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Your mother isn't in a marriage - she's in a hurricane. Her motto- "Isn't almost drowning fun???"
Most A's don't get that far, but the ones that do are turbulent and angry. There is no happily ever after for adulterers. Think Tori Spelling.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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So saying that, if an affair isn't exposed properly, does that mean it never ends, or it just takes longer to end? Affairs usually die a natural death on their own. Exposure speeds up the death of the affair. By bringing it into the full light of day, the secrecy and fantasy crumbles and the partners experience conflict. This is provided that the betrayed spouse IS following Plan B AND is NOT enabling the affair (ie open marriage, swinging, etc). Very few affairs survive long term; Harley has explained that their relationships are based on such a lack of trust and care that they can't last.
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I have in the past listened to her problems and complaining about him. I think she senses though that I won't tolerate it anymore. But if you ever WANT to say: "Hey mum it is totally horrendous for me to listen to your affair info" - don't feel bad! Is it worth me holding out two years in Plan B? Is this affair still likely to blow up or should I just divorce?
I'm concerned I never exposed properly because everybody already knew about it and condones it.
So saying that, if an affair isn't exposed properly, does that mean it never ends, or it just takes longer to end? Why don't you ask Dr H about the difference? I don't see anything different but he might. Even when you do a full-blown exposure you get condoners. Then the fact the couple have really bad-back stabbing friends it is what helps them to self-destruct. I would email Doctor H but I'm scared he'll tell me it's over. So I guess I'll just stay in Plan B for now. I'm thinking of a total career change. Study will be involved but I think I can do it. I haven't been happy with my job for a while. My boss is sometimes rude one minute and nice the next. The crunch came for me today when she yelled at me on the phone and made me cry.
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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So saying that, if an affair isn't exposed properly, does that mean it never ends, or it just takes longer to end? Affairs usually die a natural death on their own. Exposure speeds up the death of the affair. By bringing it into the full light of day, the secrecy and fantasy crumbles and the partners experience conflict. This is provided that the betrayed spouse IS following Plan B AND is NOT enabling the affair (ie open marriage, swinging, etc). Very few affairs survive long term; Harley has explained that their relationships are based on such a lack of trust and care that they can't last. Thanks for that Jedi. Is there more on this in the updated SAA? I was wondering how much more information was in there than in the first book. I only have the first edition.
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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Your mother isn't in a marriage - she's in a hurricane. Her motto- "Isn't almost drowning fun???"
Most A's don't get that far, but the ones that do are turbulent and angry. There is no happily ever after for adulterers. Think Tori Spelling. Tori Spelling did come to mind. I often wonder how my Mum's affairage has lasted this long. I just don't understand. She's obviously not happy but seems to accept this as a way of life. I haven't seen you and your Mum around for a while! Good to see you back.
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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I'm thinking of a total career change. Study will be involved but I think I can do it. I haven't been happy with my job for a while. My boss is sometimes rude one minute and nice the next. The crunch came for me today when she yelled at me on the phone and made me cry. What an unprofessional bully. You need to get out of toxic environments like that and consider new horizons. The great thing about Plan B is it is not just an opportunity for a life change - it's compulsory! No PoJA, no putting anyone else first - all your energies go on creating a brilliant and totally brand new life. You review your bucket list, your career, your friends; everything - and one by one make them all sparkly. I did the same with better friends, a trip to India and I have a complete career change coming up. It's hard because early on in Plan B you feel a bit straggly and have very low energy - but every day you are getting stronger and making plans that slowly start to stack up. Maybe you could move and start over entirely. I didn't but considered it. Dr H advises that sometimes, and I think it is especially important when there are nightmare enabling relatives on either side of the marriage. That's because you won't run into them anymore (healing!) Upon the end of the A, the wayward spouse is more tempted to move away from the troublemakers and join the brand new spanking life you've made. If they don't - you'll still have the great life you've made.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Good advice Indie. A few of my ex-workmates told me what a mean person she was and not very professional. They all left but I stayed on because I needed the money.
I have seen her mean side a few times now. But then she cools off and is all nice again.
Well she's been mean one time too many now.
I'm looking into a few courses to see what I can do. I can't afford to leave my job yet but I do want to eventually if I can.
I have a feeling my divorce is coming and I don't want it. I know that now he has bought the house his parents will be pushing it and so will OW. I know deep down he doesn't want this, but I know he will do it because he is pressured.
So if I get divorced, does Plan B still apply? I obviously won't be starting up contact or anything but would I still wait the 2 years to see if his A ends? Is a divorce the be all and end all?
I do want to move too.
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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I would email Doctor H but I'm scared he'll tell me it's over. So I guess I'll just stay in Plan B for now. Why not email him anyway?
