She very likely feels like your suggestions are demands. And rather than fight about it, she just gives in which leads to resentment and blowing up on her part later. She's hearing demands where you do not intend to make them, likely because of your lovebusters in the past.

For a while, you need to be extra verbose in expressing your desire to do only do things she will enjoy. Also for a while you need to slant what you do toward her her desires more than your own, to show that you really do want her to be happy too.

"This is just a suggestion, but I'd really like that restaurant. But I really want to make sure we find something that YOU love."
"Do you like that idea? Would you rather do something else?"
"What are you in the mood for? I'd like to take you someplace YOU'D love to go to."
"I would have loved to have found a restaurant you loved. I don't want us to eat at a place you are reluctant about."

That is a good point. During arguments about this sort of thing, she tell me that she agreed to me because I would have got mad or had an attitude if I didn't get my way.

I have been going out of my way to agree with her more when she wants to do something, but if she is not honest with me how do I know if she will be resentful later?

In the specific example about the restaurant, she agreed to it enthusiastically when I brought it up, but as the day went on she got hungry and eating at 4:00 wasn't what she wanted to do. But she never said that. She said I am hungry, then asked me if I still wanted to go there. I said yes, and she said sure lets go home and switch cars. Then a mile from home she tells me she is eating when we go home and started with an AO.

There's the source of the problem. Past lovebusters.


Go out of your way MORE.

Okay, for now you are slanting things towards her. So don't suggest the restaurant for now. Instead, ask HER where she wants to go. She's simply not going to be honest with you when you make a suggestion at this point in time -- her emotions tell her to protect herself from your anger and to just go along with whatever you want.

Ask HER for what SHE wants.
Her: Do you still want to eat at that restaurant?
You: What are you in the mood for? Would you rather do something else? I'd love to take you somewhere that YOU will LOVE."

So I know what I am supposed to do, and I understand what constitutes disrespect, yet I continue to make statements that upset my wife. My actions still do not convey that I love her and care deeply for her. When she makes a complaint I still try to place blame or make excuses.

Everybody here has done a great job of pointing these behaviors out to me. I am successful at my career, I have 2 college degrees and completing a master's this semester, and yet I cannot seem to get a handle on these behaviors.

I have no excuses and I am still failing at this.

What will you do differently when you are ready to fix it?

What is my plan for changing?

No angry outbursts. I have been doing great at this.

Listen to her and retain what she says. When I do the opposite it makes her feel disrespected.

Stop making fun of her. I know for a fact that she hates this, but I have not stopped yet.

End sarcasm.

No disrespectful judgements.

We have had a few good days on this roller coaster. I have refrained from making fun of her, being disrespectful, and being sarcastic. I have been able to remain fun, which has been a tough balancing act for me.

One opportunity yesterday was that she told me a couple times that when I responded to her I sounded aggravated. I was not aggravated at all, so instead of defending myself I asked her to describe what I was doing so I could stop. She was not able to describe my "tone", but I made an effort to be more pleasant when I answered for the rest of the day.

I do have a question about SF. Sunday we had no power, so my wife I spent the day hanging decorations, pictures, curtains and other things we have been putting off. We had a lot of fun, and my wife was really playful. A few times she mentioned SF time later, but later turned into her going to sleep

Most of the time, when she says it will happen later it doesn't come to fruition. Usually it is because I decide to say things that make her upset, but this weekend that wasn't the case.

On one hand I don't want her to stop being playful and fun with me, but it is such a downer to look forward to something that doesn't happen. I am at the point where I don't want to ask anymore and I don't want to look forward to SF anymore so I don't get disappointed.

If you don't want to be disappointed, don't consider her mentioning SF as a commitment for her to carry through with it later on. A day spent doing chores leaves most people tired. While she is doing these things with you, she feels bonded to you. It is good that SF comes to her mind on such occasions. You need to keep these experiences pleasant and safe for her. That is how you get quality SF, anyway. You don't get it by ambushing her every time she feels close to you.

That makes sense. I have basically been telling myself that it is off the table and not to think about it, because that is the easiest. If I expect nothing then I will not be disappointed when nothing happens. I really don't even want to initiate anymore, since I am tired of rejection. I realized that the way I have handled SF during our marriage has partially caused it to go away, and I am changing those behaviors.

I am simply stating that it would be easier on me if she didn't mention it.

Nobody says that the correct solutions to problems in marriage are the easiest paths to follow.

It is *good* that she mentions it! There is nothing wrong with her talking about it. It is a step in the right direction. You should be happy about it. Don't give up.

I have been really bummed out lately. Our relationship has really taken a toll on me. With so many things going on at once, I just feel defeated. I am afraid that the changes I need to make are not going to stick, and she will leave. I am afraid that even if the changes stick that she won't fall in love with me again to the point where she will be meeting my emotional needs to the extent that I am happy.

We have had issues for a couple years now, but everything suddenly feels different. I just don't see her going out of her way to make me feel special again like she once did.

Well, if the changes don't stick, then she SHOULD leave to protect herself, right?

You choose whether they stick or not. It's always a choice.



That is a DJ.

You identified where I was going wrong but offered nothing in the way of assistance

My wife is not meeting my ENs of affection or SF.

My wife is committing LBs of DJs and AOs.

Thank you for pointing out the DJ

I think the question is whether you are going to choose to make the changes stick or not.

Is your locus of control external, or internal?

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555478#Post2555478

She took a big highlighter and highlighted an important decision you need to make.

We might also add that regardless of who you are married to, if you want to have a good marriage, you will probably need to make these changes, and make them stick.

What kind of assistance were you looking for? You seem to feel these things are out of your control. I told you that the control is yours and yours alone. You control whether the choices you make stick or not. It's not something that happens to you, and it's not something somebody else can do for you. It is a choice you make.

Thank you, your post was helpful.