When my husband and I stared dating we both agreed that one of our top values was honesty and openness no matter what. This is a huge need of mine, and he said his too. Well shortly after we got married the first lie came out (that I know of). He looked at porn (something he promised he would not do back when we were dating-so was double whammy) and when I asked him he said he didn't go to any such sites. He kept lieing to my face, even when I showed him the browsing history. He tried to give me a lame excuse that he 'put it out of his mind' so had forgotten! He did it that day not like months ago!!! I tried to work it out even after this. He said he'd be 100% honest and open and agreed to a tracker on his phone and all that. But that wasn't the last lie. Some have been 'small' but since trust is broken it hurts all the same. He says he lies because he doesn't want to look bad, course doesn't sink in that lieing makes his look a lot worse. I told him if he was on probation for being late at work I bet he'd make sure to be on time 100% and that he's been on probation since the 1st lie so why can't he put same effort with us as he would with his job? He genuinely loves me and wants to make things work. But we can not move forward with him lieing over and over and I can't handle this standstill for much longer And I do not know how to trust him now, I question everything. Please help

livn4God

Great user name and welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm so sorry to here that you are going through this. I have a few questions that help me and others understand what is going on.

How long have you been married?
How long did you date before getting married?
Did you live together before marriage? If so for how long?

You said you guys talked about porn before marriage. Did he struggle with porn before you were married?

Thank you.
How long have you been married?
We have only been married since Sept 2013.

How long did you date before getting married?
We dated about a year before getting married.

Did you live together before marriage? If so for how long?
Yes, only due to our leases being up for both of us and wedding date was already set with family, otherwise we would've gotten married before hand. Was only for a few months before the wedding.

As for the pron talk. He said he didn't look at that stuff at all so would not be an issue in our marriage. Yet he did look at it shortly after our marriage (actually my bad was while we were engaged). And now am finding out that he looked at it regularly when he was single and even when things were bad between his ex wife and him. I wouldn't say he struggles with it provided his intimacy need is being met.

But out the many lies he's told only two have been about porn. So that isn't our struggle per say.

I know the problem is that he is not being honest with you. I think the porn is bigger deal then he is letting you know. I would take him up on his agreement to allow you transparence. If he then starts resisting when you implementing the processions, then you know it was just gesture to pacify you.

You should setup things that make both of your lives transparent weather you think there is anything or not because the proof of nothing will add love units to you bank and help you trust him more.

If he hasn't read Dr H.'s basic concepts you should invite him to do so.

Then ask him if he would be willing to follow The Policy of Radical Honesty. If porn is a problem for him you are going to have a hard time stoping him from being honest with you. He may say that as long as he gets his sexual needs meet (in other words your fault), that he will not use porn. I can tell you as a man that has been victories over porn (with God's power) and who have help others do the same, I can tell you the two have nothing to do with each other, except porn affects his sex with you.

Also make sure that you are creating a space for him to be honest. I have found that some spouse have a hard time not being disrespectful, angry and demanding when they are presented with honesty. It is OK to respond with you honest feelings about what you just heard from him but you can not do that with anger, disrespect, or demands. For honesty to work your marriage you have to give him the space to be honest and he has to be honest and visa versa.

I hard about his ex-wife. Does that make you his 2nd wife or was their once before her?
Is this you first marriage?

Dr. H recommends that a couple should speak as many exes as they can before getting married. Did you speak to his ex before getting married to find out from her why it didn't work?

Oh I put on all kinds of trackers since the 1st lie. On his phone, tablet an computer. His phone has a website blocker (NetNanny), sms/call tracker (Mobile Spy), app tracker (Covenant Eyes) and gps tracker (Life360). But of course there a ways around everything and that is how the 2nd porn lie happened. He tells me he's not going to those sites and tracker isn't blocking everything so how would I know for sure?
Also he gave me all his passwords (phone, email and such-which I check often).

Will talk to him about the Concepts and Policy.

He is my fourth and I am his third marriage. We have not talked to each other's exs. He has met my second husband as we exchange kids but that's all the talking they have done.

I have seen men do amazing and very time consuming thing to get around porn filters. And, I have known men that have watched it at work even though they know the boss could track it. OpenDNS blocks everything on your network and does a great job at it. Plus it's free.

Do you know what happened to not make him succeed in his other two marriages? If you don't would he be willing to allow you to talk to them? Dr. H. recommends talking to them not only to know if this wouldn't work but to be able to make a plan that will prevent you guys from failing in the same areas.

You may find out that his lack of transparence may of been what made their marriage to him not work (which is the main reason why women leave men). If that is the case you may have to tell him what you have learned and work out a plan to eliminate that habit.

OpenDNS doesn't work on Android dose it?

We spoke last night about Dr H.'s basic concepts and The Policy of Radical Honesty. He agrees to all of it.

I don't think he knows how to contact his 1st wife but his 2nd one is on facebook and when I read the part about Dr H advising to speak with exs he had no issues with that.

