He doesn't trust the lie detector test. He is afraid if it shows he is lying when he is not, I will never believe him. He wants to show me that I can trust him again. He is really against the polygraph.
I want to push the issue but I don't know if I am ready to walk away from the marriage if he doesn't change his mind. I know I can't threaten and then not follow through.

You already knew he was hanging on to dishonesty so this shouldn't be a shock. The idea terrifies him. I'd keep him off here for now while you get exposure ready.

If he raises the poly again, I'd just refuse to engage or argue. Don't show any interest in his answers or talking about the A either. Just say you don't feel ready to trust what he tells you just now and you will get back to him.

I'd bring it up again post-exposure in a firm way.

Out of interest, what has he told you about the A and where do you suspect dishonesty? Has he claimed he had no feelings for her or no sex? What type of stuff has he trickled?

There are a few different ways of verifying truth.

Do you want more affairs? If the responsibility for healing is shoved on you and you are expected to trust him no matter what, there will be.

You already know it's impossible to trust in these circumstances. You've tried. It will be a death if a thousand cuts.

It's concerning that he is after your blank trust rather than feeling grateful there are things he can do.

However this is pretty typical pre-exposure. You see he doesn't want to see disgust in anyone's eyes, to protect his own self image.

No one else knows, and even you have been eased in slooooowly so as not to upset his self image. That's why he is acting like he hasn't done anything that bad, sweeping it under is OK and that you should be the one doing something - blank trust.

It's often different when everyone is looking at him dumbstruck. Then he gets it.

Don't raise it just now. If he does (and you've hit a nerve so he will) or he wants to 'come clean' just shrug and say you don't want to. This will rattle him so he will probably raise the topic of trust; he will be very anxious to make trust YOUR job and YOUR issue.

I want you (even if you feel scared and unsure) to put on your poker race and tell him YOU DONT. Say it nicely and say you hope he can think of some way he can prove he is now trustworthy. Then drop it and go take a bubble bath or make tea. Don't get into a conversation with a wayward who is trying to hide his hoard. Like a junkie with his stash.

Your success now relies on being tough. You can't waver here.

Between now and exposure, do you know how to Plan A?

We did talk tonight already. He told me about her contacting him on facebook. He told me about everytime they got together. Since she lives out of town, there was not too many times. Most of their contact was phone and email. She sent a lot of pictures.

I guess my worry is.. if there were any others. I think I am being paranoid. I never suspected anything until last year. I remember in March sitting on the side of the bed and asking him why he hasn't wanted to be with me lately. That was the month they first met. Then a month later he was hiding his phone and making weekend plans with some guys to go shooting. He met with her.

I saw the emails after July when I found out and the ones where he said that this has to end. It ended in September. He said she sent him and email at Christmas just to say hi. He said he didn't respond. Then I got on his work email starting in February. I asked him to let me know if she sent another email.

She did send one in March. Their anniversary of the first date. It was just a hope you life is good and thanks for the time we had together letter. I saw it on his email and realized he hadn't seen it yet. I copied it and kept is as unread and waited to see if he would tell me. An hour later when he opened it he contacted me and told me she had sent it. That really helped me to trust him again. At that time I asked him to write her a letter to never contact him again, which he did and I looked it over before sending. I also contacted her husband and told him to have her stop contacting my husband.

I think he has done some really big changes and shown me he wants this to work. I am just scared to trust again.

If he wants to show he can be trusted, this is the way to go. Polygraphs are very accurate if you get someone who is very good. Find a former policeman or FBI agent and they are typically very experienced. REfusing to take a polygrpah does not demonstrate trustworthy behavior. It should really set off your red flags. We have had some remarkable recoveries using this tactic.

A polygpaph test is an opportunity for him to prove his truthfulness. He should welcome it.

But this is KEY: when you hand him your questions tell him you are giving him a LAST CHANCE before the test to come clean. So anything new needs to come out now. On the test there will only be 2-3 questions, though. And he won't know which ones until the test.

Yes I know about Plan A but the affair has been over for almost a year

The terrifying thing about this story is that the OW *CAN* still contact him and his feelings are triggered every time. Telling you about it completely misses the point, because his "honesty" does nothing to negate the damage of continued contact. It is like an alcoholic taking another drink. Does being honest about drinking negate the damage done? NOT AT ALL!

Did you give her husband all your evidence of the affair?

Yes I sent the emails to him. He was very cold and said he will make sure she doesn't contact us again and not to contact him either.
My H did change jobs and phones since then.

I don't think there are others, but a polygraph will let you know for sure. It's important that this responsibility to create trust is on HIS shoulders, not yours.

The 'were there others' question is a very easy one for the polygraph to prove. Broad blunt questions and questions which don't rely on subtleties of memory are the best ones for the poly. Some people ask all their questions and just get the poly to say 'did you answer questions honestly' yes or no?

Imagine what this would do for your piece of mind. Quite honestly, he doesn't get it yet. He thinks this is about how unpleasant this betrayal might turn out for HIM!

Make it very clear your trust will not magically appear until he gives you cause.

I would strongly urge you to contact him directly because OW are NOTORIOUS about intercepting such emails. Don't you find it unusual that he would be very cold to you? You should call him up or somehow contact him in a way that can't be intercepted by the OW. If she even thinks you are leaving messages for him, she will have some other male pretending to be her husband call you back.


What about the email account she contacted him at?

I am not sure how to act right now. Like nothing is wrong?

Is this email account closed?

Of course not. Did you read my post? I spent a lot of time and thought on my post.

Mmmmm the big red flag there was 'don't contact me either'

A betrayed husband generally wants to know more or for you to let him know if it happens again.

Call him up direct and he will have no idea who you are I bet.

It was his work email and he doesn't work there anymore

ML I did read your post about an proposal but He still says he won't do the test. I guess I should ask him to leave then? Should I tie this all in with the disclosure? If so how do I act until then

Just deliver it as Melody Lane said; there's no need to make a drama out of it or threaten to move out. Just say if he does x (questions and poly) you will do y (feel more trusting and drop all mention of affair).

If you're afraid of what to do afterwards, or that you will have to deliver an ultimatum straight off, just say that's your offer he can consider it. Don't get dragged into a debate or made to feel you have to trust him. Just restate your feelings and drop it.

He is supposed to be the one petitioning for your forgiveness.

I could only get a home number and didn't want to use that because I thought she would answer. We talked through his facebook page. I only opened that page to follow her and contact him.