Here is my story...

In December my husband and I got into a petty fight and he started saying things like this isn't fixable. I was 8 months pregnant with our third child. Two weeks later he moved out and got an apt. In January, he came to me and said what was really happening. He was having an affair with our neighbor starting in October. This couple and us were very close friends. We went on vacation together and our kids were friends. He said he wanted me and wanted to fix our marriage. We started counseling with no success. He wasn't willing to do the things that were asked. He has continued to see her. And progressively has gotten worse. He says he wants a divorce and that he wants to start a life with her. I have been in good Plan A since March I believe. He comes back and forth between the OW and me. More on her side unfortunately. At the end of April, he came to me and said he would move back into the house and would do whatever I wanted to try to fix our marriage. I said well communication with her needs to be cutoff. He wasn't willing to do that. He doesn't want to give up their "friendship" He claims just like he would never be able to give up ours. I also gave ways for us to work on our marriage such as the books and workbooks involved. Also by spending time together by dating, us time at night, doing little getaways and things like that. Well none of that happened. I continued to do Plan A. He stays away from the house quite a bit during the week. His lease on the apt. ends at the end of this month, June, so he has moved some stuff back into the house. He told me the day he did which I was not aware of that this doesn't change anything, that he still wants a divorce, that he still wants to see her that he wants to live separate lives including our bank accounts and so on. But if I want to live this way and not get a divorce than fine. He said he will not go behind my back to file for divorce. I told him no I will not separate our bank accounts. (FYI: I am a stay at home mom and have been since our first child was born. Plan to go back to work when our children are in school. That was always our plan.) I of course reassure that divorce is not what I want. We do not believe in divorce. That I am confident we can rebuild our marriage.

I have told him the OW is not allowed around our children and recently he has brought them around her twice. I told him not to put me in this position and he did. So I have talked to our children and let them know, on their level, what she is doing to our family. They don't know details obviously. My husband of course is not happy about it. He said you are just going to push me to file for divorce.

So I am about to go on a trip to my sister in laws for about three weeks to give me and the children some much needed us time. Possibly doing Plan B has crossed my mind. That this might be a good opportunity to do so bc honestly not how much more I can take. I get so angry with the what he is doing to our children. I don't like what he is doing to me as well but what he is doing to our children just makes me boil! But here is my thought process... I have an opportunity here with him in the house to meet his needs. (Although he spends a lot of time away from the house staying with her.) Plus I can totally tell it is pissing her off. She is constantly texting him. He is pushing me further away so that he cant feel things with me. I think she is really insecure about him being in the house. Plus there are other incidents that have happened. So do I give it more time for them to fizzle out. Part of me feels like I haven't given myself enough time to do Plan A. Then I think well maybe doing Plan B would show him what he is missing. I'm just not sure what my best option is right now. What is the best way for me to go? Do I go on the trip and then get back and continue with Plan A or do Plan B? Bc what I was planning for Plan B was letting him stay in the house but move his stuff into our guest bedroom and bathroom. Put a laundry basket in the room for him to do his laundry. He can check the mail in the appropriate slots. He can check the events in our electronic family calendar.

Hopefully I haven't left anything off. So your input is greatly appreciated.
Thank you!!

choosingjoy, I am sorry for the reason that brought you to this forum. You will get a lot of help here for your dreadful situation.

You found out about your H's affair six months ago and have been attempting Plan A for the entire time? How are you doing emotionally and physically? You are probably going to need to put an end to Plan A quickly, or you will suffer long-term physical harm from the intense stress of putting up with your H's affair. Also, any love you might have for your H is going to drain away.

To have any hope at all, the affair has to be killed completely. Have you exposed to everyone? Your family,your children, friends, clergy all need to know. You need the support and, if everyone knows about the A, it puts a lot of negative pressure on the waywards. Does the OW's husband know? Expose the affair wide and far.

You have been in Plan A for so long that the sooner you can into a good Plan B, the better. Have you seen a lawyer? You should get information on child support and spousal support. Get some of the family funds into a bank account of your own, because many waywards spend money wantonly and put their own families at great financial risk.

Make sure you are avoiding all love busters while you are setting things up for Plan B.

Read up on Exposure Here

You and your Husband both hung out with this neighbor "Couple", so i assume this OW is either married or living with her children's father.

Have YOU exposed the affair to that BH? (Betrayed Husband)

That is the BIG hole in everything you have done.

While someone is actively Wayward, they shut down their Love Bank to their own spouse, so All of your Plan A has had little to no effect, except for him to feel further entitled to continue doing what he has been doing, with NO Consequences. He enjoys having 2 women serve him cake. That is called Cake Eating.

If you want ANY efforts you are putting forth to have ANY success, then Blowing up their fantasy dream world without consequences is an absolute must.

