The last I read from Dr. Harley, she did. Has she gone through the steps and overcome that, then?

Regardless, she still feels anxiety over the subject as evidenced by her posts a few weeks ago.

You cannot be the judge of that.

Why not get antidepressants a try? What have you got to lose?

1. Since then, he has said she does not have a true aversion.
2. No, she never followed through with it.


She certainly feels anxiety over the issue.


I'm not. My wife reports no demands or disrespect. Ask her.

I am. I told FC last night that I was going to make an appointment and get prescribed an antidepressant. She said "It will be interesting to see how it works".

She posted here about her anxiety, then vanished. I imagine she is still dealing with that anxiety.

Before making any conclusions about whether she is or isn't going to do the SF lesson, I would definitely want to know if Kim (or Sandy?) has talked to her about it. They are the ones who are supposed to be working to motivate her through it and hold her accountable.

I know it feels hopeless right now, but if you can hold out until your coach is available again and get her to reach out to your wife, you have no idea what might result.

In the meantime, I would definitely eliminate any acts of care you are doing that cause you to feel resentful. These can be replaced with sustainable acts of care that are not sacrificial and do not cause you to feel resentful. I learned that along the path of recovery I had to weather several down times and I developed a repertoire of acts of care that did not feel resentful that I could perform any time, so I was always making love bank deposits without building resentment. I had to or we would not have made it.

That's a very good step to be taking.

You cannot rely on her to report it. Women like her are very tight lipped about such things. Which is why I am pointing it out to you. What you are doing here today is demanding and disrespectful.

That is very good to hear.

I can guarantee you that when I went through this kind of thing with Prisca and took the stance you are taking, she felt I was being demanding, disrespectful, and punishing her.

And while I think Dr. Harley would not classify "not doing something" or "stopping something" as a love buster, he also always encouraged me to take Prisca's feelings about this seriously - when I would post to him he never validated my viewpoint that I wasn't being demanding, even though I might have technically been right. (It was very frustrating! )

Well, I still think you are trying to make this into something it isn't. FC isn't siting around saying "If my husband would stop love busting me I might feel more like meeting his needs."

The fact is she says just the opposite. "He is doing everything right, I just don't want to."

I did take this advice and we came to an agreement about it. It worked out very well. Now when I do this thing, it is appreciated more because it is not my responsibility. Thank you for the suggestion.

I'm glad to hear that. There comes a point in recovery where you have to move from short term sacrifice to long term sustainability. You can only go all out for so long. It is important to recognize when you are setting yourself up for resentment - because resentment will ultimately end your marriage.

I apologize to Prisca and Markos for being argumentative earlier this week. I was really in the dumper. It's like I'm going along and then fall into a hole sometimes. I do appreciate the help.

Glad you're back with us, friend.

No problem, ftf. We've been there.

Were you able to get to your doctor?

Dear friend FtF, I have been exactly where you were, and I recognized a lot of what you were saying from my own experiences! We are really pulling for you guys and praying for you as well.

I had a discussion with Kim in 2010 that in places was probably close to word for word what you were said above!

At the end of 2012 I had a near complete breakdown that also sounded a lot like what you said above. In particular I focused to the point of obsession about some points from one of our lessons that Prisca had never acted on. I was ready, and I was hurting!

As low as I felt then, it's amazing that in 2013 we finally turned things around for good. Best year of our marriage, ever, and 2014 has been building on that.

Good times are ahead for you guys. Stay the course.

What about AD's, FtF?

I've requested an appointment.

I've posted this to Dr Harley as well but though I would put it here for advice.

My wife does not like Dr Harley's suggestion at all that she must restore a romantic relationship with me before returning to work. It makes her angry.

The fact that she is not working and has to stay home with the kids all day is her only complaint. She wants us to have more income so that we can buy and do more things that require money. It's a two part issue. She is bored, does not like being home, and wants the money that a job would provide. In her estimation, there is no other job she could do that would earn enough money to offset the costs of daycare other than going back to teaching.

Her response to Dr Harley's advice is to say to me "So if I have sex with you three times a week, you'll let me get a job?" It's hostile.

I feel like I am stuck in the middle and can't win. On one hand, I have an expert telling me that this is the way it should be done or I am at high risk for another affair, and on the other hand, I have my wife telling me she is unhappy with that course of action and implying that it's the main problem.