Your reaction is discouraging honesty on her part, btw. She told you that contact had been broken, and instead of being grateful that she is taking steps to prevent it from ever happening again, you are judging her feelings. It is a very painful thing to be told you are not feeling the right way. If something like this ever happens again, she may be tempted to not be so honest.

Stop judging her. If she were curled up on the floor writhing in pain over it, it would not make you feel any better. If she were sobbing and begging, it would not make you feel any better long term. Actions are what will make you feel better, and she has taken those. Now is the time to stop dwelling on the pain of the recent offence and to start healing.

What two specific reasons did you give her? This was a suggestion to make admiration love bank deposits.

Remember - you don't feel like admiring her right now. But feelings follow actions, and if you will make these deposits, her feelings will come around, and then her actions will come around and she will make deposits, and your feelings will come around.

I told her she was pretty and a good mother to our children.

Good - I was worried you left that out. How are things today?

Today, we are just not talking about it. I apologized this morning.

That's good. Don't discuss it again.
What are you doing to make love bank deposits?

Do you mean all of the time or just tonight? Tonight we went to a food festival uptown. It was a good time. I made sure to grab her hand and hold it as we were walking around. That's on her affection list.

We just had a good time walking around and talking about nothing and people watching.

When we got back home, my mother had locked us out of the house by accident, which caused FC to get irritated and then she went to change our sleeping daughters diaper and woke her up. So that means she has to lay with her until she goes to sleep. I offered to do it instead, but she wouldn't let me.

Sounds like a good start putting things back together again. Look for ways to make massive deposits tomorrow.

Back in 2010 I made a series of posts on this site at extremely odd hours while sitting up with a baby in my lap who wouldn't go back to sleep. Here's hoping neither one of you are up that late tonight.

FTF, you might learn more about the kind of admiring comments FC likes. I prefer really specific comments from Taffy.

For example, instead of "You're pretty" I'd like "Wow, you're eyes are really blue today."
Instead of "You're a good Mom", I'd like "Hon, you did a great job in planning DS's birthday event."

By being really specific, less general, in his admiration, Taffy is showing that he is really paying attention to me on an ongoing basis. And the comments seem more genuine. And he is training himself to really NOTICE me, and appreciate the little things. Which creates more admiration of me...

Which makes me feel more cherished...

That's a good suggestion and easy to do. Thanks.

Things have settled down quite a bit now. We just haven't talked about the subject again. FC has been moving forward with the changes still though and asked me last night how to change her number.

We were going along pretty good and this just all blew up so fast. Talk about stepping into a minefield!

Those can be deadly to recovery if not handled with care.
Glad to hear things are settling down. Keep making deposits and avoiding love busters. And keep in mind this has set your recovery back a bit. It's going to take a little while to regain the ground you have lost.

That is all good to hear. She's addressing your complaint, and the fight has stopped = there's a lot of reason to be optimistc for the future.

After talking with our coach today I think we have hit on something. I make my W mad at me. I'm not sure how often, but she describes it as little things that she "brushes aside". I think if I can get her pointing these out to me every time it happens instead of "letting it go" I'll have a chance at bringing the walls down.

Yes, she needs to complain more!

You need to be very careful how you respond when she does. If there is even a hint of irritation or judgement, she will shut down.

Markos and I have set it up where I can send him a complaint through email. Some couples use a notebook. I word it simply: "It bothered me when you ..." The only response he sends back is something along the lines of: "Thank you for letting me know." He may suggest what he will do differently (if needed), but what he DOESN'T do is debate it, or defend himself, or make a judgemental comment about how I feel.

This morning at about 4AM I awoke to my W crying in the bed next to me. I said "What's wrong?" and went to hug her and she pulled away and jumped out of the bed and left the room. I waited a few minutes and went to find her. I asked her if she was OK and if she wanted to talk about what was bothering her and she said she just wanted to be alone, so I left and went back to bed. Later, when I woke up, I asked her if she was OK and she said she was fine now.

Do I just forget about it?

I wouldn't forget about it, but I would be very careful to avoid pressuring her or making her feel like you are demanding a response.

If it were me, I think I would write a note or a letter (probably an email in our marriage, but I'm not sure if you guys do stuff more electronically or on paper) something like this:

"Darling,

I love you more than anything in the world. I saw you crying last night, and I am worried that I am causing you unhappiness. I would love to know what was making you so upset. If it is something that I am doing or not doing, I want to know so that I can avoid causing you unhappiness. And if it is something that I am not the cause, I would still greatly appreciate the chance to be your partner in facing it and hopefully overcoming it.

You deserve the best in life, and I want to spend the rest of our lives making each other happy. I love you because you do so much for me, and if I can support you in whatever you are facing it would mean the world to me.

Love,
FtF"

I wouldn't.

The last time my wife did anything like that to me was when she was starting her affair. Something is up. You need to figure out what it is.

Me too, which is partly why it freaks me out so much. But I don't think that's what it is this time. If I had to guess, I would say it has something to do with not having friends she goes out with or maybe not having a job to go to.

I'll try the email and see what happens. Probably a better idea than verbal.

Now, she might come back and say she is unhappy because she needs to go back to teaching, etc. - in which case I would answer by going back to how you will feel better about that after she is in love with you again. (That is what Dr. Harley said on your radio show if I remember right.)

But it might be something else entirely. It might be something you did or said yesterday that she felt was disrespectful. Solicit these complaints, and act on them promptly.

It might be that she is upset about your housing situation or other circumstances in life. I would be thinking about what things she might be unhappy about and what things could change or be sped up to get to a happier lifestyle for her sooner.

It might be that in the end, she is feeling lonely - not enough conversation, not enough admiration, not enough affection.