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Jayson,
Let me ask you this, do you keep old girlfriends or women you were previously intimate in your life? Probably not because they are a temptation just waiting for the right moment.
God Bless
Gamma
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You all may be right. It might not be the fact that I feel I can ask it of them. Which is weird since they have both caused so much damage. I just feel like our marriage is at a good place right now and doing some of this will cause problems. But I guess if my wife isn't willing, than maybe the marriage needs to end?
I don't hate the friend, I speak to her when I see her, I've never been ugly towards her. But her friend never apologized to me, and it seems the friend was more worried about their friendship being ruined than messing up our marriage.
I am so torn.
I don't even know how to imitate the conversation. Do I just need to tell her, that I don't think we can move forward and completely fix out marriage unless contact with her friend is stopped?
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But I guess if my wife isn't willing, than maybe the marriage needs to end? Bingo. But her friend never apologized to me, and it seems the friend was more worried about their friendship being ruined than messing up our marriage. She is not a friend to your marriage. She is also a trigger reminding you of the trauma. Me, I hate a certain song because it takes me right back to DDay. Like PTSD. I couldn't bear being anywhere near the OW's presence - even if she was the sorriest OW there ever was, it makes no difference to her being a trigger.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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You can't make her end their relationship. That is HER decision. You can express your concern, let her know what you want, establish your boundaries, enforce your boundaries and then live your life accordingly. She gets to decide if she wants to live a life with you under those circumstances or she can choose to make other decisions. Either way, that will be the very best thing to happen. How do I go about that? Let her know how uncomfortable it makes me feel and now would she feel if I the shoe was on the other foot? I do have a bit of anger towards the friend because she's never showed any remorse. I just feel like my wife could've have continued and I would have had no idea. None what's so ever.
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I don't even know how to imitate the conversation. Do I just need to tell her, that I don't think we can move forward and completely fix out marriage unless contact with her friend is stopped? Not just that, you need to give her the entire list of conditions and tell her that's what it will take for recovery to happen. It will create a more romantic marriage too. Did you ever expose? If not, don't discuss that aspect with her.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I don't even know how to imitate the conversation. Do I just need to tell her, that I don't think we can move forward and completely fix out marriage unless contact with her friend is stopped? Not just that, you need to give her the entire list of conditions and tell her that's what it will take for recovery to happen. It will create a more romantic marriage too. Did you ever expose? If not, don't discuss that aspect with her. Did I fid out? No. I've never came across anything that shows she is being unfaithful. And I have snooped pretty good. She came and told me.
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Here's the template No Contact letter from MB. You can print it out and ask your wife to send her the letter. She would sign it and you would send it, then you would work together to close off every single way they could get together. If you live close to the OW, you ought to consider moving away. If she asks why now, tell her that the continuing contact you have allowed was a mistake and that you don't want her seeing the OW any longer, that it's bad for you and bad for the marriage. Template No Contact Letter
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Jayson,
Are you going to inform that OW boyfriend what happened? He can be a valuable ally.
Was your WW tested for STD?
Do you have children?
God Bless
Gamma
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No boyfriend any longer. No STD testing, but wife said there was kissing, feeling on each other and touching.
We have 1 child.
Last edited by MBeliever; 06/18/14 01:37 PM. Reason: removed graphic wording
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No boyfriend any longer. No STD testing, but wife said there was kissing, feeling on each other and touching. You just described a full blown affair. It seems to me it would be helpful to start following Dr. Harley's program. Basically expose, Plan A and, if need be, Plan B. Read the information in "Surviving an Affair-Start Here First" in this forum.
Last edited by MBeliever; 06/18/14 01:37 PM. Reason: Removed graphic wording
Me 52
WW 52
Together 25 years
Legally married 08/08/08
DD23
DS21
D-Day June 2011
Separated June 2013 (WW moved in with OW)
Plan B October 2013
I filed for D 12/11/14
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Jayson, BTW kissing is a way to catch HPV, which can lead to mouth, throat and other head cancers. From a STD standpoint kissing is about the same as oral. Kissing is way more intimate than "real sex" as anyone who's wife has grown cold to them feels that so bitterly. God Bless Gamma http://std.about.com/od/hpv/f/Does-Kissing-Lead-To-Hpv-Transmission.htm
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Jayson,
Does it make a difference to you that your wife cheated with another woman versus another man? Would you feel differently if it was a man? Would you still encourage a friendship?
Me 52
WW 52
Together 25 years
Legally married 08/08/08
DD23
DS21
D-Day June 2011
Separated June 2013 (WW moved in with OW)
Plan B October 2013
I filed for D 12/11/14
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BTW kissing is a way to catch HPV, which can lead to mouth, throat and other head cancers. From a STD standpoint kissing is about the same as oral.
