You are ABSOLUTELY right. That is the real danger. And be aware that he is probably not violent at all. News of adultery is the worst news a person can get. It can be as devastating as the death of a child, except it is done purposely. So some people react in irrational ways at first.

You do have this man at the top of your exposure list, right?

Very proud of how you are approaching this, Hosea.

I'm using free services to locate names of family associated with the other woman and her husband - but some of them are not on Facebook (or are blocked from me - the other woman blocked all her friends from me, for instance, I only see friends we have in common).

I'm looking at "BeenVerified" and "Intellius" for researching - does anyone have recommendations for other means of locating people's contact info?

If you can see any pictures on the OW's facebook page, look at the names who have commented or liked them. That can sometimes lead you to other prospects. If you can find just one of her family members, you can likely find others from their pages. Have you searched her husbands or children's names on facebook?

Can you get into your wifes facebook page?

I can't get into my wife's account - I can look at her page. However, the other woman makes a point not to comment on her page.

I found the family names and accounts on facebook through one of her kids accounts. However, her father - a key contact - is a technophobe. I may have found him on BeenVerified - but I have to spend $25 - $60 (depending on how long I want the rights 1 month to 6 months) to see the details. Small price to pay, honestly. I just want to be sure I get the most bang for the buck.

I do have a friend who is a friend of the other woman who might be able to view her page and I'm trying to get them to meet me today or tomorrow. Then I can see the full list of friends on her page.

The other woman's husband doesn't use facebook often (has a page that hasn't been updated in nearly a year), won't respond to my emails or my voicemails and doesn't have a direct line at the office. I may have to mail him something at his office (to prevent its interception).

I like your idea of mailing something to him at the office and then maybe you can call him to follow up. I would include your phone # [and your wife's] in your letter so he can call you.

I find that very odd that he wouldn't respond to your attempts to contct him. How do you explain that? You and him should be allies and it is in his best interest to collaborate with you. Why do you think he would view you as an enemy? Is it because the OW has spun the story to him?

He doesn't believe there is an affair, does he?

You did save the evidence, right?

I think he believes that I am encouraging the affair. He may even believe that I'm orchestrating it to pull his wife into a triad relationship. (This is based on various snippets of conversation with my wife over the years - he has never told me anything, nor I him - I also wonder if this is part of a story that they have spun together to keep he and I from becoming allies.)

He had a ton of evidence 2 years ago - even a hand written letter from my wife apologizing.

I am going to try to enlist his alliance....

The evidence is all in email - and a few journal entries that I still have.

It would be great if you could speak to him because I suspect he has been brainwashed with lies about you.


I expect that she and the OW will explain away their affair and spin you as the crazy kook so people won't believe you. For that reason, I would open up a website and post the evidence. When you do the exposure, you can send along the link so people can see for themselves. That neutralizes their ability to lie about you.

If you check out my exposure thread, read the post by rainysweet. She gives instructions on how to set up a free website for this purpose. If that doesn't work, you could set up a special facebook page and upload the evidence.

And when you expose, I would not get lost in the weeds with too many details. Just state outright that "my wife and OW have been having an affair for X years. I found the evidence, which can be seen at this link: ________ and WW admitted her adultery. The affair continues to this day and she refuses to end it."

Please post your letter before you send it so we can give you feedback.

All of my evidence is from 2 1/2 years ago. She can claim with her friends that "stuff happened and we've repented of it, forgiven each other and moved on - he's paranoid, jealous and delusional."

I snooped a little tonight - she changed her phone password, but keyed it in when she didn't know I could see it and I looked at her messages.

Aside from some mild flirtation (comments that could be taken innocently) there is nothing to support an ongoing affair. Yes, the emotional affair is still there. She's still telling her friends all about my faults and failings - and even misrepresenting things that happened to garner their support and her appearance of being a victim.

However, there's no current evidence that I could find. Lots of requests to talk voice - so she could just be avoiding saying anything that could be subpoenaed by keeping it all in voice.