Do you own Dr. Harley's book, Surviving An Affair? (SAA)

In it, you will find the precise formula to have the best chance of firstly breaking up their affair and then further, on how to reconcile and improve your marriage.

None of the worksheets or books will mean anything to him until you bust him out of his fantasy, aka, his Affair Fog.

Will you be willing to do the actions required to break up his fantasy lifestyle?

No Contact with this tramp is a MUST, which will require a No Contact Letter written by your H and approved and sent by you. Templates can be found on this site and other posters will post samples, when the time is right to do so.

First, Expose the affair.

Eventually, for your marriage to have any chance to reconcile, you will have to be far removed from the location anywhere near this Home Wrecking Tramp.

LTL

Hi CJ, welcome to Marriage Builders. The time for Plan A is long, long over. All you have done by staying in an extended Plan A is make yourself LESS attractive to your WS and inadvertently propped up the affair. I would not only go into Plan B [which means you change the locks and don't ever allow him in] but you MUST MOVE AWAY.

Abandon the house and get out of there. Living there is a hopeless situation because your marriage will never recover there. Your husband can't withdraw in that house and with moving and going into Plan B, he may follow you when his affair dies. But recovery is hopeless as long as you live there.

Additionally, have you exposed this affair wide and far? You say you told the kids "on their level" but I don't know what that means? To whom did you expose?n

THAT is not Plan B. That is called propping up the affair. Plan B is a SEPARATION.

Yes the other husband knows. My H told me and she told her BH the next day. All of their family knows. They are selling the house. She has moved into an apt. BH has moved with his parents. Not everyone in our family knows. He has been the one to tell most of his family. Our close friends know.

It is critical that you expose this affair. The affair has not been exposed if you have not done this yourself. Relying on the liars to expose themselves is unrealistic. That must be your first step along with changing your locks and going into plan b.

Please go read my thread on exposure for exposure tactics and templates. I would start by contacting the OWs husband first thing tomorrow and telling him all about the affair.

I have talked with the other husband. I have talked with my H family as well.

But do I give time to see how him being home will be? Especially since she is getting upset about it.

Do you have a GPS on his vehicle to make sure he isn't going over to OW's apartment? Has your WH changed all his contact information?

Who else knows on OW's side?

No I don't have a GPS. I know he is going over there. Sometimes he tells me. I know some of her friends know and a lot of her family. No my WH has not changed his contact info.

He is going where? To OW's apartment?

Sorry yes he is going over to her apt

So the affair isn't over at all.

Have you informed her BH of the continued contact? You need to expose wide and go into Plan B.

You need to expose her to her parents. Have you done this?

you need to get tough here. i know it's not your intention but you've been enabling him. do NOT let him waiver back in forth in the hopes that he will somehow come to his senses!

plan b, going completely and totally dark will help you get your bearings. i imagine you are very roughed up and might not be thinking straight. you need time to heal.

and plan b will force him to go to her. there will be conflict between them. much more than this agonizing form of competition you're in now.

i'm not trying to be harsh but he's lost respect for you. you haven't drawn a line in the sand or had any real conditions. you've got to put a stop to this. it's unhealthy and whether you realize it or not, you're letting him get away with this deplorable behavior.

expose to everyone in your own words (follow the plan in the link in melody lane's signature) and then close the door on him. you are worth so much more than this wishy washy, hurtful back and forth.

he is not going to snap out of this unless you take drastic action. even then, he might not snap out of it but at least you can come out of this feeling whole and healed.

i'm with melody on the idea of just leaving the house and moving away. first of all, your neighborhood and home is a huge trigger. you can't stay there whether you recover the marriage or not. second, it will shock the daylights out of your wayward husband and show him that choosing the affair is going to turn his life upside down.

the more you can show him this with your actions the better. don't make it easy for him to carry on like this. keeping the home warm and cozy while he's out having dirty time with her is no way to live.

Here is what you said above.

If he has been the one to tell the family and others don't know, then the affair is not exposed. When you say you talked to the other husband, what did you tell him EXACTLY?

This is not something that can be glossed over and swept under the rug.

Yes, give him about 2 weeks. You have already done this. You have done is so long that oyu made yourself look desperate and unattractive. This is why Dr Harley only advocates Plan A for 3-4 weeks. You are WAY over that.

Ma'am, if you want to have any hope here, you need to buck up and start fighting for your marriage. All I see here is a whole lot of enabling. And enabling does not save marriages. This is so far gone that I have serious doubts.

Expose the affair! Go into Plan B immediately! And move away.

He wants a divorce. He wants everything separate. He wants to set up a schedule of when we spend time with the kids. He avoids conversation with me. He does things with the kids withou me purposefully leaving me out. He won't go do stuf with us as a family. He doesn't want me to do things for him or meet his emotional needs. So does it hurt me to give him exactly what he wants? Am I just making it easier for him move on?