Hi: This last week we spent the entire time in a mini-vacation, around 12 to 15 hours sharing time together.

Hi: I have a new situation and need some advice. After I found out about my WW PA, her alcohol consumption is becoming an issue. From having some drinks once in a while she is now getting drunk every week (last three weeks). I just talked to her about it and she is now angry and said that she will stop drinking and will do it for me. Now she is saying I have control issues because I feel she is using her alcohol addiction to escape from reality.

All addicts use the "control card" when they don't want to stop the damaging behaviour.

Is she going to get into AA? Are you in AlAnon?

We are going to see a therapist next week. She grew up in a very conservative family where alcohol is not tolerated. She used to drink a lot, then after we married she almost stop drinking completely.

A therapist for her alcoholism?

Yes, for both, the issues with alcohol and marriage counselling.

Hi, should I expect my WW to show a lot of remorse during the initial steps of the recovering process?

Sir, people dont need a counselor for alcoholism or marriage counseling.
At this point, you should be focusing on MB methods for saving your marriage.
Alcoholism is treated in AA.

It sounds like your wife may be self medicating to deal with her withdrawal feelings. Rather than "counseling" for this, your wife would be better served if you would take her to see a physician and ask for a prescription for antidepressant medication (be certain to TELL the physician that she has been using alcohol, as I'm thinking that most ADs cannot be used with alcohol).

The withdrawal feelings are horrible to go through and sickening to witness. Withdrawal can take 3-6 months to get through, but the worst of it will be gone by six weeks.

No, you shouldn't expect your WW to show a lot of remorse right now, if any. Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley and his daughter Dr. Chalmers? The wayward wife in his book, Sue, did not display remorse during the entire time that she and Jon were working on recovery. It would be very helpful for you to read the SAA book, as it will explain much of what you are experiencing.

No, you should not. Remorse is not required for recovery, and recovering WWs typically do not show it.

Just as mrEureka and Blindsighted mentioned about showing remorse. Have you read SAA?

Hi BrainHurts, yes I started.

Good because when you get to the Jon and Sue story (she's the WW) you will see that she had no remorse. Let us know what you think.

Hi everyone:

Its been a while since my last post. I am just writing to ask some questions and share some updates on my situation. Its been almost a month since my WW has NC with the OM. We took a long vacation and in general there is a lot of improvement in the communication area and according to her she has no feelings for the OM anymore. She is answering my questions and in general we are not arguing and just having a lot of fun.

My issue now is her lack of interest for intimacy. This is not something new, she stopped initiating things some time ago, time before her PA. I am the one who initiate all the time and she is always there for me but I am feeling really bad about it. I wish she was more interested. At this point, I am not even sure if I want to continue with my marriage, I am not sure if our relationship will survive. I am just feeling like I am falling out of love.

It typically takes two to six months of NC to come completely out of an affair fog. While your wife may say that she has no feelings remaining for the OM, I suspect in a few months, she will say she feels even less for him than now. The contrast effect with the emotional high of the affair makes waywards believe they are over it before they really are. You need to give the recovery process some time. It is way too soon to be expecting dramatic results.

Hi mrEureka: thanks for your reply.

What questions is she answering?
I hope you aren't speaking about the affair.
The affair should never be spoken of again.

Sealife - I'm a newbie here and by no means a seasoned veteran like all the others that are giving you great advice. I just want to share some of my story because I can empathize with you.

My WW and I are in week 9 of NC with OM. There are days where you feel like you're falling out of love with your wife, but don't let that overcome you.

From what I've come to understand on this website is that part of it is that when we first find out about the A, we have plenty of love in our love bank, but they do not (hence the A). On D-Day or shortly after, we react and do whatever it takes to get their love back because we are still in love.

During R, as things settle, I think sometimes our love units get withdrawn when we think about the A and how hard everything is in the moment, or we are triggered by something to think about the A. Jedi is spot on about not talking about the A. There have been innocent reminders some days and we've now taken more extreme measures to avoid those reminders. They only cause problems and subconsciously affect your relationship and before you know it, you're fighting over a non-issue.

Jedi, a question for you, if something triggers you to think about the OM and you find yourself having trouble "shaking it," should you then tell the WW? Is this an exception to your advice to "never talk about the A again?"

Best of luck Sealife, I'm very impressed with the EPs you've put in place. Keep it up, it is a roller coaster but will even out eventually. You guys married for a reason and I hope you both can realize that!

Every time the affair is discussed, it causes massive Love Bank withdrawls.

Dr. Harley doesn't practice speaking and reliving misery. He wants people to focus on the moment they are now in, and how to live happily.

Talking about things that make us sad will make us sad, not happy.

EDIT: In your case, Dr. Harley specifically recommended that you move to get a fresh start. Doing so would eliminate many triggers.

Hi Jedi: sorry for the delay,I made the mistake once and asked her questions, but we totally stopped talking about it. It is hard sometimes but I am doing the best to stick with Plan A.

Some people out there thinks that affairs are not a big deal, but it is horrible. My WW PA affair not only caused a lot of emotional pain but it also created financial issues. We are both now unemployed, we both resigned to move back to the USA and basically we are living from our savings and family support. I am doing the best I can to return back on track. Thank you very much to everyone here in this forum for your replies.