Hello everyone, I'm new here and I need some help and guidance. First, a little background information about our relationship. My husband and I have been together for 8yrs but married for 4, we have two kids under 6. We are in our mid-20's. I am a stay home.

Recently, my husband began working in a new job where the girlfriend of his coworker works at. She instantly began asking him questions about her boyfriend, since they have a lot of problems. He told me about her and how she is going through a tough time, then mentioned twice how very very attractive she is since she is a model. Which triggered a red flag for me, when I looked at his messages, to my surprise they were talking a lot, meeting up for lunch breaks to smoke and talk. My husband became her personal therapist, and is giving her advise. By the way that is his career choice. He never once told me how the friendship was growing. I asked her if there was something going on between them, she reassured me there wasn't. I've met her and hung out with her 4 times and gotten to know her. I feel uncomfortable about the friendship and have let my husband know how it makes me feel. He doesn't have any friends which he can hang out and talk with except for her. I feel bad and guilty about having these negative feelings about their friendship when this is his first good friend since we met. He gets along better with women because he was raised with women, and I understand. On their other hand, she is a big flirt with every guy she's around and I saw it first hand, she messaged my husband when she needed help close to midnight, after me and her hung out but never messaged me. She sent a screen shot of her boyfriend sending explicit messages to her about having sex, and explains how she is sexuallly frustrated and needs to have sex even though her relationship is toxic. I explained to my husband how he needs to set boundaries with the friendship because it is NOT OK to talk about sex, or for her to call and message him at midnight.

He has explained himself well and has reassured me that it is strictly friendly and has no intention whatsoever with her. He even turns his phone on airplane mode when he is with us. He is also trying very hard to make me feel comfortable about their friendship, and for me to feel happy and loved.

I am trying really hard to accept the friendship they have, even if it makes me feel uncomfortable, just so my husband won't lose a good friend and resent me for it. She is a cool person and easy to get along with, she just needs a lot of help and support right now. So why does it make me feel uncomfortable? Anyone with some advise? He has read the articles on here about opposite sex friendships, and sees how it's best to end their friendship but he instantly looked disappointed and sad about it, which makes me feel horrible. Even if she also wants to hang out with me and have play dates with our kids. She is a single mom of two and divorced, going through a troubled relationship.

Do you know about the Policy of Joint Agreement? This is the foundational rule of a good marriage - Never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. Even if this friendship were completely innocent, if it makes you uncomfortable and you ask him to stop, he would need to stop.

In a marriage, we need to be very very careful about opposite sex (OS) friendships, because most affairs start out as a friendship. Your H should never EVER be discussing personal problems with a woman, his OR her problems.

Since your H finds her attractive, he should not be building a deeper friendship. It's pretty common to find a person of OS attractive; in these cases, Dr. Harley recommends that we tell our spouse of the attraction and then step away from the friendship, because it is SO easy to get into an affair.

Dr. Harley is a psychologist. There have been times when either he found a woman to be attractive, or a woman made it clear that she found him attractive. In either case, he ended the professional relationship, referring the woman to another psychologist.

I would end the relationship with this woman and tell your H that he should have no further contact with her.

It is much easier for your H to change his behavior, ending the relationship with this woman, than it will be for you to try and change your own troubled feelings about it. You can't accept it, and for good reason.

Did you live together before marrying?

Yes he does - he has you! That is what marriage is for!

I don't understand why you would feel bad and guilty - he is doing something you SHOULD be having negative feelings about! He is having an affair!

This is called "going on a date." He may call it something different, but it is still a DATE. A date meets emotional needs even if you don't call it a date. This is a date.


I don't understand why you asked if there was something going on between them when you already knew they were meeting up for lunch breaks. They are already dating. That is "something" even if she says there is not something. And of course waywards always say there is nothing going on, or try to call it something different. My wayward grandmother called it "Bible studies"! Wasn't she smart! It meets emotional needs no matter what you call it.


It meets emotional needs even if they aren't trying to meet emotional needs. Most affairs are not intentional.

It would be very dangerous for you to feel comfortable about your husband having female friends. Married men who have female friends usually have affairs. And your husband is already having one - he's dating this woman.

Oh no! The boundary he needs to set is NO OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS.


It's also not okay to meet up for lunch and talk and smoke! Your husband is dating another woman. It is just as damaging to your relationship even if they never talk about sex.

How much time do you and your husband spend alone without the kids? He is getting his escape time with another woman, when he needs to be getting it with you:

The Policy of Undivided Attention

It doesn't matter whether he or she has intentions or not. These two are already dating, already meeting emotional needs. Read how affairs start and progress:

How do Affairs Begin?

Anatomy of Adultery

chapter 13 of His Needs, Her Needs

Are you aware that the divorce rate among marriage counselors is astronomical? Therapists are in a profession that puts them very much at risk for an affair.

Somebody needs to "advise" him that he needs to KNOCK IT OFF.

Has your husband ever had an affair before, in this or a previous marriage?

mmt, welcome to Marriage Builders. You are rightly concerned about a major risk to your marriage. Do you want to know how affairs start? It is exactly this way. Go look at the thousands of affairs over on the Survivng an Affair forum. This is how they started. When one emotional need is being met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow. Your H is already well on the way to an affair.

Married people should not have opposite sex friendships. You are fully within your rights to ask him to end this "friendship" and to cease all other inappropriate relationship. It is very inappropriate for your husband to have this relationship.

Let him know the relationship is dangerous to your marriage and makes you extremely uncomfortable. He should gladly end the relationship and tell this woman it is highly inappropriate. IF HE DOESN'T YOUR RESENTMENT WILL DESTROY YOUR MARRIAGE.

If he won't end it, then you will know he places this relationship before his marriage and the problem is much greater than you thought.

Astonishing, but not surprising, that your husband is a "therapist." Most therapists don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. Your H has clearly crossed the line with this woman and in some states could lose his license.

Your gut is telling you something is wrong here. Listen!

This is the exact slippery slope that my H took in beginning his affair. It started as joking around, smoke breaks, lunches, proceeded to discussion about personal topics, turned into a highly sexual affair, and ended as the worst thing that ever happened to our marriage.

Ask your husband to never speak with this woman again. His response will tell you a great deal.

AM

Just so you know, Dr. Harley has said he feels this type of behavior is inexcusable from a counselor/therapist because they should know better. They also know how devastating affairs actually are. And he is doing this!

Yes, your husband is violating the ethical standards of his profession.

I'm not sure her husband is actually a therapist. She states counseling is his profession of choice. I'm not sure what that means. Does it mean he is interested in counseling/therapy or is he actually a therapist? I'm guessing he is not actually a therapist (they are pretty young) but is using the notion to entrench the relationship and cover for it.

I understood it to mean, As A Friend, he was acting as her personal therapist, not as a licensed professional.

She needs to clarify that point.

Here are her written words:
My husband became her personal therapist, and is giving her advise. By the way that is his career choice.

LTL

I don't think we need to get lost in the weeds here. The bottom line is that he should end his inappropriate relationship with this woman. The remedy does not change whether he is a licensed professional or not.

I've already pointed out that it doesn't matter what they call it. How could any clarification change that?

We see this pattern frequently here.