this is a great post. the one i'm referring to is titled something like "What you get when you marry your affair partner" or something along those lines. written by finding freedom i think?

here it is. by new creation.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2478315

You have to understand that it is NOT love to leave your family for a gold digging party girl. Their relationship is built on a rocky foundation of deception where they will never be able to trust each other because they each know what the other is capable of. Your WH will never find happiness that way... no matter how hard he tries to fool everyone.


Gold digging party girl will always be just that...a gold digging party girl. Good luck trying to build a loving and caring relationship with that.


Focus on your own personal recovery. Don't let your WH drag you down the road to ruin with him.

Thank you for this Pokerface!

Update:

I am doing Ok....

Found some medical lab reports dated 10/17 (last October) that grossed me out. Basically, October is when he started to get 'tempermental' and November is when he first told me he wanted to "take a break." Supposedly his first affair was in December (he's been slowly developing an EA with skank #2 which turned into a PA and he now "Loves.")

Back to the lab reports. there were several pages, with several tests. The first two I knew about- he was getting blood tests done by his doc to see if anything was wrong with his thyroid (he struggles with his weight.) On those first two test pages our home address was listed as the "Patient Address." Well the third page was tests for STD'S!!! The results were negative thank goodness but still.... why would he need to get tested for STD's? And on that page, the address listed was a P.O. box in a neighboring town. I can't believe it. 1) that he did anything prior to October during our marriage (and with me home alone changing our baby's diapers) to warrant an sTD test, and 2) that he has a PO box that mail goes to.

Damn I wish there was a way to get into that box.... searched for a key- but nothing.

Pokerface made just those sorts of cool posts on my thread as a newbie!

As to looking for a key - Why? I thought you were deadset on divorce?

If you really want to divorce, then don't look back. Let him and his nasty box of secrets sink into the mud. If you wanted to recover, well then obviously you would insist he show you everything at that recovery stage.

Just continue with the divorce process as perfunctorily as possible. Assume you need STD tests, assume he hides money, assume he is going to stiff you. Get it done but don't go looking for details.

Staying dark - whether Plan B ends in recovery or divorce - means spending as little time as possible thinking about him and misdeeds.

While it's a very tempting itch to scratch - what will you get out of it? How much time will you have to give to processing your findings? The only thing I can think of is it might identify a woman who is still in your circle, but exposure reactions should have sorted the wheat from the chaff anyway.

I was just giving an update.... Sharing with those that have been with me on this horrible ride. Why do I wish I had a key? More for the possible account hiding information I guess.... Yes, I am divorcing him.
Just sort of blown away and grossed out... and curious as to what "else" there is.

I can't say I blame you, anybody would wonder. Also that is what we are here for, to tell us what your mindset is, so that hopefully we can keep you dark. I know I would have had a lot more 'light' without this forum.

I'm just saying; weigh up what the knowledge would likely bring you. A few days of picturing another affair with details? Or perhaps it could bring you something of use like warning you of something you need to know.

In your shoes, if I had the key, I would give it to my IM and let them decide what I should know about it. I'd only want pertinent information, crimes, anything that affected safety of the children etc. Probably it is just an address he used for affair stuff.

You will wonder about this box for a few days, but without another hook to hang your thoughts on, your brain will get bored of it. However if you were to keep uncovering information, you would keep thinking about him.

The great gift of Plan B is it starves your brain of that information until you are forced to start thinking about yourself and your life. Every ten minutes thinking about him is ten minutes you could have spent on planning your new life.

He probably had the STD tests done so he could prove to OW that he was clean.
That is why he had them sent to another address. So he could get the reports and you wouldn't open them.

Yes... you are right,, right, right. I really wish I could get him out of my brain completely... Just when I think I'm close, Saturday creeps around and just knowing he is in the neighborhood gives me anxiety. I don't know why I worry so much about what he's portraying on FB and to his family... I guess I'm just shocked and hurt he's not only cheated on me but 'dumped' me and chosen another woman. My pride... it hurts and is embarrassing. I tortured myself and checked OW's twitter account and saw she posted photos of her and WH all dressed up at a Gala.... I need to stop torturing myself. I don't 'want' him anymore but hate that he doesn't want me and is with someone else.


How does the dark Plan B work 1 year from now? 5? Completely the same?

What is the protocol regarding occasionally texting a photo of the kids doing something crazy/funny/sweet? If I'm completely dark I wouldn't be texting/emailing at all but I thought I'd ask.... there was an adorable photo I captured today that had me think for about 2 seconds about wanting to sent to WH but I didn't. Most of the time I have no desire to share anything that he chose to miss out on but once in a blue moon I consider it... (but haven't done it).

You feel like this today because you're triggered. You're triggered because you checked out OWs twitter. You're going to take a step back in recovery every time you do something like that, instead of focusing on you. Twitter is the worst because you can't block it so it's a constant temptation - but it isn't worth it.

You need to crowd out anything that makes you think about him. For me, even stopping reading WH's horoscope helped a lot.



That would be a disaster I'm afraid. He would see the perfect opportunity to get his cake back - just what he is entitled to have. Bizarrely, they are never grateful for this but go right back to blame shifting and vile behaviour.

