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How far and wide should the Exposure Letter go for WS?
Do you include the contact info (ie email address, phone number) for WS in Exposure Letter to the WS's friends, family & acquaintances?
How far and wide should the Exposure Letter go for OW's contacts, particularly on FB? Should one be selective in choosing those to expose to since one might not know who these FB "friends" are and their relationship to OW?
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Wallflower,
It's a bit like asking if a woman robs a bank should we limit who sees the news story. As long as you are telling the truth there needs to be no limit. Affairs thrive on secrecy, exposure is the antidote apply liberally.
God Bless
Gamma
Last edited by Gamma; 06/29/14 08:36 AM.
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Do you include the contact info (ie email address, phone number) for WS in Exposure Letter to the WS's friends, family & acquaintances? Friends and family usually already have this information. If you think they don't, it might be a good idea to include it. "Acquaintances" are usually not on the list except on a need to know basis. How far and wide should the Exposure Letter go for OW's contacts, particularly on FB? Should one be selective in choosing those to expose to since one might not know who these FB "friends" are and their relationship to OW? You can't be too selective because you don't know her, but try to prioritize a list starting with family members first, then close friends, then married people. Send to as many as you can.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Read the Exposure 101 thread for guide lines. The thread has a lot of good examples of letters and answers your specific questions. If still need help after reading the thread then just post here. If you need us to review your letter just post it here.
Me 40M
Wife 43F
3 kids 9M, 5M, 1F
Together 15 yrs, Married 10 yrs, live together most of our dating life. Did not live together our year of our engagement. Working hard to fall more in love with my wife.
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When are you exposing? Who is on your exposure list?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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WallFlower,
Did the OW care how wide and far the affair destroyed your life?
God Bless
Gamma
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Good job, wallflower! How is it going! Has anyone you've exposed to stepped up and put pressure on your SIL?
How are you doing? How is your DD doing? Tired. 2 very negative rxn's from OW's family. 2 semi-negative responses from OW's contacts but with acknowledgement of gross infractions on both sides. All positive rxn's on BS/WH side from shock to support.
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Tired. 2 very negative rxn's from OW's family. 2 semi-negative responses from OW's contacts but with acknowledgement of gross infractions on both sides. All positive rxn's on BS/WH side from shock to support. Bullseye!!! That you got responses of any kind is ALWAYS good...you know people now know.  Don't bother responding to negative responses unless it's a brief "Well good to know you support adultery. Maybe you wouldn't mind if it happens to you or your loved one." Other than something like that, don't waste your time defending the exposure.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Don't bother responding to negative responses unless it's a brief "Well good to know you support adultery. Maybe you wouldn't mind if it happens to you or your loved one." Other than something like that, don't waste your time defending the exposure. I didn't respond to the two extremely neg responses (Sister & BIL of OW). I tried to respond to one of the semi-neg ones which had some level-headedness to it, but was blocked (friend of OW who was encouraging her to put this behind her). The other semi-negative was from OW's mother. She has taken a stand against the A and has made that known to her daughter, even to DD's WH, but says he pursued her. They all tried to justify the A by saying it wouldn't have happened had their respective marriages not been "damaged". DD has received an outpouring of love from her family and friends. Not so sure how his contacts have responded except one that voiced shock and offered prayers.
Last edited by WallFlower; 08/07/14 08:39 AM.
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With such a high rate of infidelity, it is likely that through exposure you hit people who are 'in the fog' themselves or have experienced infidelity and not handled it in an MB way. I am guessing these people would be the most likely to respond negatively to seeing an affair brought into the light of day. No one who is moral and rational would argue that affairs are justifiable.
So do not worry about the negativity, pity the senders as I'm sure adultery is affecting them and they do not have an awesome mother fighting in their corner!
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Next issue: as you know this road to recovery is fragile. It was not accepted in the best of circumstances, but EP's are being put in place. 3-night get away already planned, DD will travel with him on upcoming bus. trip, etc.
I have learned that WH told friend that he is ONLY doing this because of the money situation. He realized that after child and spousal support that he would be broke and he couldn't "live like that" - on the amt of money that was left over. Do I tell DD? If he is following the EP's, and they are making concerted effort to meet UA, should that be enough to give "romantic love" a chance to develop?
Pro's and con's of telling her:
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With such a high rate of infidelity, it is likely that through exposure you hit people who are 'in the fog' themselves or have experienced infidelity and not handled it in an MB way. I am guessing these people would be the most likely to respond negatively to seeing an affair brought into the light of day. No one who is moral and rational would argue that affairs are justifiable.
So do not worry about the negativity, pity the senders as I'm sure adultery is affecting them and they do not have an awesome mother fighting in their corner! Interestingly enough, all four negatives said that I had "overstepped my boundaries" and they were offended that I contacted them.
Last edited by WallFlower; 08/07/14 09:07 AM.
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I would not tell her at this point. It is all a bunch of fog babble, and she hears enough of that on her own. It is hearsay that is just fog babble.
Yes that will give romantic love a chance to develop, as long as NC with the OW is rigidly maintained.
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With such a high rate of infidelity, it is likely that through exposure you hit people who are 'in the fog' themselves or have experienced infidelity and not handled it in an MB way. I am guessing these people would be the most likely to respond negatively to seeing an affair brought into the light of day. No one who is moral and rational would argue that affairs are justifiable.
So do not worry about the negativity, pity the senders as I'm sure adultery is affecting them and they do not have an awesome mother fighting in their corner! Interestingly enough, all four negatives said that I had "overstepped my boundaries" and they were offended that I contacted them. Your goal is to end the affair and support your daughter as she attempts to recover her marriage. Your goal is NOT to color in the lines to avoid offending people that you don't even know.
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Your goal is to end the affair and support your daughter as she attempts to recover her marriage. Your goal is NOT to color in the lines to avoid offending people that you don't even know. True that. I just thought it was so textbook.
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I would not tell her at this point. It is all a bunch of fog babble, and she hears enough of that on her own. It is hearsay that is just fog babble.
Yes that will give romantic love a chance to develop, as long as NC with the OW is rigidly maintained. That's what I was leaning toward, unwritten.
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Your goal is to end the affair and support your daughter as she attempts to recover her marriage. Your goal is NOT to color in the lines to avoid offending people that you don't even know. True that. I just thought it was so textbook. Its funny how when you have infidelity impact your life, you start to see the fog babble appear all around you. I imagine it like big bubbles over peoples heads, full of affair justifying gibberish. No mind to the gibberish. Carry on, you are doing good! What has been your DD's response to you exposing?
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What has been your DD's response to you exposing? She was not upset with me. Truly, I was so concerned about her response, so for that I am so grateful. She only voiced concern about the timing, but she has been concerned "about the timing" for two months.
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That's great! She at least recognizes the fact that it should be done, and is probably very thankful that you did what she was unable to do herself.
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