PI- but he is there Monday through Thursday and for the PI to stake out from 8am-11pm? for 4 days would be quite costly. Would also love to get spyware on his phone but he has updated to the latest 7.1 which is currently unable to be jailbroken.

Thinking maybe I could hire a PI from 6pm to 11pm only as odds are nothing would happen during work hours. That would still be costly and not an amount that I have in any account that is not joint. frown

Last edited by SFL; 05/10/14 03:16 PM.

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Originally Posted by GloveOil
SFL, I was the last guy you'd ever have thought would get into an affair. Afterwards, my friends told me so. My wife's friends told her so. I'd always been the complete boy-scout, good-dad, involved in my church, model employee, all o' that.

The whole time, at each step, I thought I could quit anytime I wanted.

And what I thought, and what others thought, and what I said & professed, were all at odds with the things I was actually doing & allowing.

And the OW wasn't even "my type" either. She was needy as all hell, and in the limited time I'd known her, I'd always found her kind of annoying. But I sure liked those affirmations I started getting from her once I started helping her out with practicing some music, or with some advice on dealing with parenting issues, and then suddenly I was listening to her complain about her marriage; and part of me enjoyed being confided in, being relied upon, being "helpful." There's that slippery slope your husband has ventured out onto. And maybe he even thinks he can put a stop to it anytime. Fact is, if he could've, he would've already. Unless the other lady is his mom, her messages have already crossed a clear line.

You're telling me what you think. Again, I'm telling you what I know.

OK. So, my advice for you is, continue to snoop. See what you find as time goes by. Just don't be too surprised.
Good luck.

Thank you- I appreciate your insight completely. This sucks.


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Originally Posted by SFL
Ok- take back 'humor me' could someone please advise as if this is indeed the case? The best case scenario? I have plan B letter all ready. But not sure 'exposing' just a few texts makes sense. I've been snooping and snooping. I'd like to hire a PI- but he is there Monday through Thursday and for the PI to stake out from 8am-11pm? for 4 days would be quite costly. Would also love to get spyware on his phone but he has updated to the latest 7.1 which is currently unable to be jailbroken.

No one is asking you to expose "just a few texts." This characterization is your denial of his affair. You are very deep in denial. Those texts are PROOF of an affair. An affair that you want to deny.

Quote
Thinking maybe I could hire a PI from 6pm to 11pm only as odds are nothing would happen during work hours. That would still be costly and not an amount that I have in any account that is not joint. frown

I think it will take you getting photos of them together at his place to wake you up so I think that is a great idea.

HOWEVER, you need to know more about the OW. Is she married? Where does she live? Does she have children? Go find this out TODAY so you can hire this PI to follow them more strategically.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
HOWEVER, you need to know more about the OW. Is she married? Where does she live? Does she have children? Go find this out TODAY so you can hire this PI to follow them more strategically.

She is a single, party girl with a couple of boyfriends, no children. Not sure of her address.


BS
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