I did discover that the counselor that she's seeing has urged her to leave me - and she said she won't. And the friend that I mentioned before is encouraging her to stand up for herself against me, to demand more time away from me and both she and the affair partner mocked me back and forth with my wife (who seemed to be eating it up).

I also found it interesting that my wife indicated to the other woman that I was "wanted some" on the nights where my wife pushed for sex (because I've been following the advice of a counselor not to ask for or initiate sex for two weeks and we're still in that time frame). She made it seem like I was asking for it, but she's the one who aggressively initiated it.

I'm afraid I'm second-guessing myself again...

I just finished chapter 11 of Surviving an Affair. Still wondering about showing affection (reaching for her hand, hugs, kisses, initiating sex, sending cards, poetry, leaving notes, sending flowers, daily text expressing appreciation, emails expressiong admiration, etc.) - should I do those things?

You do have evidence of continued contact, though. So you can post the direct evidence from 2 yrs ago along with the evidence of the continued contact. Only a moron would believe that an affair transformed into a "friendship." That is like an alcoholic changing the names of his drinks to "business drinks" and proclaiming himself as sober. If your wife and her OW want to claim such silliness, let them make fools of themselves making excuses. And that is exactly what it will sound like to any rational person: an excuse.


Of course.


This is why we don't encourage counseling. This is the typical outcome.


Yes! Try to open up a friendly conversation with her via text, send her love notes and do things she likes. And whatever you do, don't lovebust her!

Should the exposure go to *all* my wife's facebook friends? Some of them may see this as an opportunity to move in...

And some of them are people that she never talks to, but knew in high-school.

Should I be selective?

Here is the letter I am currently working on:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of WS and me. I am saddened to have discovered that she has been carrying on an affair with a girlfriend � OW, who resides in Location since September 2011. OW is also married and has young children.

WS refuses to end the affair. I want our marriage to recover from this affair. If you have any influence on my wife, please do what you can to get her to stop this dangerous affair. I want to stay married, but the affair must end.

OWH, the husband of OW, has threatened to kill my wife, to kill me, to kill our children and to kill OW if they continue to communicate � and still WS insists on maintaining 15+ hours weekly of voice contact, 2-3 weekly shopping trips and long weekly bike rides with OW � in addition to school field trips together. My wife asked me not to file orders of protection against OWH and OW because she didn�t want this affair to come to light. (OW has had a previous relationship with another woman named M and has admitted that she is bisexual and is in love with WS.)

I have the proof of my statements if anyone needs to see them.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with WS to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end the affair. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

All of WS�s friends who know about it (except one) have told her to end the relationship. To Bad Friend, I just want to remind you that by encouraging her friendship and association with OW, you are enabling the affair � and you bear that guilt before God.

Our marriage can survive and recover from this affair � but first the affair, the friendship and the association with OW must end. Only then can our healing begin.

I would appreciate your support and prayers.

Warmest regards,

oh no, don't send to her facebook contacts. Facebook exposure is for the affair partner. Just contact her closest friends and family. It would be nice if you could CALL the closest members, like her mom, dad, sister and then email the rest of them.

I really like that!! Good job, Hosea!

So when are you exposing?

AH! I could've made a big mistake there! I was thinking I should expose to all my wife's friends.

Let me be sure I understand:

Expose to all the other woman's friends and family (including common friends she shares with my wife).

Expose to my wife's family and close friends.

This basically means that everyone they work with together in the small school will be notified - including the administration and some of the parents.

As for when the exposure is happening? I'm still digging into the other woman's facebook. I finally found someone who is a friend of hers who is sympathetic to my cause and we're meeting this weekend to look at her page and get all her friends.

I'm also lacking her father's contact info - but I think I found her mom and siblings.

Once I have all my ducks in a row and have a solid understanding of exactly what I'm doing, I'll post that for a final review and then ...

... tsunami.

Yep!


Yep!


I would focus on exposing to the OW's family, and close friends. You will want to send a separate letter to the administration.


You are very clever and creative. That is what it takes!!


Perfect.


You are doing an excellent job of being strategic and methodical. This approach will garner the greatest impact for your efforts!