People get convicted and sent to prison every day based on witness testimony with no direct evidence.

The email I saw was 3.5 years ago and discussed a place OM and her would go back in High school where they would park and have sex. They were reminiscing about past sexual experiences they had. My wife told me that he talked about them being together again. She said she was not interested so it was not a problem. I asked why she did not run the other way at that point. I had access to records of text messages back then but did not get copies.
If all I need to expose is my memory of past events I could have exposed back in March.

Ok, so I have evidence and I have exposure targets for OM. The family ones are easy. Do I do a full exposure at this point or just the small group that I have herd discussed here before when it is an affair from the past?

What has been said here and by Dr. Harley is children should always be told, even if the affair was 20 yrs ago. I need to tell them, who else should be told? Full list? Just family and parents?

I would keep this within a close circle of family and friends, in addition to contacting the OM's GF and the OM. I would send something to this effect to family and friends:

Dear friends and family,

I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. I am asking for your support in our marriage. A few years ago, I discovered an affair between WW and her old boyfriend, OM. I was devastated. This affair consisted of hundreds of messages of very sexual, personal content. They may or may not have met up at the time. I know it was planned and don't know if they followed through. Contact has been intermittent recently and WW has refused to end contact.

I want our marriage to recover from this affair. However, that cannot happen as long as this guy is hanging around my marriage waiting for an opening. I live a life waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this affair once and for all. I want to stay married, but this must end.

As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end this for life. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.

I would so appreciate your support and prayers. Thank you, Jaded Husband


Then forward your email to the OM's parents and his girlfriend, ccing that dirtbag:

Dear Mr and Mrs OM and SallyGF, I am forwarding you the email I just sent to our family and friends about the affair between OM and my wife. I felt strongly you should know about the affair since it has never ended. I am asking that you use your influence to persuade your son to stay away from my life forever. His interference in my marriage for the past XX years has been devastating to me and my children. Please ask him to stay away.

Thank you, Jaded Husband

And for GODs SAKE, tell your kids. You don't want this dirtbag to attend your funeral, comforting your wife, do you?? Your kids need to make sure he never darkens your doorstep.

My H, a very quiet man, told me that when he was 8 yrs old he walked in on his mother having sex with his dad's "friend." My H never told anyone except me. Well, guess who gave the eulogy at his dad's funeral!?? My H and I sat there in horror RIGHT NEXT TO HIS MOTHER!!

I'm so glad you're finally exposing. When will you be exposing?

Please read this. Exposing Children

Just to make sure I am clear, I tell my kids that my wife had a long term sexual relationship when she was in high school? (Not to mention her parents and siblings). The reason I ask this is that seems to be information my wife shared with me in confidence that she expected me to keep private. I know it is the biggest factor for me and without that information my concern seems out of place.

Normally you wouldnt discuss the past.
However, she is inflicting terrible pain on you through her affair and bringing the past into the present.

So, yes they need to know the whole story so they understand it.

JH,

Does your WW really think it is ok to have a relationship with a former sex partner?

God Bless
Gamma

I would start by posting OM on www.cheaterville.com and then follow the instructions for nuclear exposure in Exposure 101 thread.

The most important thing about exposure is to do it all in a day.

Yes, you should tell them the full story so they understand the context. This is no longer private information but intel that directly affects their lives since this dirtbag is hanging around. He is a direct threat to their security.

Gamma,
She has told me many times, "we are just friends". I told her he was perusing her, which she confirmed. My instant response was, why did you not run the other way when he said that. But she still wants contact, the latest time it was only in the case of a death in the family. So she has convinced herself that it is ok. The only reason contact has stopped, ( I think ) is that I get so upset over the situation. She knows I believe it to be an emotional affair. She also said I see no problem with the OM meeting emotional needs. Yes I find it hard to believe also!

She also could have taken the affair underground because she knows that it makes you upset.

Brainhurts,
That thought has crossed my mind, everyday since the last contact. I have been avoiding talking about it and trying to be a model husband in hopes WW would get sloppy and I would get recent evidence.
Thank you for all of your input these past months. Everyones input for that matter. When I was having a bad day I would come here for support even though I have not posted.

That's what we are here for. Unfortunately we all understand your pain. Continue to post for support, it will help.

Dr. Harley has spent 40+ years of research and found the way to help us all survive an affair. His program is what has saved so many of us, when followed.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Have you thought about ADs to help you through this?

I have SAA, purchased it just after I made my first post in March. I read it in the first week. I have thought about AD, I may need them to get through exposure. 30th anniversary is coming up the first part of next month, that should be loads of fun!

Has your wife read any of Dr. Harley's books and does she know about his program? I guess not since she refuses to give up opposite sex friendships with old lovers.

The first order of business is to get her to end contact for life with the ex-boyfriend. That is why you are being told to expose.

Your wife's attitude and independent behavior suggests she has poor boundaries with other men, and that is very dangerous to your marriage.

She needs to read Surviving An Affair with you and then you both need to get on the program.

It sounds like she has not checked out of the marriage, but that there is a danger of that happening should she resume contact with the old flame. Why not call the Harley's and set up marriage counseling with Steve Harley?

J3U, I would like to do that. We did counseling with our church pastor back when this all started. At the time she refused to continue, but now says she did not know he recommended further counseling. I would also like her to read SSA.

Yesterday when I was posting I did not seem to be communicating very well and causing some confusion. This seems to be one of my issues. Last week I was discussing an issue concerning my sister with my wife. My wife accused me of being passive aggressive in the way I wanted to handle it. My DD has said the same thing on occasion.
I am going to approach my wife with a complaint concernng contact with OM. I will be very clear about my need for all contact to stop and precausions to be in place to protect our mariage from further contact. I think this will not be successful but I must be very clear with her about my needs. I will follow Dr Harley's recommendations concerning complaints.
I plan on siting down with my children on Monday to tell them what has been going on in their life the last 4 years that I have hidden from them. My son lives across the state and we will be together then. I will adjust my exposure list based on the response I get from my wife this weekend. My pastor and close friend will get an exposure letter along with close family. If extrodinary precausions are in place I will leave OM out of it, except for the NC letter.
This is my plan. I will post my exposure letter after I have rewritten what ML has posted for me. Thank you all for your help so far.

Have you read this?
Conflict Avoidance is the Kiss of Death