Great!!

Fantastic.

One good thing is that we have plenty of projects to work on together around the house now!

That's great, FTF.

And this presents a good opportunity to practice PoJA, on an ongoing basis. My DH and I do lots of projects together. But only recently have we learned to keep checking in with each other to see if we still want to work on the project as scheduled. Sometimes one of us just wants to chuck it all and go to the beach, and we have learned that we are much farther ahead, marriage-wise, if we agree to skip the project at that time. Then we return to the project later, with renewed vigour. So we both have "permission" to suggest a change in plans, and add spontaneity.

We do well with POJA when it comes to things like what color to paint or what to work on next. It's a good reminder to also make sure we even still want to do whatever it is too.

And make sure there is FUN as well as work. (Unless you can make the house-painting as fun and flirtacious as those banking commercials seem to make it look!!)

Those can be a GREAT way to spend time together!

I think it's about time for me to give up folks. I just can't think about it anymore. We are a month away from it being three years since D-Day. I can't say I've done absolutely every possible thing I could do, but I've come close enough for me.

I'm sorry to hear that, FtF. My understanding was that you guys had finally been able to move out and get into a situation where Dr. Harley thought you could rebuild your relationship. I thought that was a great reason for optimism.

I'm very sorry, too.

There is always one more thing. I don't plan on leaving any time soon. But I'm not going to be the one to constantly study ways to make her happier any more. It's been over a week since we were supposed to start the SF lesson. Not a peep. It's been two weeks now since she last posted on the forum.

Have you talked to your coach?

No sir, don't you do that. You either fight for your marriage or you leave. Do NOT go to Plan C.

Did you ever get on antidepressants?

Not since last Monday. She is out this week.

I won't be doing any love busting. I'm just not planning on doing anything I don't feel like doing for awhile.

No. I did not do that. It's one of the reasons I cannot claim to have tried everything.

Get to your doctor and get on antidepressants. Do it for your kids if you won't do it for yourself.

Yes, please do this.

Have you been radically honest to your wife about the things you are doing reluctantly?

I'm not sure I have all the time. But I will now.

I hit a couple of points where I felt like what you are describing. I was doing things with the hope of making love bank deposits, and there seemed to be no discernible effect, and no benefit to me.

What I usually wanted to do was pitch a fit and demand reciprocation from Prisca. Of course we know that goes over like a lead balloon. All it does is make the problem worse.

I did find that I had to stop some activities - sometimes I would discover that I wasn't so enthusiastic about something I was doing as I thought I would be, and it was causing resentment. It became very important for me to avoid doing things that would cause resentment, or doing things in circumstances that would cause resentment. Ultimately I had to make sure that the things I was doing to make love bank deposits were sustainable. I had to learn to bring my Giver into play in ways that did not upset my Taker. I had to adjust over time and replace sacrificial activities with caring activities that did not cause me to feel resentful. And of course, once Prisca was finally on board and reciprocating, my enthusiasm for lots of things went way up.