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I would email Doctor H but I'm scared he'll tell me it's over. So I guess I'll just stay in Plan B for now. Why not email him anyway? Because I don't want to hear the worst
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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I've been through so much pain and crying and with a divorce probably coming I just don't think I can handle anymore.
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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I would email Doctor H but I'm scared he'll tell me it's over. So I guess I'll just stay in Plan B for now. Why not email him anyway? Because I don't want to hear the worst The Harleys have a such a calming effect when you talk to them. Do you believe knowledge is powerful? I know it's tough and I'm sorry for that.
FWW/BW (me) WH 2nd M for both Blended Family with 7 kids between us Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Okay I guess I have nothing to lose. I've written a letter and will email him.
Could you please listen out if my letter gets read on the show? I know I won't be able to talk on the show because of the time difference.
Thanks :-)
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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He is really gentle and kind. I remember hearing about a case where the WH had headed for the hills overseas and the BW who emailed in was clearly desperate and wanted to know if he would ever be back as they had no real ties, no kids etc.. Dr H said: "Yeah probably he will do - but it isn't best for you to let him!" He basically said as a young childless woman she should just focus on moving on.. Awesome. You never know what he is going to say and it is always better to know chicky. I have a feeling my divorce is coming and I don't want it. So if I get divorced, does Plan B still apply? I obviously won't be starting up contact or anything but would I still wait the 2 years to see if his A ends? Is a divorce the be all and end all? But you probably will want a divorce if you get to the point you see he is a hopeless case and you feel healed. While filing for a divorce before you are ready (as I did for legal reasons) IS very painful it meant I got a jump on things and protected myself. It also left me in control of the process - he couldn't finalise, but I could because I was the petitioner and he was just the respondent. He therefore had no say in the divorce timescale - only I did. When I was ready I did choose to finalise and get divorced (looong after I started the process) whereas he couldn't have decided to do that ever. It also meant that when I was ready to go on, it was quicker. This was good because by the time I was ready I was looking ahead to dating. Even if you did finalise the D, you can always remarry. As for Plan B post-divorce - if you are healed you be very indifferent and will not want any contact. If you do decide to have contact you will probably become unhealed again. He doesn't get any visitation rights to you
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Thanks for that Indie. I don't see him as a hopeless case yet. How long does it take to heal do you think?
I'm finding it hard to even imagine me being healed by all of this.
I'm sure it will be him the one who is filing. I will never file because I feel me filing will mean I'm giving up and I haven't.
I just wish this wasn't coming at a time when I'm so raw and not healed by any means.
I wonder what happened to that lady you heard on the radio show with Dr H. I wonder if she took his advice and moved on.
Can you see yourself marrying your BF one day?
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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Totally off topic. What's the difference between a guest and a spider? Wouldn't they be the same as they are just people lurking without having memberships?
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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Thanks for that Indie. I don't see him as a hopeless case yet. How long does it take to heal do you think? I'd say six months in you are doing pretty good, head above water. A year - mostly fabulous. Year and a bit you are only having the occasional bad day. Two years pretty amazing and well nigh healed. This is a bit longer than my timescale but I think I was faster than most - having no kids precludes a lot of light. Can you see yourself marrying your BF one day? Totally. He's lovely
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Mom's been sewing day and night for the fair, and I've been getting a lot of UA time. Even if you're not technically still in PB at some point, why would you ever want to be in contact with a wayward? (Hint: you wouldn't.)
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb Neak's Story
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Totally off topic. What's the difference between a guest and a spider? Wouldn't they be the same as they are just people lurking without having memberships? I think spiders are not people. They are like a google search engine.
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I would email Doctor H but I'm scared he'll tell me it's over. So I guess I'll just stay in Plan B for now. Why not email him anyway? Because I don't want to hear the worst The Harleys have a such a calming effect when you talk to them. Do you believe knowledge is powerful? I know it's tough and I'm sorry for that. You can choose to hear Dr. Harley's professional opinion, or just cover your ears and believe whatever you want. However, facts are facts and 1+1 will always equal 2, no matter if we will it or not.
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Mom's been sewing day and night for the fair, and I've been getting a lot of UA time. Even if you're not technically still in PB at some point, why would you ever want to be in contact with a wayward? (Hint: you wouldn't.) Yes you're right Neak. Seeing him would just cause more pain.
Me: FWW/BW - 38 yrs XH: FBH/WH - 41 yrs Plan B DS: 9yrs old (with H) DD: 20yrs old Divorced Dec 2014 WXH still living with POSOW
Actions mean EVERYTHING. Words mean NOTHING.
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