Kissing is way more intimate than "real sex" as anyone who's wife has grown cold to them feels that so bitterly. Jayson, I'm in the midst of something kinda similar. Let me assure you... 1) Kissing is *worse* than sex. Kissing is intimate, emotional connection of the heart. Sex is just "physical release". 2) A woman can get oral herpes from kissing - and oral herpes can manifest genitally.
Last edited by Hosea1968; 06/18/14 02:17 PM.
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Jayson,
Does it make a difference to you that your wife cheated with another woman versus another man? Would you feel differently if it was a man? Would you still encourage a friendship? If it was a man I would for sure make them end their friendship and all contact. Maybe one of those double standards. I'm lost because when I posted this somewhere else the majority said not to force her to end the friendship. Maybe I need to let her know I am angry and hurt still and my wife not choosing to step back from the friendship didn't help, even though I said I wasn't going to make her end it. She never stepped back and allowed out marriage to breath and work towards fixing it. I don't know.
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Jayson,
Does it make a difference to you that your wife cheated with another woman versus another man? Would you feel differently if it was a man? Would you still encourage a friendship? If it was a man I would for sure make them end their friendship and all contact. Maybe one of those double standards. I'm lost because when I posted this somewhere else the majority said not to force her to end the friendship. Maybe I need to let her know I am angry and hurt still and my wife not choosing to step back from the friendship didn't help, even though I said I wasn't going to make her end it. She never stepped back and allowed out marriage to breath and work towards fixing it. I don't know. Most other people have no idea how to survive affairs, though. Dr. Harley is a professional psychologist who specializes in infidelity. He has helped thousands of couples recover their marriages and has seen just about everything imaginable. The first step in recovering from an affair is for your wife to NEVER see her affair partner again. It doesn't matter whether the affair partner is male or female. She needs to write a letter of No Contact and never see this person again.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Jayson,
Does it make a difference to you that your wife cheated with another woman versus another man? Would you feel differently if it was a man? Would you still encourage a friendship? If it was a man I would for sure make them end their friendship and all contact. Maybe one of those double standards. I'm lost because when I posted this somewhere else the majority said not to force her to end the friendship. Maybe I need to let her know I am angry and hurt still and my wife not choosing to step back from the friendship didn't help, even though I said I wasn't going to make her end it. She never stepped back and allowed out marriage to breath and work towards fixing it. I don't know. She can say no if she wants to, you respect her rights, but don't let her make you feel bad about very valid feelings. She either does something about them or she doesn't. You don't have to pack her up immediately either. Plan A her to make her value the marriage for some months before calling it quits. Just do NOT apologise for asking this insulting friendship to end. Lots of people come here after receiving bad advice elsewhere. What they've told you to do isn't even basic common sense. Keep the affair partner around indeed! I don't hear anything about exposure?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Jayson,
I can't imagine how the OW would feel safe around you, unless your W and OW look upon you as a fool. That the OW has the gall to visit you after having sex with your W is a really profound form of disrespect. Call the OW and inform her that any contact from this date constitutes grounds for dire consequences.
OW should not be seen as a "family friend" or "aunt" by your child either. OW is an enemy of your childs family.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 06/18/14 03:23 PM.
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If she values our marriage the friendship shouldn't matter, right? They both knew the consequences when they messed around. If I ever found out the friendship could end and my wife knew the consequences when she told me. Even if it was a spur of the moment, one time fling
The friend obviously doesn't vale out marriage. She never apologized, she was just worried about their friendship. Yet didn't worry when she initiated the contact with my wife.
Last edited by Jayson; 06/18/14 03:26 PM.
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If she values our marriage the friendship shouldn't matter, right? They both knew the consequences when they messed around. If I ever found out the friendship could end and my wife knew the consequences when she told me. Even if it was a sour of the moment, one time fling Your wife did the right thing by telling you. She should not have had the affair, but telling you about was absolutely the right thing to do. The next thing she needs to do is to send the No Contact letter and end this poisonous relationship. Are you going to insist that she end the friendship and send the letter?
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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You answered my question as I expected Jayson. I suspected you would insist your wife end a "friendship" with a man that actually has turned physical. You seem to see her affair with another woman as less threatening. That is dangerous thinking and will surely lead to more heartache down the road.
If maintaining (saving) your marriage is really important to you, I suggest you follow the advice you have been given and get to work exposing this affair! You are making excuses for your wife to continue her affair which will only make is worse for you. I understand that mentality (personal experience). I'm sorry to say, your methods will not be effective in strengthening your marriage. Your methods will allow your wife to continue to cake eat at your expense.
Me 52
WW 52
Together 25 years
Legally married 08/08/08
DD23
DS21
D-Day June 2011
Separated June 2013 (WW moved in with OW)
Plan B October 2013
I filed for D 12/11/14
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