Let me also mention that me waking up and finding Prisca sleepless and/or crying was a very common occurrence during our years of marital trouble.

My suggestion above is what I wish I had done, knowing what I know now.

Well, I wrote the email. She says she can talk about it tonight. I told her I'd let her bring it up.

That sounds good - focus on listening. Accept any complaints she makes with gratitude for the information she is sharing, because this is the roadmap to help you succeed.

Our MB coach Kim used to constantly tell me to be careful not to do anything to make Prisca clam up - it was hard for any of us to get information out of her about how she was feeling, and when it came I usually reacted with shock, disrespect, and anger, which made the problem a million times worse and made it that much harder the next time to get information.

FTF,

This morning at about 4AM I awoke to my W crying in the bed next to me.

Perhaps she had a dream about OM, and this made her realize how much she has lost in her life. Had she never cheated her friend who is now blacklisted would still be a confidante, she would still have your innocent trust, her name would be clean etc.

God Bless
Gamma

We talked about it. FC feels she has no purpose in life. She needs something to do that makes her feel like she is doing something important. I just listened and talked it through with her. I think major LB deposits were made.

Good. I would keep talking about it. And if you can find something to do together that she feels is important and meaningful, she will probably be thrilled.

Prisca and I have a number of callings that we feel are very meaningful and we feel make our life exciting. We participate in them together.

Boy, I can relate to your wife so much with this part and the part about irritations that you just shrug off because you feel like you don't have a right to be upset about them.

Keep doing what you are doing.. I think this is very, very, very hopeful. You are addressing these areas. Don't look at it as a setback, but rather how vulnerable she is being to you which will be true intimacy. keep up the good work.

Our anniversary was Tuesday. This weekend we are going on a trip by ourselves to a romantic destination.

My W revealed to me on Tuesday that she is not looking forward to the trip because she feels like sex will be expected. She also revealed that she likes the fact that our current living environment gives her a good excuse not to have sex. We move to the new place on July 25th.

She said that she would rather I say "If it happens it happens". Like no big deal.

The problem with that is it's not honest. SF is a big part of the romantic experience for me.

All I could tell her was that I was committed to not punishing her for not having sex. She seemed to be somewhat relieved to hear that.

VERY good answer!

FTF,

How about a change of plans and go visiting civil war battle fields you might save some money. Perhaps lighthouses would be too suggestive.

Did Dr H advise you or your W to do anything specifically to reignite your W's passion for you?

You are handling this situation well, but what is the long term solution, did Dr. H make a suggestion? I don't know what to do about this for myself either.

God Bless
Gamma

I have been advised to not pressure my W for sex at all.

I often think of an analogy that I read of Dr Harley's. I think it is somewhere in the private section of the forums but I can't find it. I've read so much in there I can't remember where I have seen it, so I'll try to paraphrase in my own words. No doubt poorly.

Having a need met in marriage that you can't get elsewhere is a bit like a prisoner chained to a wall who is dependent on the guard to bring him a drink of water. What's the best strategy for that prisoner to get all of the water he needs? Yelling at the guard and telling them how cruel they are for not bringing you water won't work very well.

What would work better instead would be to get the guard to actually want to bring you the water you need. But there is a trick to that as well, because the guard is going to be very suspicious that you are just playing nice because they have something you want. It's very hard to convince the guard that you aren't just pretending to be their pal just to get what you want from them.

It's a tough spot to be in for sure.

I don't think I have ever seen that analogy before, but it describes it perfectly.

mrEureka,

My wife, feuillecouleur, will be very quick to tell you that she did not have sex with the other man.

FTF,

You wrote, My wife, feuillecouleur, will be very quick to tell you that she did not have sex with the other man.

What does she call it then? I'm a bit confused.

God Bless
Gamma

It was a physical affair. SF is a broader concept than just a single act. So, Clintonesque definitions aside, I think the relevance remains.

BTW, my wife never had sex with her OM either, but she definitely had a PA.

And this is exactly why we don't talk about it. It solves nothing.

And the truth is that I really believe I wouldn't even really care or think about it anymore at all if I was having my needs met in such a way as to be in love.

What did she have? I thought she did have sex with him?

It's in my first post in this thread. She says they didn't have intercourse. I'm not sure I actually believe her to be honest but how would I know for sure? My only choice at this point seems to be let it go as much as I can. I've reasoned that it doesn't really matter as a point of fact for our recovery to be a success. Although, if I was sure about the truth I sure would feel better about it.

I do believe that if we were in love though, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

You are correct. At this point, what she did or did not do with OM is irrelevant to your recovery. Talking about the affair and what she did or did not do would only be destructive to recovery.

We are officially in our new home. Dr. Harley felt like our living arrangements for the past five months have been holding us back. He expects us to see great improvements now that we have our new space. I believe he may be right.