Sometimes supporting someone means calling them out on behavior that is harmful or dangerous. 2x4s are sometimes the only way to help someone out of the fog. And yes, you were in your own BS fog.

If anyone understands that this is a extremely difficult situation, it would be the posters on this forum, some (myself included) who have been down this exact road.

Please stick around and do NOT disappear this time. We really do want to help you.

Please consider asking the doctor about getting on ADs to help you through this.

How is it an insulting exuse? It insults you because I thought I was doing what was best for my kids? That's just crazy!
And I don't keep making lame exuses. I thought I was doing what was best at the time. It's 1 thing, I wasn't trying to exuse anything, I was telling you the reason why I did it. I admitted I was wrong, but you kept coming on to point the same thing out over and over.
Do you seriously never make a mistake?? If you don't follow someone's advice doing what you thought would work for your family, would you think it's ok for them to keep on you about it?
I really don't know what else you want from me, Im sorry I didn't follow your advice exactly, in hind sight I should have, but this is where I am now, and no matter how much you point it out, I'm still here, not able to change the past.
I'm willing to accept advice and you can be damn sure I will follow every step, but I can't go back and do it right last time.

Agree with all of the above.

I think you are forgetting who the enemy is here - this A.

Not VOLUNTEER posters who are trying to help you.

If you keep this up, Melody may abandon this thread. Trust me - you DO NOT want that.

What is insulting is the suggestion that WE were giving you advice that was harmful to your children when it is YOUR LACK OF ACTIONS that have been harmful to your children. And no, I don't see you admitting it was wrong. If you thought that, you wouldn't be justifying your lack of action.

We have all been through what you have gone through and many have been through MUCH WORSE. You are not the only person here who has been through a bad time!

If you want help then lose the excuses and lose the ATTITUDE. We don't have to help you and folks won't help you if you are rude and ungrateful.

The locks were changed tuesday even though I already took his house keys. I have no one who could do exchanges but I have older kids, 18, 17, 15 who can be there with the little ones and bring them home. So no more in the house for him? That was when I went to the gym and ran errands and it was very easy to just leave before and come home after. The first time he left I did need AD. The second time I went to the gym and did not need them, it made me feel a lot better. Much better than the meds. I have our only vehichle do I leave that to him? Last time he had OW deop him off up the road.

I'm not trying to be rude at all. I know I'm coming off as a witch and I'm really not, I promise. I was wrong and I do wish I followed your advice. I am going to follow it all this time, no exuses and no varrying. I think for tonight I'm going to bed though I've been up since 1 a.m. and I think it's starting to show.

Yes, your older kids can help load the little ones into his car. He will have to buy a vehicle to pick up the kids. But the stipulation will be that he NEVER takes the kids around the OW.

And he should never be allowed to set foot in the house again unless and until he ends his affair, finds a new job and commits to saving your marriage.

Good girl!

You keep the vehicle and he will have to figure out how to pick up the kids. He chose to keep having an affair, this his part of his consequences.

Also, make it very clear he does not take the children around OW.

jct, tomorrow when you come back lets discuss your Plan B. Start by reading the Plan B thread: How to Plan B

Find an intermediary who will agree to only act as a spam filter and only pass along messages referring to finances and child visitation. it doesn't even have to be a person who lives in your town. It can all be done via email.

Once you get this set up, you will send him a Plan B letter. Maybe you can have someone drop it off at skanky's house. just figure out how to do this without you seeing him. Your letter should look something like this:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all and leave your job. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, you leave that job, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children and will send me any pertinent messages about finances. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through them.

I will make the kids available from 5 to 7 on Wednesdays and 1 - 6 on Saturdays. You will need to pick them up at the house and will need to get your own vehicle with car seats. I insist that our children not be exposed to your affair partner. I will expect you to continue to support this family as usual.


I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, leave this job and follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

Do you have an IM and your Plan B letter written? When can you have the locks changed?

She stated that the locks were already changed as of last Tuesday.

LTL

That's right, thanks LTL.

I don't have an IM yet. My kids except the 1 yo are going to my sisters for the night so I will get the plan b letter together and figure out an IM.
He works 2nd shift now so evenings ar out of the question. Is it ok to give him those couple hours on Sunday or is the days between important? He's been very adament since he was iced ou the first time that he doesn't want the kids around, so I'm sure he'll follow that.
Money both times before he's given me all of it except $100 a week. She wanted more but he gave her $50 and used the rest for gas, now she wants $65. That's not going to happen, he won't get $100 this time. Money is very tight right now. He's told me before that he would sign someting saying he would give me x amount of money. Is that worth doing or better just to go NC since he was true to his word about that before?

Some women in Plan B will try to go off of a "handshake" deal of receiving so much money a week, etc.

Personally, I would contact the welfare department in your county and file for child support.

If Sunday's work better for you instead of Saturday's as long as he picks them up and doesn't have them around OW.

If he will sign it saying he will give you money, go for it. I would get it notarized. I would file for CS. Does your state allow spousal maintenance or alimony? Have you been to a lawyer?

I do have a child support order from when this first happened, so I'll have that. It's not enough to pay the bills and house, which is why he had only a little of the money. I've spoke with a lawyer in the past but not yet. I have no idea about spousal maintenance or alimony, I'm in Ohio. Can I file for that without filing for divorce?

I'm not sure. You might want to ask your lawyer. Has he seen the kids? Did you write a Plan B Letter with the conditions to come back and work on recovery?