Also, you're in love with him and contact with him, unremorsefully cheating on you will hurt you. I don't love my WXH any more, but even contact with him would hurt me. The only way to describe it is like a victim being in contact with her rapist.



Give it time. If you are completely dark for around, six months, you will feel a lot better and you won't think about him. When your brain does not receive any information about a person it gets bored of that person. I felt the same way you do and these days I don't know if my x is alive or dead nor do I care.

After the two year period, most who have done it properly are very happy. They think it a crazy idea to get back in touch with their WH - what on earth for? Also, if you want to remarry, Dr H says it's a bad idea, and quite disrespectful to have contact with exes.

It's a permanent plan unless the WS gives you a full recovery. I know that contact with my xWH would unravel all my healing, I would find out more, stop thinking about me.. ....For what? An untrustworthy friend?

I know you want to show him what he is missing out on. Don't. He is in the crack house getting high and his opinion of anything is simply irrevelant to your shiny new plans.

I remember that I just wanted to find the truth about my life. I was shocked and disturbed by the level of thought and planning that my WH actually invested in his secret life. It was devastating and crippling until I put it all into perspective. Of course he had secret phones, email accounts, and credit cards, he was having an affair.


Hold your head high. There is no reason to be embarrassed because you have done nothing wrong. Most people I know feel badly for others that this has happened to and want to help them.

I have seen Plan B work miracles for those who maintain NC.

Hang in there.

Hi SFL, I'm also a BW. May I ask do you have anyone to help your two young children? Because I'm trying to figure out how to handle work and taking care of two kids by myself in plan B. Thanks a lot.

Thank you so much Indiegirl... really appreciate you taking the time. Everything you say makes completely makes sense.
Did you by chance have children when you went through this? Definitely makes dark PB harder... Doable of course, but harder. More excuses for him to try to get messages to me.

Thank you yet again Pokerface... Your empathy and experience really help. You all have done so much. I have good days and then moments of just "wth happened and how could this be??" I am so friggen scared of him eventually introducing OW in my kids lives I can't stand it... Need to just move on and be the best woman and best mom I can be.

Hi xbrain. So sorry to hear that you are going through this too.

I am fortunate that I don't "work." I have a small company I started on my own that brings in some money but definitely not enough to pay all the bills. WH is the breadwinner and I am getting by with his "less than half" deposit into our house account. I've been used to being a "single mom" slowly but surely for awhile now though as my WH took a job out of state. First he was gone 3 days a week, then 4. Now he's always gone and takes gets the kids (through an IM) all day saturday. I've actually learned to really love my Saturdays! My father also lives close by. He can't really help with my 16 month old (she is an active one!) but he can help here and there with picking up my 6 year old from school, etc. I used to really depend on WH for morning drop off and bath time as he was available for that for 6 years. But, again, the past 8 months has been a slow transformation to no help from him. I do also have a part time babysitter who helps out about 10 hours a week.

Thanks for sharing your experience, SFL. i definitely think stay-at-home mom is more difficult than working mom. That's why i try to hold on to my job besides the financial reason. Before my WH moving out, he always thought i couldn't live without him helping on the kids. Even though I asked MIL to help me with kids, it took me a great deal of courage to start this not-so-dark plan b. after 3 months of this, now i think with some adjustment, i probably could take care of kids without MIL, but still need WH's 3 visitations to relax a bit. Me too love the tue thu Sat visitation hours. i love to go shopping, go to beach, or go workout (until i got a tailbone fracture a couple weeks ago from ice skating with my DD).

sometimes i tell myself, it would just be tough for the first 2-3 years, after DS is 3+, life will be much easier.

SFL, how are you?

Hi Ever2Late- thanks for checking in!
I am actually doing quite well. Every day I am thankful for MB as I know that if it weren't for the coaching and for Plan B, I would not be healing as fast as I am.

A few bumps- WH took it upon himself to tell my 6 year old DS last Saturday at dinner, "Soon I will get you every Friday, Saturday and Sunday." Wth?! Very upset that he felt ok with bringing him in the middle when we have absolutely no final visitation orders in place.... I let the lawyers remind him that kind of conversation is inappropriate and not to take place again.

I am also working with a "life coach" (a girlfriend of mind gifted me a few sessions) and am blown away at how much she has helped. Mainly to stop living in the past and future, etc. I am thankful for her tools to move forward but am not sure I agree that eventually, I will so much see that this has been a "gift" that maybe, eventually, in the very distant future when I am fully healed and maybe even moved on and met someone else, be ok with some extent of "co-parenting" or a civil relationship. Not necessarily "friends." I know this doesn't go along with MB principals especially because Dr. Harley doesn't find it appropriate to maintain a relationship with an ex right? Just wondering if anyone experienced becoming even HAPPIER than they ever imagined and almost thankful that the nonsense happened so they could experience this new life?? And if that's the case would there really have to forever be a dark plan B? So NOT THERE by any means but I do see what she is saying as just 3 weeks ago, I never imagined being in such a happy, thankful place I am today.