But we have talked a lot about what went wrong with his last two marriages. I asked him again last night what they would say went wrong and he said: First one was due to financial situation and that he shut down from her. She left him. He would add for him was done because she used sex as a way to get her way. Second wife would say he didn't spend enough time with stepsons. And that he was to boring for her and wanted out. He adds was also because she put her teenager sons above him. And would undermine his authority, the last straw was when the son took a knife out at him and his ex said was his fault.

Not sure how I feel about opening that can of worms with his exs now that we are married.

Forgot to add that we do have a husband and wife that use to be friends with him and the second wife that stayed friends with him, and when the wife and I talked she said there was definitely issues with how his ex would undermine his authority with the stepsons and that she sees that our marriage is a much better fit. His family seems to be on the same page.

PS

Sorry didn't say this before but Praise to God for you overcoming the porn addiction.

I just am not sure if he's truly willing to be 100% honest with me, even though he says he does.

He admits that he's not that transparent and knows that is one of his weaknesses. Although he's been pretty good about expressing his thoughts and feelings with me. And doesn't have any need for privacy so is fine with me having access to everything. We have had several talks about how the little details make a huge difference too. One of our fights was when he opened an email that ended up being porn(told me he didn't know and deleted as soon as he did-course with no trust I don't believe him). But the problem is he never told me about it I found out! He said he didn't think about telling me because he didn't go to the site and was mistake that he opened it. So even with all our talks he still doesn't get how important it is to have told me this.

I definitely get mad when I have to 'uncover' his lies and when I ask him about it and he lies to my face. Then when given proof he gives me a lame excuse about 'forgetting'. Yes I expressed angry and hurt. And with the lies after that I have expressed hurt, disappointment and disgust (not yelling though). The one time he was honest about something I didn't say much of anything. But have expressed am thankful he was honest that time. But when I have to 'force' the truth out of him I react way different. And these feelings carry over day after day.

I am coming from the side of being dishonest to my wife. We have since separated. I know first hand how much the porn viewing can hurt and am learning what it feels like from the other side. Have you told him exactly how it makes you feel, my wife felt like it was cheating to her. I don't know what it does to you, but if you can express your true feelings, in a kind way, it may help him to understand how much hurt he is causing. Maybe even ask him if there is a need not being met, something causing him to continue to go back to that form of fullfillment.

One other thing, don't let it keep going. The longer the hurt sticks around the worse your feelings will get. At some point you could even begin to have feelings of true hatred or at least very bad disgust. Once thise set in its very hard to get them out.

Your husband sounds like a freeloader.

Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2332882

His own biased comments about his former marriages make it clear that he is content to coast along with very low-maintenance/low-involvement marriage and is only there to do the bare minimum.

I admit I do not have much experience in dealing with freeloaders while married, I hope another experienced poster will be here soon to assist.

Yes he is fully aware of how that hurts me. It was a discussion from day one as have been hurt by it from the past so is no room for it in my life at all. His bigger issue is lying to 'not get in trouble'. As he lies about anything that may make him 'look bad' in my eyes.

I do feel those are creeping up

Interesting you bring this up, is exactly what I told him last night. That he wants a wife to fulfill his needs but no effort to supply her needs. He is very self-focused and have told him that many times. And he doesn't want ME otherwise what hurts me would hurt him and what is important to me would be important to him.

I think he is more of a renter then a freeloader because he is willing to give temporary care for you as long as he feels he is getting something back for it. A freeloader would of left you before allow you to put spyware on his phone.

Careful. You are making Disrespectful Judgements, and they will not get you what you need.

The good news is that if your husband will commit to building a romantic marriage with you, then all these problems can be overcome. You can have a happy marriage.

Have you introduced this program to him? Will he sign up with an account and post?

I suggest you get the book "Lovebusters" and read through it together. It will help you both stop the destructive behaviors that are destroying your marriage.

Not sure he is either. Not a freeloader (have dated one of those, not him by far) Renter? Don't think so. He does make a lot of adjustments, I have asked for him to spend more family time and help around house and stuff like that and he does without a thought. And he's not getting all of his needs met. If I ask for specific things like "tell me when you get a text message" he will but won't think past that and apply it to say "email or call", unless I add that. So no idea what I am working with here?

I think he may be working towards becoming a buyer. Buyer do not sacrifice because they understand that they can not sustain that for the rest of their life and it is not honest. Buyers see no need to not being honest about there emotions. If they sacrifice it for a short time so they can build a more permeant change. I think right now he is still a renter but I think he can change into a buyer. The concepts that are shared on MB is automatic for buyers.

When I was lying it wasn't because I looked bad, it was out if fear. I know it would be hard, but try to understand his feelings as well. Really try to find out what he is missing, that he needs the stimulation from it. If he keeps doing it, lay out your feelings again and possibly try to get deeper into his.