Then do it. This was an independent behavior, and has caused a lot of hurt.

You should be following the same, basic EPs.
The only reason she has that EP and you don't is because the workplace is where her affair took place. Since you haven't had an affair, you can't very well change the environment which lead to your affair.

Everything else, including Facebook, should be the same for you. Basically, if she can't go somewhere, you shouldn't either. Any time you can go somewhere that your spouse is not allowed, you are setting YOURSELF up for a secret second life.

This is a good point. I got rid of it.

Good job. Have you apologized to her for your IB?

I will do this.

Have you listened to your show from last July? It was about the exact same issue, UA not enough and not enjoyable. I would listen again.

Things that I do every day or often:

I text her during the day to ask her how her day is going. I do this at least once a day. I also email her quite a bit with things that I see that she would like. Sometimes funny sayings or a picture. Sometimes something that I see that she would like to have for the house that we have talked about prior.

I always make it a point to hug her and kiss her often. She has expressed in the past that a well timed hug makes her feel like I understand what she is going through. So I make sure to do lots of these. I'll pick her up and spin her around in my arms sometimes which makes her laugh.

I mention often that I appreciate that our home is run so well by her and that she does a good job as a mother. I also encourage the children to thank her for the meals she makes and things that she does. Just tonight we were sitting around the dinner table and I had them and myself thank her for making us a great dinner.

I bring her flowers every couple of weeks or so. I try to make it coincide with some kind of event. Like for example, when we closed on our house I bought her flowers and a card. It said "The best thing I like about my life is that you're in it". Another time was when she heard back from the virtual public school people about a possible job.

Two weeks ago, when we moved into our new house. I bought her a scented candle and some wine so that she could take a bath in her new garden tub on the first night. I knew she had been looking forward to it.

I week ago, she placed a large picture up on her easel of her in her wedding dress. It had just been unpacked. So before I left for work that morning, I wrote her a note that said "I was looking at your wedding picture this morning and you are still just as beautiful today as you were then." She texted me later to tell me I was sweet.

Almost every night when we go to bed, I hold her and rub her back as she goes to sleep.

Last night I set the coffee maker so it would be ready for her in the morning. All she had to do was press the button.

I really am always trying to do something. I realize that Dr Harley's program demands quite a bit from a husband. I have been making a very sincere effort to create that environment of affection for many months.

We have also been getting out on dates quite a lot for a long while now. Maybe they have not been the right activities, but we have made an effort to try a wide variety of things. For the past 5 months, we were living with my mother, so the built in babysitting and lack of a mortgage payment even allowed us to do many of those expensive things. We religiously went on dates out of the house every Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday at a minimum.

Even prior to living with my mother, in our old house, we spent $400 per month hiring a babysitter to come for 3 to 4 hours each time, three nights a week. She would also put the children to bed before we got home. We budgeted another $400 for the dates themselves each month. We cut everywhere else in the budget to be able to do this. That's how we have been able to try such a wide variety of things. And I have been forgoing my own needs for SF on every single one of these dates for nine months now to focus mostly on Fc's needs.

Maybe we are not doing the right things. It's certainly possible, and it's also possible that Fc is just too tired for our dates to have much of an impact. I'd say that if we weren't out, she would probably rather bed in bed catching up on some sleep.

I have expressed this to Dr Harley. Here is the guidance I was given. I hope it's OK to post these here but wanted to let others know what his advice has been since this is his program and he is the expert after all.

July 21, 2014:

So perhaps our best course of action for UA time, would be to spend it together exercising.

I don't know how we will ever get past this problem. She resents me because I won't agree to her having a job. It blocks every single other thing I try to do. Just not talking about it doesn't make it go away. She just resents me for it and resents the program for recommending it.

We are going out tonight, and it just seems like a big waste of time.

But there is a plan for her to get a job down the road, after the marriage is recovered.

Is it always her that is bringing the subject up?

It's in response to this:


I asked her what she resented me for. I thought maybe it was something I could fix.

Is she the one who always brings the no job situation up?

Yes. I sure don't bring it up. But it was in answer to my inquiry. Why wouldn't she bring it up if that's the truthful answer?

Does she understand that there is a plan for her going back to work?

I think she does understand that there is a plan. But if you resent the plan itself, I don't see how it can be worked effectively. It's sure not happening in our case.

Will she contact your coach with her concerns?

What did you ask her?

Sorry if that wasn't clear. I asked her about this. In particular the part in red:


I asked her what she resented me for. I thought maybe it was something I could fix.